Go Back  FlyerTalk Forums > Community > Trip Reports
Reload this Page >

Jafa does Long Haul MCO-AKL Pt 2

Jafa does Long Haul MCO-AKL Pt 2

Old Oct 3, 2012, 7:31 pm
  #1  
Original Poster
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: NZ
Programs: airpoints
Posts: 65
Jafa does Long Haul MCO-AKL Pt 2

And so an excellent holiday came to an end, if you want to read my road trip reports of riding a Harley to Key West then go here

http://www.hdforums.com/forum/the-fl...-part-1-a.html

Needless to say parting was such sweet sorrow but we were ready to go home as we like where we live and were missing the cats and the kids…..if 20-somethings can still be called kids.

The strategy of staying over in LAX had worked so well that we didn’t do it on the way home as we didn’t need to arrive in any state other than weary because we didn’t have to interact with friends we hadn’t seen in years and I had 3 days before I had to go back to what passes for work on planet Jafa.

The first part involved weighing our suitcases…a drama at the best of times….Mrs Jafa was no longer encumbered by smuggled Vegemite or Original Artworks but I was up a few pairs of shorts and T Shirts, Mrs J had been buying presents and also had a load of stuff (quite what “stuff” is in Mrs J’s world I neither know nor want to know) that had been delivered to Pearl’s because the E-Bayers didn’t want to do international shipping…I pondered what “stuff” might be illegal in NZ and how we might explain it to customs.

A lot of weighing and fro-ing went on and I solved the problem by travelling in most of my biker gear…the boots weigh about 52 pounds each…and swapping “stuff” from Mrs Jafa’s case to mine……in the end we were just on the limit.

So after some hugging and crying (by the women in the piece) Bill took us for the long drive to MCO.

We arrived to find the exact same weather as had greeted our arrival….pink lightning and grey skies with the added bonus of torrential rain of Biblical proportions….”deluge” hardly describes it.

Bill is a retired Pilot and we talked about what delays may occur due to weather and how much fun a lightning strike in an A320 might be.

As we exited the SUV at the drop-off it seemed as if we might be looking for some timber to build an Ark rather than flying anywhere but it hid any tears that Bill and I might shed (secret, manly tears, not the gushing and snivelling that the female of the species are prone to) and allowed us to duck inside instead of standing around awkwardly trying to find a “No Homo” way of expressing our affection.

As luck would have it the check in and the toilets weren’t far apart….



Check-in was efficient, bags checked through to AKL and our packing discrepancies overlooked by the staff.

Time to go and be molested by the TSA hoods.

MCO is pretty big, it’s got this Plaza in the middle of it, which, amongst other things, has a Harley Davidson shop, where you can buy H-D branded clothing and other trinkets….very civilised.



Less civilised are the TSA, stripping us almost bare, minutely examining the X-Rays and sitting up straight at the sight of wires and batteries (ever seen an exploding vibrator?) some of the staff in this area were remarkable in that one could determine their gender merely by looking at them….others….well…..you could guess but I wouldn’t go putting money on some of them…..yeah they looked female….but then again…..nah…..wouldn’t wanna have to answer that question to save my life.

I felt totally self-conscious having to get my biker gear back on in public, obviously overdressed for any climate other than “Movin’ down the Queen’s Highway lookin’ like a streak o’ lightning” (Motorcyclin’ by Chris Spedding) and struggling with my huge boots….it was hot, I was tired and Mrs Jafa had wandered off…..she can disappear at will, like a stealth Chameleon with an attack of shyness and that just adds to the stress of being TSA’d.

Eventually, I found her, in the right place, which was noteworthy, and we headed out to the shuttle….not so fast as to illicit a rebuke from Mrs J and not so slow one could be deemed to be taking the pee-pee either….walking with Mrs Jafa is a finely poised thing and the consequences of failure are a public “domestic”.

Some wretched skinny chick in business attire kept looking at me sideways as she pretended to read her Kindle (a book that needs batteries W-T-F is that all about?), I reckon it was because I am totally hot and a real M-I-L-F magnet but it’s probably because I smelt like roadkill due to having to wear my unwashed biker gear….maybe that passes for hot in the lives of Corporate Power-Dressing Anorexics? Or maybe I am just another deluded Mid-Life Crisis in Cordura, Leather and Kevlar?…..maybe I will ask Mrs Jafa, when she doesn’t have anything sharp to hand.

Iced coffee was one priority and fizzy water another, fail on both counts as Mrs J’s Iced Coffee came from Starbucks and fizzy water does not exist in MCO but we had a cookie between us and sat about waiting for the call to hurry up and wait for our flight.

Mrs J went off to change into her flying attire…I was expecting a leather jacket and flying goggles, with big gloves and a freshly-lit pipe but it was just a crumple resistant dress and leggings as per the outward journey.

By the time we got to the gate area, the rain had stopped and it was sunny….we watched planes land and Mrs J enthused over the colours of the SouthWest 737’s…of which there was an infestation.



A very pretty woman with two exceptionally well-behaved children sat near us at the gate and I pondered how women in the USA, or at least the ones I had seen, seemed to often come in only two sizes….”Smoking Hot Babe” and “Beached Obese Whale” there didn’t seem to be a lot of “Sturdy Girls” about, the mid-range was missing, as if the bell curve had been tipped upside down and I felt there should be a campaign to promote the virtues of curvy girls…even up the stats a bit….maybe I should start a website…..



They called our row (24D and F with E blocked again) and advised that the TSA were lurking, ready to pounce on bags that looked like they might have interesting “stuff” in them.

That would be me then, my bag rattled like an earthquake in a Pharmacy and was bulging with interesting shapes…

“Sir, we need to look in your bag sir”

As long as they didn’t weigh it I was fine with that.

The TSA guy undid the top zip of my very nice Kiwi-made backpack and poked about in a desultory fashion…whatever one of those is….the sheer amount of “stuff” in there clearly overwhelmed him and he quickly did the zip back up….that’s us totally safe against weird dudes in the sky then…

“Have a nice flight sir”

I would be doing just that because he hadn’t found the exploding vibrator, or the 3,000 capsules of Contact NT, or the Snow globe…..

Once in the Air bridge I found Mrs Jafa being harassed by a female FA.

“I’m just waiting for my husband”

“Ma’am, you need to board the aircraft”

I got there just in time because I knew Mrs Jafa might just be in possession of something sharp (other than her tongue) and unlike trying to board a TAP flight with a replica gun during Gulf War 1, arguing with an FA is not a charge I could take ownership of….but there is a website for people who want to write to female prisoners, so we wouldn’t have been entirely apart for the next 5 years to life.

We boarded in haste, before any further dialogue ensued, dialogue that might extend our stay in Florida by the parameters mentioned above.

Inside it was much the same as the flight in from LAX, a newish Airbus…..I hid my 787 launch hat, took the window seat and pondered the meaning of life as we taxied out and somehow managed to jump the queue by 5 places, giving us an early take off.



I managed to remain glued to the window for the next 5 hours…..

Initially it was “El Turbulente” and the cloud cover was high….so high that even at 38,000 feet it was foggy and bumpy, I didn’t like that as there was nothing to see and my head kept hitting the window surround…..so I sorted out the TV channels for Mrs J and perused the menu.



40-50 mins passed before the clouds dispersed and there was plenty to see, lots of America laid out below like a recently completed jigsaw puzzle.







This time we took a more direct route from Orlando to the Southern States Coastline, not a dog leg, more of a gently curving arc.

There was plenty of air traffic about, we made a sharp course correction at one point and what looked like an American Airlines DC9 shot out from underneath us and headed away on a slightly diverging course, I stared at it, fascinated, imaging the people inside, looking out at us and wondering about the people inside, looking out at them…….

It was cool though, a rare treat as we followed the sun to LAX.

The hills around Sedona reminded Mrs Jafa of her time there many years ago.

Once over Lake Havasu City we changed course a bit and presently started the approach to LAX,



I watched the map like a geek



and grooved on the pinkish hues the air was taking on as the sun raced to set before we made it onto the tarmac…..we won….just!



We had arrived 30 mins early and the Captain seemed pretty chuffed with this, “It’s how we roll on Virgin America” he quipped….nice to have a human at the controls.

We stumbled out into terminal 3 and followed the signs to Terminal 2, not a long walk but a welcome one, I wondered if the gate area would still be as crowded and grubby as last time I saw it in 2003 (I have been in transit each time through LAX since then).

At the check-in desk I tried to get the same seats we had on the way over but the flight was full and I was content with the ones I had managed to book online ages ago….we had 57D and E, which are next to the “2 behind 3” seats and just as comfortable…anything beats two middle seats.

Once checked in we got into a queue, a pointless queue and obviously part of a TSA job creation scheme…..you had to show your passport and boarding card to some wizened Harridan in order to be allowed onto the escalator to go and show your passport and boarding pass to someone else….the queue was growing by the second as the troll at the barrier (a virtual barrier, made only of attitude and angst) was reading nearly every word on each boarding pass and in every passport……people were muttering…I don’t think it’s a good idea to mutter in queues in the USA so I merely fumed.

After about 5 mins of muttering, queue growing and fuming a young Asian TSA, who looked more important than her winsome looks implied (due to her having a jaunty hat) came and said something quietly to the troll and waved everybody through…done! Just like that….sanity and an appropriate solution-based intervention from the TSA….it really must be the end of the world as we know it….

Up the top of the escalator it was back to the world as we know it, bored and silent TSA bods were looking at our paperwork and herding us into X-Ray queues, shoes off, belt off, try not to look suspicious, hope that “stuff” isn’t illegal or dangerous….before my shoes had come through the conveyor belt ground to a halt and they called for a bag inspector….and then they asked me to “step aside sir”…..with no shoes on.

Oh dear….something in my bag had been deemed “interesting” and I was in trouble, Mrs Jafa had melted into the ether once more and I felt naked and ashamed….no, maybe not at this point…I think that was a different interaction with a middle-aged Asian lady and a fat Cop…..

All my things were dragged off the belt….I was taken to a very unprivate place and the middle-aged Asian lady took everything out of my backpack in a manner that suggested she knew exactly what she was looking for and where it was in my bag, oh noes! What did the TSA at MCO miss and how long do you get in jail for exploding sex-toys?

The lady pulled out a sock, a green and black sock (the worst kind) it was folded over and over itself to protect the contents.

“What’s in here?” she asked

I gulped, I started to sweat profusely and eventually managed to stammer..

“A…a….s-s-s-snow globe”

I stared at the floor in shame….

She took it out; it was pink and had Ernest Hemingways House and two 6-toed cats inside…



“How the feck am I going to explain this?” I thought to myself, feeling a well of pity and embarrassment begin to swallow me up…I wondered if I could cut my wrists with my boarding pass…..

The lady took the snow globe (which I had bought for my mate Martin, he claims he has never had a present from overseas in all his 53 years and I promised to bring him something utterly tacky) and paraded it, along with all the other “stuff” in my bag, to the X-ray machine, held everybody up and proceeded to, very publicly, X-ray each item on its own, scrutinising them carefully.

I can only wonder what alarm bells a snow globe rings in an X-ray machine….probably very similar to the one that would ring if one were found to have a bound and gagged 8 year-old boy in ones carry-on….

Oddly enough I got all my stuff back, the lady very carefully re-wrapped the snow globe (as if she felt some sympathy for my perverted ways) and put everything back into my backpack…concerned that some things may now be in different places from before.

I reassured her that as long as they were in there I was happy, Mrs Jafa had watched the whole scenario from whatever fragment of the space-time continuum she had been holed-up in and gave me a knowing look…..knowing what, I cannot and will not say.

To recover from her recent dimensional jump and my embarrassment, we determined to find somewhere in the heaving crap hole that is the gate area at LAX that was quiet (no chance) sold nice food (even less chance) or was comfortable (what were we thinking!!).

We settled for some soup and a filled roll plus “sodas”.

While Mrs Jafa subdued the soup enough to consume it I wandered off in search of either a pay-per-use lounge or somewhere quiet to lay down for an hour.

All I managed to find was a corner of the upstairs landing that wasn’t a busy thoroughfare but it was ours, we were there first and nobody else had the guts to lay down on the musty carpet.

We didn’t mind what was on or in the carpet, we knew that it would be 12 hours plus a car journey to Whangaparaoa before we would be able to get horizontal again….we made like refugees and got some precious sleep.



Boarding was boarding, it’s always the same and we were glad to be on the final leg (albeit the longest one).



The flight was unremarkable, no bad turbulence, I watched “No Country for Old Men” and decided it was one of the best movies I have ever seen.

I watched us cross the Equator and annoyed the hell out of Mrs Jafa by managing to get some meaningful sleep.



What was nice was the port loos….as an experiment Air NZ have put wallpaper in the port loo at the back, the one with the white door, not the black door….it looks like a library bookshelf, with fictitious and funny titles (to a Kiwi, nobody else would get the local humour) and made the toilet look spacious and nice, like a gentlemen’s club.





I sat in there for ages, reading the book spines and was a total rebel because I stayed there when the “Return to seat” light was displayed in the mirror…..I stayed because it was nice in there, like having my own private cabin….yes, long haul travel affects the mind…..and the butt.



Sunrise, breakfast and landing all came in quick succession as I watched the remaining episodes of Top Gear.



….it was soooo nice to be home, although being on an Air NZ Heavy also feels like home, it’s nice to back in one’s ‘hood….now all I had to do was explain the snow globe to NZ customs and remember where I had parked the car…….

Last edited by Jafa39; Oct 3, 2012 at 7:51 pm
Jafa39 is offline  
Old Oct 19, 2012, 6:59 am
  #2  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Brisbane AU, Planet X
Programs: QC Life, QFF Gold, VA Gold, HH nothing,IHG Gold
Posts: 1,604
Originally Posted by Jafa39

gulped, I started to sweat profusely and eventually managed to stammer..

Aa.s-s-s-snow globe

I stared at the floor in shame.

She took it out; it was pink and had Ernest Hemingways House and two 6-toed cats inside



How the feck am I going to explain this? I thought to myself, feeling a well of pity and embarrassment begin to swallow me upI wondered if I could cut my wrists with my boarding pass..

The lady took the snow globe (which I had bought for my mate Martin, he claims he has never had a present from overseas in all his 53 years and I promised to bring him something utterly tacky) and paraded it, along with all the other stuff in my bag, to the X-ray machine, held everybody up and proceeded to, very publicly, X-ray each item on its own, scrutinising them carefully.


.it was soooo nice to be home, although being on an Air NZ Heavy also feels like home, its nice to back in ones hood.now all I had to do was explain the snow globe to NZ customs and remember where I had parked the car.
A snow globe; where did you get the idea to get a snow globe as a gift, tacky yes.

Thanks for adding part 2.

Yeah I have a few trip reports I should finish writing up.
Bundy Bear is offline  
Old Oct 21, 2012, 8:52 pm
  #3  
FlyerTalk Evangelist
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: East Coast
Programs: AA CONCIERGE KEY & 1MM, HILTON DIAMOND
Posts: 11,820
No inflight meal pics?
fly747first is offline  
Old Oct 28, 2012, 12:42 am
  #4  
Original Poster
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: NZ
Programs: airpoints
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by fly747first
No inflight meal pics?
NEVER!!!!!!!! There are some depths to which even I will not sink.....
Jafa39 is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Manage Preferences - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service -

This site is owned, operated, and maintained by MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. Copyright © 2024 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Designated trademarks are the property of their respective owners.