FlyerTalk Forums - happy Australia day

BlondeBombers reference to my 'bovine' role here in Melbourne can be found at

http://www.theage.com.au/sport/2002/...XIOEJKQWC.html :

Sacre moo! It's a case of bovine intervention

By PETER HANLON
AUSTRALIAN OPEN DIARY
Wednesday 23 January 2002

When two of the longest-serving and most respected tennis writers in the world, the Boston Globe's Bud Collins and Daily Telegraph's John Parsons, are appalled by the, shall we say, commitment of the security at this year's Open, it's time some questions were asked. Which is a lot easier than getting some answers.

The pair was courtside on Monday when a Roger Federer fan had his cowbell confiscated for ringing it during an ends change. A smaller handbell was produced, to the great amusement of the crowd, but this was also spirited away by the arbiters of good and evil.

"I could imagine this sort of thing happening in England, but not Australia," Parsons said yesterday.

Our Swiss friend was removed from his seat for a lecture on Melbourne Park supporter guidelines, but in a masterstroke of improvisation returned to voice his support for the remainder of the match - by mooing like a cow.

A scan of the banned substances list for tennis goers failed to uncover any reference to cowbells, with officials grouping them somewhere between musical instruments and "things that could be annoying to other patrons", an area with limitless possibilities in a tennis crowd. Further prodding was met with a response of "we're not allowed to comment on security".

The diary then approached several security guards around the grounds and found that they were also tongue-tied, most reacting by staring at their shoes and muttering incoherently. The most important yellow shirt approached, a supervisor, was reluctant even to shake hands.

Having been raised to always use the name of the person you are addressing, this added an element of challenge to the conversation. But as she had studied the security guard's bible Be A Better Bouncer, which includes a chapter on "Protecting your name badge under fire", a proper introduction was out of the question.

We pressed on, asking how many cowbells had been found yesterday morning. "I'm sorry, we can't make any comment on anything." Nothing? "No." Not even who you think will win the tournament? What you think of the weather? Australia's immigration policy? How long the Waugh twins have left?

As the formulation of conspiracy theories is not yet punishable by eviction from the grounds by jack-booted types in yellow shirts, there was speculation yesterday about Lleyton Hewitt and his friend Kim Clijsters, who are set to enjoy an unexpected break from the circuit.

Clijsters admitted after her fourth-round win on Monday night that persistent arm soreness would force her to take a few weeks off once her commitments here were through, raising all manner of possibilities for the pair, with Hewitt still convalescing after a New Year bout of chickenpox.

The young lovers could scoot down to Glenelg for an afternoon at the Magic Mountain water slides, kick back in Rundle Mall with a pie floater, or just stay in and watch Lleyton's collection of Crows videos.

We tried to get a comment from security as to other holiday options for the happy couple, but strangely enough they weren't allowed to say.