On Southwest a couple of times I've heard the FA's make jokes like "welcome to Honolulu" after landing. Once a pilot came on before pushback and asked "where should we go today?"

I am not sure this actually happened but it is still funny:

After a particular rough, bumpy landing, the pilot stood at the door to the cockpit, waiting for comments about his skill (or lack thereof). He thought he had escaped criticism until the last passenger, a little old lady with a cane, stopped and asked, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

duplicate

[This message has been edited by SeAAttle (edited 02-15-2003).]

OK, it's Friday, that's my excuse for this one....


San Jose, the “Downtown” Airport
Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

---

Fast-Talking Kind of Guy
A pilot obtaining a clearance from the rapid-fire Trenton controller who shot back "Trenton, you can repeat that, oh, about ten times. Or you can say it again once... slowly."

---

ATC: "Alpha Bravo Charlie... Say altitude."
Pilot (feeling frisky): "Altitude."
ATC: "Say ALTITUDE!"
Pilot: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "Say 'Canceling IFR'."
Pilot: "Level 8000"

---

Pilot to Tower: "Can you give me a rough time-check?"
Tower: "It´s Tuesday, Sir"

---

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

---

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."

---

ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

---

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

---

727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

---

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

---

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a little man with hammer.
Solution: Took hammer from little man.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious

Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Flight from FLL to CVG on September 17, 2001:
757 with 10 passengers. Full crew, 2 FC and 8 coach.

Upon boarding, all FA's stood at attention at the door greeting everyone. FC passenger joined them.

FA: Are you looking for someone, sir?
FC: Sir, I'm looking at EVERYONE!

Door pulled shut.

Same FA: Sir, (produces business card) I'm (guy's name), head of security for Delta nationwide. We have numerous people in disguise to protect our flights and passengers. Your flight is secure.

Not necessarily assuming, but pretty comforting!

Same flight: Filet Mignon served with plastic knife. Luckily, it was tender.

On a AA flight ORD-MCI on Christmas Day about 7 years ago, the entire safety briefing was read like 'Twas the night before Christmas. Very well done and got a round of applause. Unfortunately, there was very heavy ground fog at MCI and we ran low on juice circling so we had to divert to DSM. We didn't get off the plane but of course they still had to do another safety briefing, which was the regular script.

It was rather weird on approach to MCI seeing radio towers (and nothing else) sticking out of the fog, which hugged the ground. It's one thing to see the TV tower at Twin Peaks in San Francisco coming through the fog, but you know it's pretty flat in Missouri.

Fortunately my sister held Christmas dinner for me.

The flights where the crew members are "fun" are special. I had a BA flight LGA-OTP flight a few years ago where the crew members gave the appearance that they actually enjoyed working together AND working as a flight crew! Which was refreshing amidst all my encounters with my travel as Elite on NW.

My favorite Southwest joke was at BWI while taxiing to the gate:

"If you are connecting to another Southwest flight, please check the monitors to verify the correct gate.

If you are connecting to another airline, we really don't care."

I was on an NW MD80 a few years back on a Sunday afternoon. Seated a few rows ahead of me was a mother and her daughter, who was about seven or eight years old. The daughter had just won some contest or event as she had a large trophy about two feet in length.
The landing was one of those 'arrivals', you know the ones I'm talking about. I exited the plane later than usual as I had to go back to retrieve my carry-on and as I'm walking up to the flightdeck I see the daughter proudly discussing her new trophy to the first officer, who is holding it with both hands. As I walk past the captain and first officer, who is still holding the trophy, I say (with a smile on my face), "I hope you didn't win that trophy for this landing." The captain bends over gigling like a child and I calmly walk onto the jetway. See, its not just the crews who can have fun !

Had a recent Qantas flight CHC/SYD on a 767, sitting in first row of J with girlfriend (now fiancee). On take off, the coffee pots , along with trays, etc actually fell out and bounced down the RHS aisle with water running back into Y (crew hadn't closed latches properly). I heard it all coming and stuck my foot out to stop whatever I could (in case it injured somebody behind), resulting in bruised and wet leg (thankfully water was still cold).

FA's were so apologetic but very contrite (and gay) CSM got on PA and announced:

"We apologise to all passengers about the loud noise on take-off...only the coffee pot trying to escape to the rear gallery where his girlfriend the teapot lives. He has been arrested, fined and sent to solitary confinement"

Made us all smile http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttr...orum/smile.gif

Landing in a 767 this past Tuesday afternoon at a very icey JFK, the pursuer bellowed about three seconds after touchdown:

"Whoa, big fella....."



______________

P.S. Braking was actually pretty good

German BA flight TXL - CGN on April 1, years ago:

We welcome you aboard our flight from Berlin to Munich. The flight time will be...

Pax got somewhere between hysteric to frantic: the crew kept the whole thing through to landing. Questions re boarding pass were answered with Oh, ground staff must have made a mistake.

First Class on USAirways, when it still was nice, same crew on return to Europe as outbound: Hello Mr. Racer - same as on the way in? A bottle of champagne, too mayn gin tonics, bottle of chablis, bottle of chardonnay, port and then the duvet?

Some years ago on a LH flight: A passenger called the FA and told her in broken english (he was not a native speaker): 'My chicken is bad !'. The FA bent over his meal, put the piece of chicken on a fork and looked at it with a severe face saying 'Bad, bad chicken !!!'

Of course, how much fun you have depends heavily on the crew.

Traveling AA from SFO to JFK, we tried to have a little fun with the crew, but they weren't receptive. As they were going around with the meals, "what would you like, sir?" We pulled out the in-flight shopping catalog and pointed to a picture. "We'll take the wild game sampler, please". She just tried to glare a hole right through us - no sense of humor.

Tried again on the landing when the captain said to stow all carryons, keep the aisle clear, etc. The flight attendant pulled out her seat (one of the ones that slides into the aisle). Friend goes, "excuse me maam. I think you are blocking the aisle." She just glared back at us - this one didn't have a sense of humor either.

If you don't succeed, try try again. On an Eagle flight a couple days later was a completely different story result. Getting on the plane, my friend asked "do you have any peanuts?" "sorry sir, we don't have peanuts on (eagle)" "ohh... I wanted a peanut". Asked him about it again later in boarding. FA, in a saucy sort of tone: "Are you going to be my PROBLEM child?".

FA came down the aisle to check with us since we were seated in the exit row. "Do you gentlemen know how to operate the exit doors?" We looked at it and went, "well, uhhh..."

"Don't mess with me child, I'll throw you out of there THAT (*snap*) fast!"

FA goes back and checks the passenger list, then returns to us.

FA: Mr. Garcia, is there anything I can help you with today?
Friend whispers: (Uhoh - cheapo! I THINK HE KNOWS MY NAME!!!)

Cabin starts cracking up. FA leaves.

Friend falls asleep. FA comes by with the cart and SMACKS my friend with it (he's big) - deliberately waking him up.

FA: What do you want to drink?
Friend: Well, I'm not really thirsty.
FA: After all that crud about the peanuts, you're going to have something to drink!
Friend: I guess I'll have apple juice.
FA: Here's cran-apple.
Friend: but..
FA: YOU'RE GONNA DRINK IT!
Frind drank it.

(other passengers in the plane are cracking up at this point).

I fall asleep next, leaning forward on my elbows.

FA comes down the aisle, ignoring all the other pax. Gets to friend.

FA: Mr. Garcia - can I get anything more for you? More juice?
Friend: No thanks, I'm fine.
FA, motioning to me asleep: What's he doing?
Friend: I think he's praying.
FA: What for?
Friend: IONO - I'll ask him.

FA goes the rest of the way down the aisle and doesn't ask anyone else if they want more.

I wake up before landing.

Friend: So what were you praying for?
Me, not knowing context: Our luggage. (we had a big problem with our luggage after that SFO/JFK flight)

Friend yells: Hey Mr. (FA)! He was just praying for his luggage!

Laughs all over the plane.

As much as I hate sitting on those jungle-jets, that has to be my favorite flight ever.

UA flight ORD-DFW two weeks ago:

FA - Tonight's movie will be "Sweet Home Alabama" starring Reese Witherspoon. Unfortunately, the movie running time just about coincides with our landing time at DFW, so if we start to land before the movie is over, well....errr...hmmm, well
IT'S A REESE WITHERSPOON MOVIE FOR GODDSAKES!

Had us RITALPOP!

edited for granma

[This message has been edited by kcvt750 (edited 02-21-2003).]