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Weasel goes round the world (long)

Part 1 LHR-LAX AA137 19th October 2002
This is my first RTW and it’s in business class. The cab drops me off at the LHR kerbside check-in and I queue for maybe 3 minutes before being checked in. I had pre-booked seat 9A – 1st row, bulkhead so there was none of the “window or aisle” palaver, just the usual security questions. After check-in, I trotted over to the security point where the queues were longer than usual, even in “Fast-track”, and there seemed to be a larger than average contingent of people ahead of me who were either infrequent travellers, or else plain ignorant. I hate queuing at the best of times, & it irks me to be held up by people who do not know the drill. Once through security, it was off to the Admiral’s Club to pass a relaxing hour before boarding. I just wish there was a wider selection of snacks available. Boarding was painless and we were closed up and ready about 5 minutes early, but delayed push-back due to other traffic behind us. Once we started taxiing, we proceeded on the southerly taxiways, but 27L was in use by inbound aircraft. Once we rounded the “D” stands at T1, I could see a dozen or so aircraft queuing along the northerly taxiways so our somewhat circuitous route was explained. Takeoff was on 27R into a cloudless sky and a quick right turn took us over the midlands, onto Manchester and up over Scotland and the Hebrides. I was looking forward to enjoying a herb crusted salmon for lunch along with a glass (or few) of Chablis, but by the time the attendant took my order, the salmon had gone, so I settled for a Filet Mignon and several glasses of Bordeaux. I still wonder why some airlines are continuing to use plastic cutlery whilst serving wine in glass bottles. After lunch, I settled down for a few hours nap. After I awoke, I settled down to read by book, having decided that the in-flight entertainment wasn’t up to much; AA definitely have some catching up to do in this area. We landed at LAX pretty much on-time, but had to wait for 15 or so minutes to cross another runways and for traffic to clear our stand area. I was glad I was in business class as when I came to immigration, there were only two officials for the visitor’s queue, which rapidly built up behind me.

Part 2; LAX-SYD-JNB QF12 & QF63 24th-26th October 2002
I left Santa Barbara in good time to arrive at LAX to check in for my 22:30 flight, and traffic was lighter than expected so after dropping of the Hertz car, I was checked-in by 18:45. The check-in steward seemed somewhat surprised when I asked to be checked through to JNB. Apparently most people travelling LAX-JNB go via LHR and then often take a day or two in either LHR or SYD. After a hassle free security check (there was no queue at all), I was directed to the JAL lounge on the fourth floor. This lounge was compact, but the bar was well stocked. I was glad I checked-in early because it got very full from about 19:30. I spied some bottles of 2000 Australian Shiraz, and after a brief struggle, wrestled one to the ground, bit its top off and drank deeply of its still warm blood – Sorry folks, the jet-lag got me there. I can heartily recommend this tipple as a velvety smooth drink, with an excellent finish. At about 20:00 I spied some sandwiches being placed in the drinks chiller, so helped myself to a couple, if only to soak up some of the wine I’d been quaffing at a prodigious rate. The lounge by this time was full to bursting and still people were arriving. At about 21:15, the lounge tannoy system invited anyone on the later flights to present themselves at the desk for a meal voucher. “Wonderful!!” I thought I’m going to miss out on a slap up meal, so wobbled off for another refill or two of Shiraz.

Boarding was about 20 minutes late and I took my allotted seat (26E) and started praying to the seat allocation gods that 26F would remain free. This was more in hope than expectation as I was told at check-in all aisle seats had gone. Sure enough, just before the doors closed 2 lucky passengers were bumped up from economy into the two remaining seats. If I had been quicker, (or indeed if I had been able to get my legs to function at all in any coordinated way), I might have grabbed 26F. Oh well, serves me right for over indulging I thought. This was my first QF flight and my initial impression of the aircraft was that of a middle-aged spinster, well past her prime. It seemed frankly jaded and in need of a refit; and what’s more, there was no power outlet for my laptop. I had a dozen DVDs ready to play on my laptop for this marathon journey and now couldn’t use them. “Arrgh!!!!!, I’m having a nightmare! – I bet I get the same plane SYD-JNB!” A quick perusal of the in-flight entertainment guide calmed me down, as the choice of movies was somewhat better than those of AA. It also helped that I managed to get a glass of champagne from the stewards serving from both aisles – about the only advantage of a middle seat.

Despite a late boarding we were closed-up & ready 5 minutes ahead of schedule but pushed bask & took-off a few minutes late due to ground congestion. When the supper service came round, the choice was
· Lime Chicken with Roast Corn Polenta and Black Bean Salsa
· Sea Bass with Potato Gratin & Ratatouille
· Salad of Beef with Braised Capsicum & Pesto
I chose the sea bass because I figured I’d drunk enough red wine, so thought I’d switch to chardonnay. When the tray was presented I could not believe my eyes – “Real metal cutlery!” After this, I could forgive Qantas almost anything. Plastic cutlery since Sept 11th 2001 has been a real bête noire of mine. The fish was cooked and presented well and I thoroughly enjoyed it, although the beef looked equally mouth-watering. Shortly after supper, I fell asleep which is hardly surprising given the hour and my somewhat inebriated state. I slept & dozed for about 6 or 7 hours and upon waking, felt a great deal better than I deserved to. Shortly after I awoke, the duty-free trolley came round. I couldn’t resist quipping to the steward about the lack of power outlet whilst a power converter was prominently featured in the duty-free catalogue. Breakfast was a prodigious affair with lots of fruit juices, tea, toast, cereals, croissants, sausages, mushrooms etc. I didn’t note down all the details, I had a serious case of “the munchies” and was eating anything around me that wasn’t moving quickly enough. We landed at Sydney at about 06:10 Saturday morning with just under 4 hours before my flight to JNB.

There was a large queue for the security check at the transit gate, but it was moving rapidly enough. This was the first time I had been asked not only to remove my laptop from its case, but to remove the battery as well. Being my first visit to Australia I don’t know whether this practice is “standard”, “post 911” or “post Bali”. Upon arriving at the Qantas Business Class Lounge, my first priority was a shower, shave and a change of clothes, which I had the forethought to put in my hand luggage. After that I was ready for anything, especially the toast & muffins that were on offer, and although I was tempted, I foreswore any of the alcohol arranged before me, in favour of orange juice and tea. A quick phone call to my wife in UK prompted a rapid tour of the duty free shops for presents. Even though I was going to be in Oz for a few hours, a present was expected. After that I “slobbed-out” in the lounge reading my book, and watching the clouds scudding past and quaffing cup after cup of tea. At one point, the clouds were so thick, I could not even see the Sydney skyline. Boarding was pretty much on-time and I had the first row aisle seat (23B). I was overjoyed to note that the aircraft had recently been refitted, everything gleamed and there was a power output socket. My beloved DVDs could come out to play! This was an immense relief as my stock of unread paperbacks was running low. I skimmed the in-flight entertainment guide, and there was a veritable plethora of films to watch. I might only have time to watch a couple of my DVDs. Take-off was delayed for about 20 minutes because of runway restrictions owing to the 40-knot winds, and as we started trundling down the runway, the sun peeped out shyly from behind a cloud to wave us good-bye. I took particular note of this because after years of regularly catching “dawn chorus” flights I have an almost “Pavlovian” reaction to boarding an aircraft. As soon as the safety briefing starts, I fall asleep for about 20 minutes. I sometimes stay awake for a few minutes watching the taxiways, but once I am sure we are really going to take off, I relax and the lights go out. Therefore I actually witness only about one in four take-offs, irrespective of the time of day etc.

Lunch (once again with real cutlery) was Cannellini, Leek and pesto soup for a starter followed by either
· Beef fillet with new potatoes
· Snapper with asian vegetables
· Chicken salad
I chose the fish accompanied by a glass or few of chardonnay. Desert was either cheese and crackers or Mediterranean Orange Cake. I chose the cheese with yet more chardonnay. I settled down for a post-prandial nap and woke up about an hour later, noticing that a glass of water had been placed on my drinks holder. I drank the water, turned over (metaphorically, not literally) and resumed my slumber. I repeated this sequence for four hours and felt wonderfully refreshed upon finally waking. With 7 or so hours to go, I settled down to watch a few DVDs and passed the time with my brain cells parked. A couple of hours before arrival, we were served a light dinner of either
· Stir fried chicken with Thai basil, snake beans & rice
· Penne with Zucchini, goats cheese & chilli
· Smoked salmon salad with asparagus & a lemon dressing.
Being in the first row of business class meant that I was served last and the steward informed us (almost grovelling at our feet) that only the salmon was left. “Oh well” I thought “shame about the chicken,” but the salmon was tasty enough. The rest of the journey was uneventful and we landed a few minute behind schedule at about 15:50. Whilst queuing at passport control an announcement came of the tannoy something like this. “Qantas would like to apologise to passengers arriving from Sydney. There might be a slight delay in receiving your luggage as two of the luggage bins have jammed and cannot be unloaded.” I swore profusely. Spending the next couple of hours in Johannesburg airport waiting for my luggage was not exactly top of my “To Do” list. In fact I was feeling somewhat weary after nearly 36 hours travelling and wanted to soak in a tub for an hour or so. I was still muttering to myself 10 minutes later when I reached the passport desk where my passport was cursorily checked & stamped and I was waved through to resignedly wait for a period determined only by the gods of lost luggage. I was very surprised to see that the business & first class carousel was spinning and what’s more, it had luggage on it! I must have waited for all of 30 seconds before I espied my case travelling towards me in a stately manner. Not believing my good fortune, I muttered a quick prayer to the luggage gods and passed through customs as quickly as I could before the luggage gods caused the wheels of my suitcase to fall off.

Part 3; JNB-LHR BA56 8th November 2002
After a pleasant two-weeks in Joburg, it was time to head off back to “Jolly old Blighty”. I arrived at the airport at about 5:45pm for an 8:30 flight and was pleasantly surprised to find that there was no queue at all for Club-Class check-in, nor any significant queue at the security checkpoint, nor passport control. After a quick whiz round duty free (where I found cigarettes at 80% discount on UK shop prices), I headed for the BA club lounge. The lounge was well appointed as far as food & drinks, but a little lacking on space. It got quite busy, although it was never over-crowded. I settled down with my paperback and a glass of Shiraz, but soon espied a neighbour drinking a tomato-juice, and I switched to drinking Bloody Marys for a couple of hours whilst waiting for my flight. Knowing that our departure gate indicated an off-stand, and having previous experience of JNB (and how they organize ground transport – or how they don’t), I left the lounge about five minutes before the scheduled boarding time and quickly got into the scrimmage for the coaches. Upon boarding, I took my assigned seat of 9G and spent a few minutes looking round. This was my first trip in BA’s “new” Club World, and I was impressed. By having half the seats facing rearwards, it was possible to have 8 seats across as 744, each reclining flat on a 72-inch pitch without appearing to be cramped at all. I am looking forward to my next trip in BA Club World where I want to choose a rear-facing seat just to see how it feels on take-off and landing. There were a few empty seats around me, and despite the apparent chaos at the gate with the coaches, we were closed up only a few minutes late, and that was due to an unaccounted for pax. Once in the air, the drinks trolley came round and I chose a glass or two of Sauvignon Blanc, which turned out to be an unusual little number, very dry & crisp with a slight hint of tobacco at the finish. After congratulating myself on my choice of beverage, I consulted the menu to find something appropriate to accompany it. The choice was ginger marinated salmon or baked mozzarella, both with a side salad, followed by either grilled filet, pork medallions or a Greek salad with prawns. I chose the salmon & the Greek salad, both of with were well presented and full of flavour. The Greek Salad came with about half a dozen prawns, each the size of my thumb – scrumptious. Dessert choice was either an orange semolina cake, fresh fruit or cheese & biscuits. I chose cheese, with even more wine. Unfortunately, my enjoyment of this otherwise tasty repast was spoiled by the use of plastic cutlery. This however was no ordinary plastic cutlery! I can only describe it as the “Tonka Toy” of plastic tableware, and I am sure I have cutlery at home that could not measure up to the strength of these mighty eating implements. Any thought that plastic cutlery is intrinsically safer than metal equivalents, and hence less likely to make a useful weapon, can quickly be dispelled by anyone who has experienced these colossi of culinary apparatus. In fact if somebody were able to actually break the end off these remarkable implements, and not be incapacitated by the ensuing storm of plastic shrapnel, the resultant object would be as effective as many a stiletto knife. On this basis alone, metal cutlery is safer and thus preferable.

After the meal, I experimented with the seat and found that the flat-bed configuration was OK, but I was more comfortable with the seat-back slightly raised. I awoke with about three hours to run and was content to play with the video console until breakfast, which consisted of various Juices, cereals, yoghurt etc, followed by a choice of French toast, eggs Florentines or eggs, sausage, bacon & potato cakes. I chose the bacon etc with several croissants. There were no delays on landing, but we landed at 05:20, about 25 minutes late due to strong head winds. There were no queues at passport control, but we had to wait 30 minutes before our luggage appeared. I suppose that is to be expected at that time of day.

In the space of 3 weeks I had experience J class in BA, QF & AA, and I rank their products in that order. BA wins with the new Club World offering, and the choice between AA & QF comes down to better in-flight entertainment and real cutlery on QF. I would happily fly in J on any of the above, but I still think that Virgin’s Upper Class product is slightly better than any J class I have flown. It’s just a shame that that my employer has switched from VS to AA as the preferred transatlantic carrier. Oh well – c’est la vie.

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Chris Elvin