Pardon me while I don a clothespin...
 

...on my nose.

Have you ever wanted to say that to a stinky seat companion? Ever get stuck with a REALLY BAD one? Perfume? B.O.? Something unidentifiable?

I barely missed that once. Hubby and I were on a WN flight, and I was using my laptop at an outlet in the gate area. All of a sudden, I was enclosed by an invisible cloud of tobacco smell. It was so bad that for a moment I thought someone had lit up. But no, a guy was standing next to me whose clothes reeked so badly that all I can figure is he purposely dried them in a chamber of cigarette smoke so he could make it through the no-smoking flight simply by sniffing his jacket. It was so bad that I actually had to move because I started sneezing.

This being WN, I was in mortal terror that he'd sit next to us, since we take a window and a middle. I am normally mannerly, but on this flight I rudely placed my carry-on onto the aisle seat and fiddled around in it till Mr. Tobacco Road went past (which I would have been able to tell, even with my eyes closed). I pity the poor slob who got stuck with him as a seat companion, unless of course it was a fellow smoker who might appreciate the smoke-less buzz achieved by inhaling his aroma.

I saw another stinky person on WN, but at the time I was safely seated. They had apparently asked him to board last and directed him into the front lav with a fresh t-shirt and little kit of toiletries (they must keep 'em on hand for personal hygiene "incidents"). The guy looked like he had pulled clothes out of a rag bag and had rolled in a mud puddle before the flight. In the new shirt, he looked somewhat better, but I still pitied the person he ended up plopping down next to somewhere in the back of the plane (I was smugly situated in the bulkhead).

On a recent departure from Cdg to return to the U.S., the pax across the aisle had an oder that would knock a buzzard off of a manure wagon. I got weak at the mere thought of seven or eight hours across a narrow aisle from the source of bad odors. Just prior to closing the aircraft door, he moved to the rear of the plane. I guess he snagged an unoccupied row. I didn't go back to check. Great move for both of us.

Perfume
 

Once on a transatlantic (a rare vacation one) I was seated across the aisle from a woman who kept dragging out this really nasty perfume/whatever and putting it on/waving it under her nose. Couldn't stand it, so I directed my vent at her. She then proceeded to get very cold and huddle under a blanket (while still doing the perfume thing). My mother (I was 25 at the time) came back to her seat and made me turn the vent off as it was rude to make the woman suffer. As soon as I did though, she immediately told me to turn the vent back on her. Not the nicest thing I ever did, but it was better than spending 10 hours with that smell.

Nov 2004 flight on UA SYD-LAX, the guy in front of us in C, main deck had absolutely incredible BO. It permeated the cabin. The guy's intitial seatmate changed seats to the opposite side. There were no other empty seats. A serious impediment to the quality of the flight.

Better than a clothespin is a surgical mask with a few drops of spirit of peppermint (re-apply as needed) over the nose. At the time, I thought about bringing these items along for long flights, but I guess I never got around to acquiring them. Maybe now I'll motivate.

I was watching Airline the other day on A&E and they had a passenger who smelled bad and they refused him boarding and made him change his clothes and wash up in the restroom before the next flight.

I flew back to the States from South Afriza on either KLM or Air France in the mid nineties. I had been on the road for two months in Asia and Africa, and I was exhausted. On the leg from Joburg to either CDG or AMS, I was downgraded to coach (full flight, not a member of the FF club, cheaper ticket, airline worker strike, I forget what the reason was).

Anyway, I just wanted to get home at that point, so I said whatever and took the boarding pass and boarded the plane. Massive mistake. My seat was in the last row of the front coach section, in the middle section, in the middle seat. On either side of me were two hugely fat Frenchmen who had failed to bathe during their time in Africa, but had found the time to drink enormous quantities of alcohol. My disgust at the idea of the first guy sitting down next to me turned to horror when the second guy sat down on the other side.

We took off, and they both fell asleep instantly, snoring and breathing wine fumes grossly from their open mouths, slobbering at times onto their own shoulders. That was my personal nightmare flight, and I have had some odd ones. No sleep, in coach, crushed and farted on and breathed on, unable to get out to the bathroom, nauseated, and forced to look at a clock on the wall that counted down the hours to our destination.

Only because I was young and studly did I survive that one. On the bright side, I can compare most other "bad" flights or unfortunate circumstances to this experience and say, "Well, it could be worse."

I'm not sure which is worse: heavy cologne or excessive body odor.

Just a few times I've had the pleasure of sitting next to someone who presumed that cologne (or maybe aftershave?) was an adequate substitute for soap and water. If you were in my position, which would you have opted for: a raging headache or sucking putrid air? Oy ...