FlyerTalk Forums - 1000 post club!

This is my 1000th post. <boo boo hiss hiss> But it's my 1000th post!!!

- HobokenFlyer

P.S. The Monty Python reference is from a Monty Python TV show skit, where Terry Gilliam gets on camera and speaks, "This is my only line", off screen people boo and his and he continues, "but, it's my only line". Which now, technically it isn't and I guess that's the joke.

Also, Terry Gilliam hardly had lines in the show and mostly did the wacky cutout animation. However, they continued the gag through the series about "this is my only line" where a newly married couple (still in tux and white wedding gown) go to a London Dept. Store to buy a bed. The sales staff are very strange that they exagerate number and such. They get to point in the sketch where one salesman cannot hear the word, "mattress", unfortunately, he is the mattress salesman. Well, they say mattress and he puts a bag over his head and the only way to get the bag off his head is to stand in the "tea chest" and sing songs. Well, after this is done once, Carol Cleveland, who played the bride, says her only line which is, "we want mattress" and the salesman puts the bag over his head and everybody screams at her WHY WHY and she cries, "But it's my only line".

Anyway, moving on.... :D

CAPTION: 'AN ART CRITIC'
He sees the camera and starts guiltily.
Art Critic Good evening. I'd like to talk to you tonight about the place of the nude in my bed ... um ... in the history of my bed ... of art, of art, I'm sorry. The place of the nude in the history of tart... call-girl... I'm sorry. I'll start again... Bum ... oh what a giveaway. The place of the nude in art. (a seductively dressed girl enters slinkily) Oh hello there father, er confessor, professor, your honour, your grace ...
Girl
(Katya Wyeth) (cutely) I'm not your Grace, I'm your Elsie.
Art Critic What a terrible joke!
Girl (crying) But it's my only line!
Cut to an idyllic countryside. Birds sing etc. as the camera starts a lyrical pan across the fields.
Voice Over (and SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION)
'BUT THERE LET US LEAVE THE ART CRITIC TO STRANGLE HIS WIFE AND MOVE ON TO PASTURES NEW'
After about ten seconds of mood setting the camera suddenly comes across the art critic strangling his wife in middle foreground. As the camera passes him he hums nervously and tries to look as though he isn't strangling anybody. The camera doesn't stop panning, and just as it goes off him we see him start strangling again. The pan carries on and catches up with a bridegroom carrying his bride across a field and finally arriving in a high street where, breathless and panting, he carries her through traffic and into a large department store. Finally cut to the furniture department of the store. The bridegroom and bride enter, he puts her down and addresses one of the assistants.
Groom We want to buy a bed, please.
Mr Lambert Og, certainly, I'll, I'll get someone to help you. (calling off) Mr Verity!
Mr Verity Can I help you, sir?
Groom Er yes. We'd like to buy a bed...a double bed...about fifty pounds?
Verity Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.
Groom Eight hundred pounds!
Lambert Or, er, perhaps I should have explained. Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate, so every figure he gives you will be ten times too high. Otherwise he's perfectly all right, perfectly ha, ha, ha.
Groom Oh I see. I see. (to Verity) So your cheapest bed then is eighty pounds?
Verity Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
Groom And how wide is it?
Verity Er, the width is, er, sixty feet wide.
Groom Oh... (laughing politely he mutters to wife) six foot wide, eh. And the length?
Verity The length is ... er ... (calls off) Lambert! What is the length of the Comfydown Majorette?
Lambert Er, two foot long.
Groom Two foot long?
Verity Ah yes, you have to remember of course, to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. Er, it's nothing he can help, you understand. Apart from that he's perfectly all right.
Groom I see, I'm sorry.
Verity But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot wide, it is in fact sixty foot wide.
Groom Oh, yes I see...
Verity And that's not counting the mattress.
Groom Oh, how much is that?
Verity Er, Mr Lambert will be able to help you there. (calls) Lambert! Will you show these twenty good people the, er, dog kennels, please?
Lambert Mm? Certainly.
Groom Dog kennel? No, no, no, mattresses, mattresses!
Verity Oh no, no you have to say dog kennel to Mr Lambert because if you say mattress he puts a bag over his head. I should have explained. Apart from that he's really all right.
They go to Lambert.
Groom Ah, hum, er we'd like to see the dog kennels please.
Lambert Dog kennels?
Groom Yes, we want to see the dog kennels.
Lambert Ah yes, well that's the pets' department. Second floor.
Groom Oh, no, no, we want to see the dog kennels.
Lambert Yes, pets department second floor.
Groom No, we don't really want to see dog kennels only your colleague said we ought to...
Lambert Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
Groom Well, he said we should say dog kennels instead of mattress.
Lambert puts bag over head
Groom (looking around) Oh dear. Hello?
Verity Did you say mattress?
Groom Well, a little yes.
Verity I did ask you not to say mattress, didn't I? Now I've got to stand in the tea chest. (he gets in the chest and sings) 'And did those feet in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...'
The manager enters.
Manager Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?
Manager and Verity continue to sing. Lambert takes bag off head, manager exits after pointing a warning finger at bride and groom.
Verity (Getting out of chest) He should be all right now, but don't, you know...don't! (exits)
Groom Oh, no, no, no. er,, we'd like to see, see the dog kennels please?
Lambert Yes, second floor.
Groom No, no, look these (pointing) dog kennels here, see?
Lambert Mattresses?
Groom Oh (jumps)...yes.
Lambert Well, if you meant mattress, why dodn't you say a mattress? I mean, it's very confusing for me if you go and say dog kennels when you mean mattress. Why not just say mattress?
Groom Well, I mean you put a bag over your head last time I said mattress.
Bag goes on. Groom looks around guiltily. Verity walks in. Verity heaves a sigh, jumps in box. Manager comes in and joins him, they sing 'And did those feet...'. Another assistant comes in.
Assistant Did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?
Verity Twice.
Assistant Hey, everybody, somebody said mattress to Mr Lambert, twice.
Assistant, groom and bride join in the therapy.
Verity It's not working. We need more!
Cut to crowd in St. Peter's Square singing 'Jerusalem'.
Cut to department store. Lambert takes the bag off his head and looks at groom and bride.
Lambert Now, er, can I help you?
Bride We want a mattress.
Lambert immediately puts bag back on head.
All Oh. What did you say that for? What did you say that for?
Bride (weeping) But it's my only line!
All Well, you didn't have to say it.