A funny announcement that I created enjoy the laughs
 

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Southwest Airlines Flight 505 from Sun Jose CA to Albucookie New Mexico. I am Dan along with my best friends and co-workers Tina and Dave who will make sure you get enough peanuts and beverages. Our Pros up front who are here for your safety and nothing else are Captain Bob Renyolds and Co- Pilot GPS specialist Sam Smith Please remember that we charge 40 cents per peanut so if your nuts you will buy our best roasted nuts. To Lift up your spirits then taste our LIFT coffee which will wake you up on this early morning first class flight.

Now for our safety demonstration. Pay attention to our lovely flight attendants who will test you at the end. To pass the test we ask that you please take out the flight safety briefing card located in the seatback pocket in front of you and follow along to pass the test. We at Southwest need you to buckle up cause its the law. To fasten your seatbelt insert that funny looking metal strap from the 1900s into the buckle. To unfasten lift up on that tab after having some LIFT Coffee. This is a non-smoking, non-whining and non-complaining flight. FAA regulations prohibit smoking in our Water Closets in the back or disabling any lavatory smoke detector which is hooked up to our monitoring company in Dallas. An alarm sounds in the cockpit if you disable it. A fine of $10,000 dollars can be sent to your door in addition to being kicked off the flight. Also FAA requires you to comply with Crewmembers Lessons and Instructions.

Should a sudden change in cabin pressure occur a margarine container will appear using Steve Jobs Siri Assistant automatically from the compartments above you. If you are smart enough pull it towards you and place them over your nose and mouth and breath normally. It will cost you 25 cents per minute of air. Should you be seated next to someone who looks like they are passing out first place your margarine mask over your nose and mouth and help them. This includes young children.

In the unlikely event that our flight diverts to Hawaii or Lake Tahoe and the use of safety flotation devices becomes necessary pray that you can put them over your body and put the strap around your waist and buckle it. You will then be directed to the slides. Slide on down the playground slide into the water. No we did not leave out infants or children so ask one of our Captains of Southwest Cruise Lines for their precious and costly flotation device if we need to make a water landing. Flotation River Rafts may be used so we will ask if there are any kyakers or River Rafters to help paddle you to shore.

If you are seated in an Emergency Exit Row it means you will help us evacuate. Should you feel too tired to read the safety instructions or you forgot to buy me a Starbucks Latte then ring your call button and one of us will rush over and reseat you to the LIFT Coffee Club and you will be given coffee once were in the air. If you cannot understand or read English sorry you can't sit there but you will still get our famous service that we pride ourselves on.

At this time all portable electronics need to be turned off. Make sure your small house phone is switched to airplane mode and turned off. Say goodbye to your loved ones as its time to fly. The main cabin door has been locked but don't worry we will let you know when you can use your cellphones when we arrive in Albucookie New Mexico. You need to stop reading your best seller and turn off that E-Book Reader. Go to the Start Menu and select Shut Down on those Windows PCs. Or Options Menu and Shut Down on those Macs. You will be allowed to use them once were cruising at 10,000 feet above the ground. Your Instructors will let you know when its safe to use them. A list of portable electronics that can be used can be found in our infamous Spirit Magazine where you can also find a list of Spirits to drink on board.

We thank you for listening. Now we invite you to sit back, lean back, snooze, drink, eat on this 2 hour 20 minute flight into Albucookie New Mexico.

Once we are in the air we will be glad to offer you your choice of Beverages but please note we charge 4 quarters to use the lavs in the back. We will offer you our peanuts but charge 4 cents per nut. A list of our beverages can be found in the seatback pocket in front of you. Southwest Airlines does not accept George Washington Bills anymore so please have your Credit or Debit Cards ready for swipin.

Hope you enjoyed the laughs. Please comment with your own funny announcements or just on the fun I had making it up. Would I make a good Flight Attendant for Southwest?

IMHO, this simply proves why it is difficult to write good humor. Believe me, I try and I fail often.

Crickets........

YAWN!

I stopped reading after the third sentence.

Only if you accept "expired" drink coupons.

The recent cartoon where Orville tells Wilbur he has an unaccountable craving for peanuts and Coke was definitely more succinct. ;)

Or the drink coupons that states on one side : "Southwest Airlines reserves the rights to discontinue it's drink coupons program at any time"

Of Course I would accept expired drink coupons
 

My theory to the expired drink coupons are like Gift Credit cards that cannot have an expiration date. I think Southwest should let you send in your expired coupons for a Southwest Airlines Debit Gift Card to use it for drinks. Hey you earned those coupons so why not use it. In fact Southwest should be sending out a Debit Gift Card with a Southwest Logo for all future free drinks. If they are now cashless then why can't they send you a Gift Debit Card to be used on Southwest only. They would not have to pay hefty bank fees.

^^

Not so much

I couldn't even make it that far. Ugh.

I think telling people to turn off all blackberries, blueberries, and cranberries would really give this announcement some extra pizzazz.

This would be A-list matierial when WN opens a route from Albucookie, NM to Mintercourse, PA.

Wow...just wow

Painful

Apologies, but don't quit your day job! Also, it's Albuturkey in November.

^