valve bouncer

If I could pick out one bit of advice that succinctly sums up not only this situation but virtually any situation you may encounter in Japan, it's this.

JRinJapan

I'm sorry for your loss.

Kudos for everyone's posts thus far.
Very insightful and thoughtful.

Though Canadian, I've been living and working in Japan for 13 years now, and since my wife is Japanese, I've attended a number of funerals or death anniversary ceremonies of both relatives and business associates.

So, may I offer a few tips based on these assumptions:
I'm guessing from your posts that you are not in Japan, but will be at some point in the future, and will visit both the workplace and home of the deceased.

1) You mention the company you work for, so if you are in a position to approve or request the use of company funds, money is the correct gift to present - with all the earlier provisos about the notes being clean, avoiding combinations of 4, ensuring the amount represents the depth of your business relationship, placing it in the proper funerary envelope, etc. This can be done in person when you next visit Japan. It is true that these monetary gifts are usually presented at the funeral, but given the international nature of the relationship, any gift will be seen as touching and thoughtful, and not as being late.

2) Sitting "seiza" [knees tucked under] - if possible - while offering the incense and a moment of silent reflection while seeing the deceased's photo is key to showing respect for the deceased and family at the family's altar located inside their reception room - which might be their everyday living room or their seldom used "traditional" tatami-matted room. IME it is always 3 incense sticks that are lit and lain on their side in a long, ceramic incense holder.

3) It is fine to speak of the deceased with her survivors - what her good qualities were and something personal you remember of her.

4) Unless you are very familiar with what the deceased's favourite drink or food was, I'd hold off bringing that type of offering. Often one finds family members regularly renew these offerings, but without that intimate knowledge, your gift might be accepted as just a regular omiyage [gift] from abroad.

It is especially moving to see as an offering for a deceased child his/her favourite toy, food or drink, even many years after the death - they remain forever at that age. I have 2 young sons and it really gets to me...

Another observation is that the switch to turn on the cremation oven is turned on by the closest family member - they are forced to admit and accept the death in the most upfront of ways, even before the handling and preparing of the bones for burial.

As always, death and how we deal with it across cultures is a fascinating, if saddening, thing.

rts123

Thanks to everyone for the great information! I will certainly follow the advice of seeking out someone who is close to the situation. I have a good rapport with one of the non-family members in the office there and will ask her for some insight on paying our respects and the other things associated with this event.

We did hear from one of the family members on Friday and they expressed their appreciation for the card we sent and the flowers we had a mutual associate over there arrange for the service. We were sent a photo taken at the funeral home and I noticed that all the flower arrangements were identical, with a wooden sign noting the contributor of each, which I assume is standard practice. Someone from my office will be in Japan this week on business and will meet with the family.

There are happier ways to learn more about Japanese culture, but this has been an interesting introduction to something common to all cultures. Thanks again for all the help.

ds7469ls

I just returned from a visit with my Japanese friend in Hachinohe. While we were walking on a local beach, my granddaughter found a small, flat, oblong, smooth stone with kanji on both sides. It was in the edge of the water. When she showed it to my Japanese friend, she said "OH, you must put it back. It's for a dead person". I have read nothing in my studies about this custom. Could you enlighten me about this?

whkento

While I don't have much to add, I'd like to say, "What excellent advice from everyone."

The only possible thing I could add is that at my mother-in-law's house, it is the custom to sit (in seiza) at the family shrine, ring a bell located in front of it, then put your hands together in front of you (steeple style, not clasped) and offer a short, silent prayer. We do this every time we visit the house (a couple of times a week) to show respect to my wife's father (whose bones are in the shrine).

LapLap

That's interesting, I'd never heard of the bones of a relative being kept permanently in the family butsudan. My impression is that it was the ihai (an engraved tablet, a bit more elaborate than the rudimentary stone ds7469ls has asked about) that carried the essence of the people in those butsudan I've paid my respects at. Then again, these shrines are maintained in addition to family graves.
Since graves are becoming increasingly expensive and difficult to get - or get to - for city dwellers, perhaps there are lots of families keeping the remains rather than transferring them.

whkento

Well, I could have been mistaken about the bones, but I believe my wife told me they have some in each of three locations, including the butsudan at home. The rest are in a temple in Kyoto and in Nagasaki (where he was from originally). I wouldn't really say that my in-laws follow all traditions exactly to the letter, however. They tend to interpret them in whichever way suits them best. I consider that a good thing. Heck, if they weren't that way, they'd never had let my wife marry me.