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The TSA just saved the day again

On August 27, 2007 the Transportation Security Administration held a press conference to report that it made a significant discovery that warrants notification to passengers and renewed vigilance among the TSA screeners and supervisors. At around 4:56am today a potentially hazardous substance that had significant potential to endanger the airways was seized at the terminal six checkpoint in the Los Angeles International airport (LAX). The TSA notes that only strict and mindless adherence to random procedures by the TSO on duty made the difference.

TSO officer Al Einstein discovered a container full of a beige amorphous solid. He said “It was not in the one quart baggie and because of that I knew it had to be dangerous. So I called over my sup and we ran it through the X-Ray machine a few times for fun.“ His supervisor that day was Otto Maton who immediately took control over the situation. He said “We had no idea what it was, why it was there or what it could be used for. At that point we knew we had to do whatever we could to keep it out of the sterile area and off the plane.”

The suspect carrying the material was apprehended and questioned. He readily confessed “I was very nervous when the screener started to poke around in my lunch bag but not really at all surprised that he confiscated my hummus dip.” Hummus is a thick dip typically served with crackers as an appetizer. He continued “My plan was to eat the whole container at once in the terminal before getting on the plane and then severely flatulate as the plane ascended. The captain would have no choice but to drop the oxygen masks and that would give me my chance to take over the plane.”

At the press conference TSA lawyer, A. Chaser, emphasized that although hummus is a food of Middle Eastern decent, the incident was not at all a case of racial profiling and that the agency also keeps airplanes safe from American favorites too. “Gravy is another food that is too dangerous for aviation.”, he said.

In response to the incident the TSA has announced new restrictions on Baba Ganoush, Tahini and Falafel balls larger than one inch in diameter. Starting immediately passengers are only permitted small amounts of these foods only when they comfortably fit within a single two ounce pita bread and the screener has had lunch.