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Air Krapistan Y class

Air Krapistan Y class

Old Sep 3, 11, 7:18 pm
  #1  
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Programs: Air Krapistan Poop Points "Scooper Level"
Posts: 215
Air Krapistan Y class

Air Krapistan Y class

As a fellow flying enthusiast I couldn’t resist getting a chance to try Air Krapistan’s coach service. I had enough points for a free ticket. The Poop Points program is not linked to any other points earning program. As Air Krapistan doesn’t have a website one has to go to the city ticket office to convert points. I had a really hard time finding the office as it is located in the back of a butcher shop. I brought the required 6 pieces of ID along with a medical certificate and a copy of my police report to the counter. A bored employee with several missing teeth and an eye patch helped me. At first he didn’t believe that one could get a free ticket, but I was able to convince him with several pages of printed material from the airline. This helped, but I think the 5 packs of Marlboro’s I gave him helped expedite the process. Though the ticket was free the taxes and fees had to be paid for in either hard currency or chickens. Since I had no chickens handy I opted for dollars. Air Krapistan requires that passengers be present at least 5 hours prior to departure. This seemed a bit extreme, but I soon found out why.

I joined a line of about 800 people outside the airport on my travel day. I was nervous about the 5 hour requirement, so I got to the airport with plenty of time. I waited with many Krapistani’s for whom this would be their first flight. Most were praying, some were rounding up the livestock that would be traveling with them. As the line approached the counter we were told not to look in the direction of the first class line as we were not worthy. After 2 hours of waiting I finally got to the counter. After presenting my ID and my criminal record I was given a boarding pass in the smoking section. I tried to change it, but was informed that all of coach is smoking. I would learn that this is a good thing as the thick haze of smoke cuts down on the smell of the Krapistani’s who aren’t very fond of bathing.

The security line moved rather quickly. Some of the animals were getting sent to secondary screening, but the human line wasn’t long. You are asked a series of questions before getting to the x ray machine. The toughest was “Name three funny Rob Schnider movies”. Thank God I remembered Demolition Man or I might still be standing there. After security we were herded to the holding pens. This is where the criminal record comes into play. Felons get to go to the front of the scrum so that the innocent aren’t injured when the pens open. I showed my record of 2 moving violations and the pen supervisor was not impressed. I lied and said that I ran over 3 people. That got me into the third row.

As the holding pen neared capacity a small door opened. All 1000 or so coach passengers tried our best to get thru at the same time. The felons in the front had a clear edge. I was able to hurdle a small calf and make my way to the door. Once thru I ran full speed towards the plane. I was one of the first 50 or so to run up the stairs to the plane, so I was able to get the second row of benches. Being in the front is important as the only restroom is in the back of the aircraft. You don’t want to be anywhere near there. Only one flight attendant was in the coach section. I wondered why she had a whip. My benchmates and I were 6 abreast on the left side of the plane. Coach is a 6x12x6 configuration, making it quite cozy. Pitch is a tight 28 inches. I helped a women stow 3 chickens into the overhead. That left 2 for her to hold for the duration of the flight. After the flight attendant had chained everyone in we were ready for takeoff. The captain came on and said that we needed to balance the load, so several sheep were moved to the other side of the plane. Before takeoff I glanced at the safety card taped to the back of the bench in front of me. It was rather simple with only one word. Run! Soon we were airborne.

More to follow........
nydave11 is offline  
Old Sep 3, 11, 7:31 pm
  #2  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
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Awesome.
BryanIAH is offline  
Old Sep 4, 11, 8:55 am
  #3  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 950
Reminds me my first yet Easy Jet flight

Again Brilliant,

i want more
Mynameismud is offline  
Old Sep 4, 11, 2:33 pm
  #4  
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: United Kingdom
Programs: BA | EK | EY | PK
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HAHA I feel sorry for you. Though I love your report!

Please im dying to know what is Air Krapistan?
PK777 is offline  
Old Sep 4, 11, 5:40 pm
  #5  
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Programs: Air Krapistan Poop Points "Scooper Level"
Posts: 215
Final part of Air Krapistan Y class


I was eager to experience Air Krapistan’s famous “Gulag of the Air” inflight service. First up was a movie. An old Super 8 projector was attached to the ceiling and our entertainment was about to begin. We were treated to a black and white documentary chronicling Krapistans 1997 victory in the arm wrestling competition at the “All Stan Games.” After a quick defeat of Pakistan, Krapistan faced a tough match against Kurdistan. In the semis they made quick work of Turkmenistan. And of course the world can never forget their performance in the finals against Someguynamedstan.

Soon enough the movie was over and it was time to get comfy on our benches before our meals would be served. With only 2 flight attendants and 1000 passengers to feed things move quickly. Each row is given a small wooden bowl. Gruel is ladled into the bowl. The bowl is filled at the aisle and each passenger gets two gulps before passing the bowl to the next passenger. When my turn came I noticed there were two larvae in the gruel. I looked for the head flight attendant. I assumed she was the one with the scarred knees. I pointed to the larvae in the bowl. She asked if I had paid for them. I said no, so she scooped them up and gave them to another passenger who had purchased from the “buy larvae onboard” program. The regulars started betting amongst themselves as to when the gruel would run out. If you bet on row 32 you were a winner. A couple of people made a rush towards the first class section in search of food. It was then that I learned why the crew carries whips.

After the meal service was completed we were left to amuse ourselves for the rest of the flight. The children took turns racing their head lice while the adults played “Name this rash”. I had to use the restroom. I bargained with one of the bigger felons to walk me to the rear of the plane. I liked the communal piece of toilet paper. On the way back to my bench I passed several groups that had opened trading posts. If anyone asks you the going rates for in flight tooth extraction tell them its 2 chickens or one well fed piglet. I went back to my bench and glanced thru the inflight magazine, Krap Times. There was an article on how to avoid the plague when traveling through Krapistan. The best advice was not to breathe.

The captain came on and said we would be landing shortly. The flight attendants put their protective padding back on and got ready to re-chain the passengers to their benches. Women who had given birth during the flight were allowed to hold their newborns, instead of having to chain them. It’s a nice touch. As we touched down most of the cabin started shoving their way towards the back of the plane. Only 6 people were trampled on this flight, which I hear is a very low total. I was able to deplane in under 2 hours.

This report was not meant to disparage any of the great trip reports on the site. I find most of them to be interesting and well written. Thanks for taking the time for reading this and my other report http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/trip-...-republic.html.

Thanks
Dave
nydave11 is offline  
Old Sep 4, 11, 7:10 pm
  #6  
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
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I wanted to hear how you did in the gladiator matches. Or is that only an option on international flights?
manneca is offline  
Old Sep 5, 11, 12:36 am
  #7  
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: NYC
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Posts: 567
That's exactly like my last (and only) trip with Kuwait Airways!!!

Well.. Almost.. We didn't have the super8 projector..
ale.penazzi is offline  
Old Sep 5, 11, 12:46 pm
  #8  
 
Join Date: Feb 1999
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Dave, Dave, Dave...

This is just too funny. Thanks for the great report.

Cheers
Nanook is offline  

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