roho

..........Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
== ==


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
== ==


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
== ==


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
== ==


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
== ==

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
== ==

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
== ==


Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."
== ==


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich over heard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"


Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


== ==

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
== ==


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST:

== ==


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
== ==

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

QF WP

One of my favourites (but I can't find it) is about aircraft calling the Tower asking for speed checks...aircraft call in progressively with increased speed until the final one tops everybody with something like Mach 2...and everybody falls quiet.

Thanks for this morning's laugh, roho. Good to see you're still around

roho

Good to hear from you QF WP.
I haven't been around for a while. Seems my travel is becoming more seasonal & this is certainly the season.
How's your platinum c/c going? Did you ever receive all the points for introducing all those new card holders?
I'll have to reccie the board to update myself on the latest trends re point accumulation.

QF WP

roho, the CB Plat card is going well, but has been supplanted by the Amex Plat card (with it's 1.5 ponts per $1). Got everybody's points for referring apart from yours as you didn't reply to my PM with the required details (but I'm happy to re-send to you so I can re-apply to CB).

Just got early re-qual back to Plat last night (see the thread on Page 1). My travelling is back to being lumpy, but sufficient for Plat (thanks to K class fares).

roho

Sorry 'bout that. I'm the only one. (insert emoticon for red & embarrassed face)
Must have missed the email.
Please re send & I'll do it for you.
re Amex plat card. They have been hounding me to get one.
I suppose it's worth the cost when it's offset with 1.5 points.
You still need your visa as well though as we all know not all merchants accept Amex.

QF WP

You've got PM .

Yes, still hold the CB Visa dor the odd time the merchant won't accept Amex. Being that most of my business expenditure is with QF, Hilton and SPG; I can't see too many times that I'll need it - but better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it (to quote an oft used phrase in our business).

roho

OK QF WP
All info sent as discussed.
Hope those points get to your acct a.s.a.p.
roho

QF WP

Letter is on it's way tonight to CB...another 10K points!

Now to keep QF happy, as it's about time I transferred my CB points across (about 100K there).

willyroo

Mach 3 actually QF WP

QF WP

Willyroo, that's the one!! Thanks - that's oneupmanship for you

Adrienne

Lol....