Japanese Cultural Question
 

Hi there,

Last year my wife and I hosted a 16 year old Japanese boy for a year as part of an exchange student program. It was a great experience, and one I highly recommend. Since then we've planned on visiting him and now that trip has finally been booked... only I'm not sure how to proceed on a multitude of fronts.

He's asked us when we're coming over the past year, and he seemed excited when we finally booked the flight (for this Christmas). One odd thing, when we inquired as to where to book our hotel (so as to stay near to him and his family) he simply emailed back "We will reserve the hotel."

Does anyone know what that means? We just show up? His family isn't paying, are they? Yes, I realize I could simply ask but I'm doing my best not to offend if at all possible. Also, should I plan the trip in the manner I normally do (lists of what what we want to see)? I'm not sure if that's considered offensive. The other difficulty is that we're very young for exchange parents (under 30) so we're in the awkward social place of meeting his parents while clearly not a societal equal.

So then, does anyone have the playbook on this? Are we allowed to take our own daytrips with him? Can we suggest things we want to do before/during the trip? We want to be respectful of the Japanese culture and maintain great relationships all the way around but we also don't want to impose. I would plan every detail of the trip were it in my control but I'm not sure if that's a good move here. What should I avoid asking? Who pays? What do we brings as gifts?

If anyone has it in their heart to PM or respond I'd be grateful. Sorry for the length.

It is ok to ask him to confirm the reservation details. And yes, expect to pay you own way. Since Japanese kids run around with out parents even in primary school age, it should be ok to go on a day trip. Other than planning a day to meet them, have your own agenda for sightseeing etc but inform him what you want to do. Transparency works everywhere.

My kids were in Japan for home stay and I had gone to meet the host parents. If your exchange student was 16, are his parents really younger than 30? Most Japanese teenagers will have parents in their 40's and 50's.

I think there is a significant probability you could find your hotel bill paid for by his family. After all, he stayed with you and that can impose that sort of obligation on them as I understand Japanese "rules."

If you don't want to take the risk of imposing that burden, find out where they are located independently from their address and book the hotel yourself, although you have to be careful how you turn down their request to help you now so as not to make them feel badly.

Thanks!
 

Thanks Richard.. that was my worry. I'll figure out how to tactfully handle the situation.

SJU: My wife and I are 30, his parents are in their 50's.

Sorry, I read that wrong.

If they live in the country, you may be invited to stay with them. You would get a futon rollout on the living room tatami. This is not too bad except that you should get up when they get up as they may need the room for breakfast.

Really, don't worry about offending them because it seems that you are very deliberate and thoughtful and there's another standard for American/gaikokujin behavior in Japan anyways. You will be given the same cultural leeway/forgiveness that you gave the host student for certain.

1) I agree with the above posters. Tell the 16 year old that you are planning to pay for the hotel and you would feel uncomfortable if they paid for the digs. If you end up still doing the Asian "who pays for the bill" struggle, and you lose out, don't feel bad. They will feel good that they provided for you and paid you back in some form for what you did for their son. Also, you can bring extra gifts in case you are worried that they will pay and you can feel more relieved.

2) They will ask you what you want to do (guaranteed) but I initially suggest that you ask them what is best. Then, after their reply, you can suggest what you want to do. You are their guests so they will be ok if you have other plans or want to be by yourselves for a part of the stay. Also, they might even have plans of their own as well, so it is good to ask them as well before answering.

3) Regarding Gifts. It's hard now because of globalization and how much you're willing to spend, but I'll take a crack:

- In the past, I would recommend Coach items for women/girls because Coach is much more expensive in Japan, very popular and even in line with Gucci!! They even get more styles in Japan than in America I think but it is much cheaper in America. With Coach's rising prices, not as big as a gap as even two years ago tho..
- For middle-aged women: Le Sport Sac stuff was very popular recently in Japan as well and it is cheaper in America as well. But not sure how popular it is in Japan recently.
- For men: Liquor
- There was a thread on gifts to Japan on flyertalk that talked about sports memorabilia but not sure if it's so good since sports shops are so prevalent in Japan. Seattle Mariners and Ichiro stuff would be obvious but I think that they have it in Japan already most likely..
- Some other things that are good presents for young girls/guys (teenagers/20 year olds): vintage t-shirts that you can get at Salvation Army with American lettering on it or anything with an American college or school on it. These things are expensive in Japan!
- For anyone: maybe University of Washington gear/t-shirt or, Stanford/Harvard clothing.
- Other no-brainers: makeup for women/girls, necktie for the dad, scarf/muffler, etc.

It got pretty long.. my bad.

How good is your communication with your homestay guest? If it's good then you could just call him to get things straight.

If his parents insist on hosting you or paying your hotel, then maybe you could take their son on a trip somewhere in Japan. Invite him to act as your guide. Pay his costs when you're on the road and let his parents offer their hospitality when you're in their neighborhood.

It doesn't make things even, but I think it's a pretty good compromise - especially if you go somewhere that the kid is interested to visit.

Please be careful with this: any suggestions on your part are likely to be treated as orders that they'll have to comply with, no matter how much inconvenience or expense is caused. Not a problem if the things you want to do are easily accomplished, but (say) "suggesting" that you'd like to see real geishas, or a sumo match (when the basho isn't in town), or go drinking in the Ginza may land you in a world of pain.

I hate to say it, but accepting Japanese hospitality from somebody who owes me an obligation always feels like walking on eggshells... :o

We of course know our student very well as he lived with us for a year, so I don't worry about offending him - he's somewhat used to our american quirks. We call him on the phone and could ask him about some of this, but I'm not sure he'd be able or willing to tell us the facts of the matter anyway. We had a running joke while he was here about how conflict was dealt with in Japan - if he said "Hmm, we should discuss this later..." it was code for "let us never speak of this again." We all got a good laugh out of it while living in Seattle, but I'm sure while in Tokyo I could mess something up and not even know. So I figure research is my best route from those who know better.

Truly it's the parents I worry about offending. I also want to play by the rules of the culture I'm visiting as our student did his level best to try all things american in his time here.

I'm familiar with the "in your hands" way of doing things, and the advice about having them suggest first is helpful. Also helpful are the gift ideas, I know his father is a big wine connoisseur and we have great local wines.

The above post seems to imply that gifts need to be/appear expensive. I would caution against using this idea as your guiding principle for choosing a gift. Gifts need not by any means be or appear to be expensive. If there is any place where the phrase "It's the thought that counts," applies, it is most definitely Japan. I recommend getting them something difficult to get in Japan, such as products your hometown is famous for, etc- not necessarily expensive, but rather unique to your area. Designer bags, etc are widely available in Japan, regardless of whether or not they are more expensive than in America. As an example, I live in Kyoto, and when visiting people in other cities I usually bring yatsuhashi, a type of sweets Kyoto is known for.

I echo previous posters' comments about not worrying about offending people and other cultural mishaps. Maybe if you were visiting a family that lives in the boonies where foreigners simply don't exist, you might want to worry about making cultural missteps, but this is Tokyo we're talking about here. :D Not only that, but a family with a son that (I'm assuming) speaks fairly good English and has lived abroad in America. They're going to be understanding of cultural differences. As long as you take your shoes off if you go into their house, I would say there is no need to worry about offending anyone.^ :)

First, I meant to say I didn't know how much op was willing to spend. On top of that, I don't think those are extravagant gifts, especially if the family puts him up at their place or pays for their hotel reservations. We're talking about two families that are from totally different cultures that developed a familial connection. No gift is too expensive, in my opinion. I gave suggestions that go from $$$ to $ not knowing how much op is willing to spend. You don't need to get a coach handbag, either. You could even get a coach scarf, or a little wallet that costs a little over $100-150. Nowhere did I say handbag, right?

Second, this is a bigger occasion than just bringing yatsuhashi or your local sweets, or even visiting a patient in the hospital when you bring fruits from the department store worth $60-$100. I would just be prepared in case the host family (like many Japanese families do) bombard the op with gifts which is a big possibility. Just having less expensive things (or, if the gifts in totality are not that impressive) it will make the op look and feel bad, especially if the hotel reservation was paid for as well.

The thing is, there are certain activities the op wants to do. How does he accomplish this without telling the Japanese family what he wants to do?

If you have any better way to do it, please add it. Because op wants to have the best experience he can, and I presume he doesn't want to leave it all to the Japanese family. It's a great burden if the Japanese family had to figure out how to please the foreigners and if they had to make the whole Japanese trip/activities for the op without any input from the op. They would wonder what kind of things the op wants to do, what he wants to see. That's why you need to suggest things to them because I bet they would appreciate it. On top of that, I told op to ask the host family what he should do, and then after that, he can come up with suggestions of his own.

The Japanese way of doing things is that the real intentions are always spoken after the question is repeated a second time. I don't see why he can't do it here. If the op comes up with ridiculous suggestions [or, orders as you call them], that has to do with his problem, not the way of communication.

Person #1: What do you want to do?
Person #2: Anything. What do you suggest we see?
Person #1: You're our guest, so it is up to you what you want to do. Come on, what do you want to see?
Person #2: Ok, I want to go to X.

The post above mine illustrates exactly the same problem I had when I was in Japan and "dating" a Japanese woman back in 2003. I was hoping she'd have ideas of where to take me but she ended up asking me what I would like to do and all that sorts of things.

Sanosuke!

We'll have no problems getting gifts for the family I don't think - and we've exchanged gifts with them already over the past few years (after he left).

I'm willing to give on just about anything, I just don't want them to shake their heads and say "man, what jerks!" when we leave. And as we're perfectly capable of paying for our hotel it seems to me we should, right? The whole "obligation" thing has always thrown me for a cultural loop. I figure no one owes me anything! But I know this is somewhat crazy american thinking.... the problem is our student will just make a point to look out for us in any situation and we'll never know we've slandered Japan forever.

I should mention his family is quite cosmopolitan, they've all spent time abroad, so I'm most likely worried for no good reason. But I suppose this is what happens in relationships, eh?

What I've learned so far:
Take shoes off
Ask host for advice first before my own suggestions
Gifts, local is better
Don't suggest off the cuff - creates sense of obligation.
Attempt to clarify hotel situation using uber tact?

I am enjoying this absolutely fabulous thread. Thank you to all the posters for the elevated level of cross-cultural sensitivity. This represents the best of travel, especially as it is about one of my favorite places!

I would only add one thing. Wrapping. Really beautiful, or really thoughtful wrapping, no matter what you offer.