What's this fresh upgrade nonsense?
 

"I'm sorry sir, I cannot see upgrade availability for Northwest without a reservation. I can see business class availability, but not upgrades. What you need to do is to call reservations, and make a reservation on that flight without purchasing it. Then you give me the reservation number and I can tell you if anything is available. If it isn't, or if you want to buy a cheaper fare online, you can cancel the reservation again with no charge and try again later."

Is this normal for NW upgrades, or should I phone again and attempt to find some sanity..?

Sounds about right. This was discussed here a couple of days ago.

Upgrade and award availability on NW can easily be checked with Amadeus or Sabre. Seems like only the FD computers do not have direct access :D