Avoiding Close Encounters. Chatty Seatmate Strategies
 

(By Doug Fine, Special to ABCNEWS.com)

I’m a social guy. I like new people. I don’t even mind crying babies.

But every now and then, I’m a little worn out, and I need some alone time. That, of course, is when the result of Willy Loman’s coupling with Shirley Temple is placed next to me in the bulkhead of a packed Delta jet.

I asked around for strategies to avoid excessive chitchat with seatmates. A lot of help my friends were. Roger, a frequent traveler, told me, “I find a fake vomit before taking off often gets me the middle seat, too.” Jennifer proffered, “Play possum. The only way.” Sounds good, but for how long? Eventually, I’ll have to stir, or answer the flight attendant drink summons.

I think the way to do it is to, if possible, get on the plane first in your row. Load up the overhead and under seat, get your book and Walkman out, buckle up and get completely absorbed, with as many senses occupied as possible before your seatmate even arrives. Then you can give a polite grunt when greeted and go back to your reading. Look busy, like you’re studying for a final exam or preparing for a big presentation. You may want to buy some bifocals for the occasion. If there’s a movie, you can sub that for the Walkman.

But I want to stress that this technique should only be implemented in extreme circumstances — the world is antisocial enough. On 90 percent of your flights, I think it is better to meet the next human being in your life, get a bogus stock tip, have salacious thoughts. The Sky Mall section of the in-flight magazine can wait.

On a flight last year I sat next to a woman who was a marketer for a new drug she insisted I was going to be hearing about very soon: Viagra.

Ok, my most boring ever seat-mate: a Y2K consultant. He spent the entire flight giving me gloom and doom scenarios, eg, "your computer may be compliant, but if your sprinklers are not, you better have an umbrella for you computer!!! (har har har)"...It was rather painful. I finally shut him up, though, by asking him what his work plans for the new millenium were. He insisted that he'd have plenty to do cleaning up the leftover mess to last his lifetime, but he finally caught my hint...

Good article, Rudi. And I can certainly sympathize with you, Matt; someone who will not shut up is bad enough, but when they go on and on about the details of technoid stuff, it makes you want to jump screaming through the window.

Here's one thing that worked for me late last year...

I was seated next to one of these would-not-shut-up types, and, having just put a screwdriver most of the way through my forearm 2 days prior (in true Tim Taylor fashion), I had a bottle of antibiotic pills that were bigger than what you would give a horse. It was time for my daily dose, and I had an inspiration. I shook one of them into my palm and held it out where my motor-mouth friend could get a gooooood look at the monster. Then I said, "Man, this tuberculosis medicine...miss one dose, just ONE dose..." and then I swallowed it.

The guy got up in a few minutes ostensibly to go to the bathroom, and never returned. I know he moved to another seat, but we were in first class and first class was full. I wasn't paying attention and so I didn't actually see where he went, but the only place where there were any empty seats was in coach!

P.S. Horse pills are nice, but this should work with large aspirin tablets, too

thank you for the tips ... I will smuggle monstreous PILLS trough US-immigration next time ...

Harry, The TB story is certainly an anything stopper, including the possibility of quarentine for the entire aircraft. You and all the rest of the people aboard are probably lucky your chatty seatmate did not report you to a flight attendant. You and all the passengers and crew would have enjoyed chatting with each other while each and everyone was tested or waited to be tested for TB. This is likened to the "gun" or "explosive" jokes at security.

Thanks for your concern, JAWS, but that isn't the case. People are placed on TB medication all the time for other than active infections...for instance, family members who have been exposed, or medical workers like my wife who get a "false positive" on required annual TB tests.

And in these cases, they ARE allowed to travel. Plus, I never told the guy I HAD TB, just that it was TB medication.

--Addendum to above post...JAWS' post does add a worthy note of caution about what we say or do on board planes or other public transport, though.

[This message has been edited by hnechets (edited 03-01-99).]

As soon as I get on the plane, if I hear screaming babies, loud-mouthed drunks, or sense that the old lady next to me thinks I'm her grandson, in go the earplugs. A 50 cent investment that adds more relaxation to a packed flight than a book of drink tickets...

I"ve been lucky.

Monday's EWR=ORD flight: the guy next to me in first settles in and promptly sleeps the whole flight. That's ok, it allowed me to wake up and get some more work done.

As I said... if someone wants to talk I will respond, but I let them make the first move.
I'm generally shy and need to feel out people before I can start getting CHATTY.

Hnechets: I too would advice caution about the T-B scare. Worse case situations: a doctor was nearby and overheard or PATTY PANICKY Overheard and chatting ot her seatmate "there's someone with T-B on board."
Then the conversation moves through the plane.

IN my travels:

Worse seatmates: the occassional chatty intoxicated man, one who tried to sell me on some venture. He would not say venture.

Also (and please no offense) the little old lady who decides to tell her her whole life story. There was one funny lady who after having two champaiges talked non-stop to Hawaii, a many hour flight!!!

The best seatmate: Christine on the Houston-MSY flight. We were stuck on teh ground two hours. I was frazzled and in coach. She calmed me down. We talked, laughed, shared a beer. Sadly I have not heard from her since. But what a great memory!

On that note I'm being paged!!!



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:) CATMAN :)

Catman, I'm an insurance salesman who loves to drink and talk, and travels with my pet elephant. I have TB, Lice, Cronic Cough, Dandruff, Gout, Acute Flatulance, Bad Breath, and a rather nasty facial tick. If I should mercifully fall asleep, the vibrations from my snoring have been known to release the oxygen masks. I'm sure you will be able to overlook my few imperfections sitting next to me on our way over to the Party In Paradise! Oh, and did I mention that I'm grossly overweight? http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif

OMNI FOR PREMEx: in my cat eyes, my friends are PURRFECT in almost every way! I tend to overlook the elephants and the other stuff (because I too have a tendency to saw some serious Frequent sleeping miles with the right amount of alcohol in my body!)

SO you'll be in good company going to the Party in Paradise.




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:) CATMAN :)

Sometimes I pull the "I no speak no engrish" technique, which has proven to be very effective.

Tim

I heard PremEx removes his shoes, also. Be sure and wear your other pair of socks!

Well, I always bring my earphones with the adaptor for the airline jack (courtesy of AC). If the equipment doesn't provide audio, I bring out a lot of paperwork from my briefcase. If the person continues to chat, chances are he/she will ask me what I do for a living. So I tell the annoying person that I am an embalmer. That's worked like a charm for me in discouraging unwanted conversation. However, if I were in a situation where the annoying person wants to know more about embalming, I wouldn't know what to say.

AusTxHiker... sometimes what works for me is that I start to "act" like I"m losing my voice and tell them I need to rest my throat for important presentations so I can't talk anymore.

IN your case: you can say your presentation is on new methods of embalming. Then briefly describe something about that. That could scare away most chatty seatmates.


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:) CATMAN :)

Worst seatmate ever: Delta from FLL to ATL, completely packed flight. Frazzled woman decided that I would be a great victim to tell about her abusive husband, her drinking problem and mother about to die. She cried so loud that others looked at me like I was making her cry! Oh geez, I never was happier for a flight to end.

2nd Place: Southwest Airlines from RNO to SEA. (connecting flight from LAX) I was in the window seat and trapped in place by a young couple still wound up from partying in Reno and obviously coming down/crashing from a drug overdose of some kind. I hate this airline and this made it worse.


Best seatmate ever: American Airlines from nonstop PHL to PHX waaaay back in 1981 (on a 707 yet!). Met a sweet girl, went horseback riding with her in Arizona, changed flight to fly back together, dated for about a year. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

2nd Place: Northwest Airlines, DTW to MIA about two years ago. Incredibly intelligent 11 year old boy flying for the first time. This kid knew everything there was to know about dinosaurs, insects and weather. He taught me a lot of interesting things. Perfect manners, more mature than many adults but still enough wide-eyed fascination associated with children. This kid is certainly bound to be a scientist or meterologist some day.