Etiquette question
 

My family (2 adults, 2 teenage daughters) is planning a visit to Japan shortly, and have been invited to stay in the home of one of my daughter's friends for part of the visit. I find the offer to be very generous and am very grateful. However, I also want to be sensitive to the fact that their family has their own life and I don't want to intrude too much.

The family initially offered to allow us to stay for our entire vacation, nearly 2 weeks. As I do when I visit friends or family in other cities who have made similar offers, I politely gave them a "way out" and offer to stay in a hotels for all or part of the time so that we are not underfoot. This is typical in my family, to make the offer is polite, to be asked to stay elsewhere is accepted without offense, and is respected and honored because it means the other family is comfortable enough to be honest with you. The Japanese family who originally made the offer then did indicate that not knowing their work and school schedules, weekends would be best. and easiest given their own family routines and needs. I was perfectly comfortable with this and was pleased the family felt comfortable enough to tell us this, as I do not want to intrude or overstay my welcome. Then I was told by a friend that when a Japanese family offers hospitality of this nature, it can be a huge affront if the hospitality is not fully honored and accepted. Now I am worried I may have offended the very kind family who made the offer through my attempts for us to be easier house guests. I'm looking for a sense of how I should understand and handle this situation, as I fear I have only further proven myself to be the worst kind of gaijin. I am simply ignorant of social expectations and if I have caused offense, I would like to know the best way to fix it.

dcman2

You don't mention the city of the host family, or your planned itinerary. Maybe it would be convenient if you just spend a small number of days staying in their city, and the rest of the time in other cities in Japan?

The family lives outside of Tokyo, technically Shinjuku I believe.

We never intended to stay with them at all to be honest, we like them a great deal but I never wanted to intrude. We intended to spend most of our time during the week touring the country but I had hoped to devote at least some of our two weekends there to getting our girls together, who are close friends. We were honored by their offer for us to stay with them the entire time and debated whether to tell them our intentions for fear of offending them, but eventually I expressed my fears of intruding and indicated we hoped to visit on weekends and tour the rest of the time, which is when they indicated that weekends would be easier for them despite their original offer. I had considered the situation resolved, until my friend's comment, which is when I got to worrying. I haven't heard from the family in around a month and hadn't thought much of it as I know they are self-conscious about their English (which is actually quite good, they lived in the U.S. for 6 years), but then wondered if perhaps I had offended them. My main concern is that I may have.

dcman2

Shinjuku is one of the 23 wards that make up Tokyo so it is very much within the city.

ROFL. No offense but that's like saying Manhattan is not part of New York City.

Stay with them as long or as short as you like. It'll be fun and don't worry about the etiquette.

The family could be located on the far fringes of Shinjuku - say, Nishi-Ochiai. If so, then the description "outside of Tokyo" might not be an unreasonable way to set a realistic expectation.

Nishi-Ochiai is on the fringes of Tokyo?

Not in my book. To any Western visitor, it will look like every other urban residential district.

When I think of the "fringes of Tokyo," I think of Okutama.

I think of the Ogasawara islands!

I think of Okinotorishima.

I live in Roppongi. For me, there are 3 wards to Tokyo. Shibuya and Shinjuku still have applications pending. :-) The rest are all inaka for intents and purposes.

To the OP: A Japanese family will offer courtesy to those they wish to show respect and friendship. Not staying with them is by no means an affront, but good form in Japan dictates a small white lie such as hotel is prepaid or similar so as to make everyone feel the extended offer was amazing but quite impossible to accept.

If you do not or cannot stay with them for a day or two (which may be an amazing cultural experience by the way), invite them to meet you for a meal and when they insist on paying make a big fuss abut sharing the bill but concede at the end and they will feel they have done their bit.

No. It's on the fringes of Shinjuku ku (which is exactly what I wrote). If you don't believe it, please look at a map.

I'm not sure what point you're making, but it has nothing to do with the point I was making, which is as follows: If one invited a foreign friend to visit one's home in a residential area on the west of town, I can completely understand why one might choose to describe the area as "outside Tokyo" to avoid giving the impression that the house is in the high-density, high-rise neighborhoods that said foreigner might associate with "Tokyo".

It's like saying that Queens is "just outside New York." It isn't, but there is some distance and difference between it and what visitors would think of when they think of "New York."

I think of the Senkakus. Long live The Ish! :p

Thanks for everyone's responses. I especially appreciated the insight into how hospitality is understood and expected in Japan.

mjm - We do hope to stay with them for some of the time and are very much looking forward to the experience of staying with a Japanese family. I expect it will be one of the highlights of our trip. The information about small white lies to is something I will keep in mind. I in no way want to offend them, and a reminder about how to interact so everyone saves face is helpful.

dcman2

:-) If and when you have further questions here or via PM anytime is great.