The Bill Mattocks

Associated Newz Service - Washington - October 29, 2003

Solar Flare Has USA Worried - Terrorist Plot, or Harmless Tourists?

The news, released last week, that massive solar flares were headed for Earth and could disrupt radio communications, damage GPS systems, and annoy cats, has the USA worried, according to confirmed sources inside the government.

Sources close to President Bush reported confidentially that an inquiry was underway to determine if the Solar Flares were hiding weapons of mass destruction, and if so, how best to invade the sun with US Marines from the Marine Expeditionary Brigade recently returned from Iraq. It has been reported that some feel that the Solar Flares have been funneling money to Al-Qaida and supplying weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea, a direct violation of the "Because We Say So" unilateral US - Everybody Else arms treaty.

Attorney General John Ashcroft, insiders say, was disturbed to discover that the Solar Flares generally do not wear clothing. He ordered the Department of Homeland Security to find some way to place curtains over any offending naughty bits. Former President Clinton reportedly said that he'd volunteer, in the interest of world peace, to place the curtains personally.

Admiral Loy, formerly head of the TSA, allegedly said that he was working closely with US Customs and Border Patrol to make sure that the Solar Flares did not sneak into the USA without appropriate passports and visas. He plans to issue regulations requiring the Solar Flares to remove their shoes prior to passing through airport security. No, wait, they can leave their shoes on. No, hold that, shoe removal for Solar Flares is voluntary. But they must leave their luggage unlocked, or risk having it damaged by the Great Apes recently obtained from a variety of zoos worldwide and trained to smash open luggage with great speed and accuracy. And take off their shoes. Or not. At this point, Loy allegedly spun in circles and his head exploded.

Governor-Elect Arnold Schwartzenegger of California has seen a parallel between the Solar Flares and recent wildfires in Southern California. He tried to make a statement to that effect, but no one could understand him. A spokesman for the Governor-Elect said that it turns out that Arnold actually *does* have a mouth full of marbles, but what he actually meant to say was that he was planning to tell the Solar Flares, "Hasta La Vista, Baby!" and then rip off half his face, revealing his cyborg skeleton, while firing eleventy-thousand rounds of ammunition at them. This is predicted to have no effect, but the crowds will love it.

Meanwhile, Democratic candidates for President seem united in their stance that the Solar Flares are just figments of President Bush's imagination, and have called for the White House to reveal any information it has on the so-called Solar Flares. John Kerry, perennial contender for President and winner of the recent "Face Like Shoe Leather" award, has reported that in his opinion, Solar Flares are not taxed heavily enough, and they get far too many benefits. The Reverend Al Sharpton is quoted as stating that the entire thing is a racist plot by the right wing, intended to keep minorities oppressed.

NASA, which is tracking the approach of the Solar Flares, has reported that it is currently one million miles from earth - er, no, scratch that, it is one million kilometers from earch and approaching at the 'Speed of Light'. That speed, of course is...ah, NASA says they're a little unclear on that and want some time to work it out on their MacIntosh computers. It has something to do with the 'metric system', whatever that is.

Best Regards (and Best of Luck),

Bill Mattocks

PS - This just in from the BBC World News Service (late as usual):

The BBC today reported that in the World Cup Finals (which never actualy end), Lower East Elbonia 5, Absurdistan 12. Soccer fans reportedly incensed and blame Solar Flare. Shopkeepers in France on strike, but not sure why. Soccer sensation Beckham, meanwhile, had a shower and went out to have a look at the shops. Reporting for the BBC, I'm Sheldon Smithers-Smythe-Carrington-QuackQuack.

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Eastbay1K

I'm just hoping that this will cause some spectacular aurora shows on my SFO/CDG flight tomorrow night.

pinniped

I don't know if this is even OMNI-worthy.

BigLar

Lighten up ... it's a hoot!

knoa_knows

http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/global-fi...m-toward-earth

WASHINGTON, USA - The strongest geomagnetic storm in more than six years was forecast to hit Earth's magnetic field on Tuesday, and it could affect airline routes, power grids and satellites, the U.S. Space Weather Prediction Center said.


http://www.nasa.gov/topics/aeronauti...radiation.html

Scientists at NASA’s Langley Research Center have completed a first attempt to accurately calculate the level of damaging radiation flight crews and passengers are exposed to on commercial airline flights. The work is an early step toward developing a model to observe radiation exposure for all commercial flights, particularly for pilots and crews who spend their careers airborne and who are at greater risk of developing certain cancers.

UnitedFlyGuy

This would be all airlines. Not just Delta.

javabytes

No, but I did suspect something was awry when my Woodford evaporated into thin air. Wait, that might not have been the sun...

knoa_knows

Matters how they have the airplane fitted out, doesn't it? I suppose if one requested additional UV protection on the hull and was willing to pay for it, then Boeing and Airbus might comply.

glbetrotter

To paraphrase, "Surely you are joking, Mr/Ms knoa_knows" (at least I hope you were). There are ad infinitum better ways to spend the money than protecting aircraft from UV radiation that cannot penetrate even the thinnest windows, let alone the hull ...

UnitedFlyGuy

:/

tentseller

Same problem with my Woodfords too

BobH

Nor is it related to sun burn per se -- think cosmic rays and northern lights.

<lol>

Bob H

Ancien Maestro

Ultra hot when I was sitting window seat flying HOU to CUN .. I'm dark skinned, and yes I can see myself getting sunburned if I didn't cover myself.

nerd

Even though airline windows block UV light?

The average piece of glass starts at SPF30 and goes up from there.

glbetrotter

Getting hot - likely; getting sunburned - nearly impossible.