Potential BA Announcements (SATIRE)
Sep 27, 2017, 2:35 pm
#1
Original Poster
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: London
Programs: BA Gold (OneWorld Emerald)
Posts: 218
Potential BA Announcements (SATIRE)
I have just been talking in some detail to a member of BA management who wishes to remain anonymous. They showed me the following provisional announcements which BA are considering making in the coming weeks. Very interested to get people’s thoughts on these. 
Exciting Changes at BA
Following extensive customer feedback, we are pleased to announce the following changes which we hope will be welcomed by our customers, particularly in these challenging commercial times.
1. Crew
Following extensive discussions with the leadership of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, we are pleased to announce a groundbreaking outsource deal which will see our IT staff, ground crew, contact centre staff and cabin crew directly employed by the authorities of the DPRK from mid-2018. We believe this will massively enhance our service offering and offer the best possible value. Crew will benefit from one day paid vacation per year and those who meet annual targets will only be required to attend 25 re-education days the following year as opposed to the usual 56.
2. Lounges
It has been clear for a long time that our lounges, particularly at Heathrow T5, have become overcrowded. We do not believe that this is fair to our passengers and have therefore taken the decision that the best remedy for this is to close all lounges with immediate effect. We hope that customers will enjoy this new benefit.
3.Inflight catering
Following the universal acclaim the launch of our revolutionary buy-on-board partnership with M&S received, we have reviewed the offerings across our travel classes and are pleased to announce the following enhancements, which we are excited to say that, in a first for BA, will be rolled out overnight on all routes.
Passengers in World Traveller will enjoy a free Pot Noodle on all flights over 7 hours. Hot water will also be provided on a complimentary basis at select times of the day. A choice of two flavours will be available, offal and tofu, and we are delighted to be working in partnership with this much loved British brand. We apologise if your first choice is unavailable. Complimentary still water (including legionella) from our on-board tanks will be offered during the flight.
Passengers in World Traveller Plus will benefit from a complimentary Pot Noodle with hot water on ALL flights, regardless of duration, as well as a bottle of still water, all served on individually designed, apparently non-carcinogenic plastic and accompanied by a small sachet of tomato ketchup (which doubles as in flight entertainment as it will take at least 3 hours to open it).
Club Europe: We realise the importance of consistency in our premium offering and are therefore ensuring that regardless of flight destination or duration, all passengers will know exactly what to expect when travelling in business class. For Club Europe flights a choice of two curries, cat and donkey, will be available, served with rice, a bowl of which will be our vegetarian option. Dessert will be a bunch of grapes with seeds included. Club World passengers will enjoy the same options as above, with the additional choice of a warm rubber tyre served with a salad garnish. We would like to reassure customers that this will taste the same as our current Club World steak offering, but offer far more commercial and nutritional value. On longer Club World flights, a single Cadburys chocolate button will be offered as a light snack prior to landing. A full bar service will be available, but we cannot guarantee that it will be loaded on your flight.
First Class will continue to offer the highest level of service. We know our First passengers like something sparkling to drink, so sparkling water will be available on all services alongside a full bar serving brands of alcohol you've never heard of and which we advise you not to drink if you are planning to drive at any time in the subsequent month.
When it comes to food, we believe that our First Class catering should reflect the cultural diversity and international make-up of British society and will therefore be offering a revolutionary ‘bring on board’ service. All First Class passengers will be offered a voucher to be used in the terminal prior to boarding, which can be redeemed for international cuisine at select establishments, namely Pizza Hut, KFC or McDonalds, which can then be brought on board the aircraft. We unfortunately cannot guarantee that your departure airport will offer any or all of these outlets.
We look forward to seeing you on board soon.
I love you really BA 
Exciting Changes at BA
Following extensive customer feedback, we are pleased to announce the following changes which we hope will be welcomed by our customers, particularly in these challenging commercial times.
1. Crew
Following extensive discussions with the leadership of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, we are pleased to announce a groundbreaking outsource deal which will see our IT staff, ground crew, contact centre staff and cabin crew directly employed by the authorities of the DPRK from mid-2018. We believe this will massively enhance our service offering and offer the best possible value. Crew will benefit from one day paid vacation per year and those who meet annual targets will only be required to attend 25 re-education days the following year as opposed to the usual 56.
2. Lounges
It has been clear for a long time that our lounges, particularly at Heathrow T5, have become overcrowded. We do not believe that this is fair to our passengers and have therefore taken the decision that the best remedy for this is to close all lounges with immediate effect. We hope that customers will enjoy this new benefit.
3.Inflight catering
Following the universal acclaim the launch of our revolutionary buy-on-board partnership with M&S received, we have reviewed the offerings across our travel classes and are pleased to announce the following enhancements, which we are excited to say that, in a first for BA, will be rolled out overnight on all routes.
Passengers in World Traveller will enjoy a free Pot Noodle on all flights over 7 hours. Hot water will also be provided on a complimentary basis at select times of the day. A choice of two flavours will be available, offal and tofu, and we are delighted to be working in partnership with this much loved British brand. We apologise if your first choice is unavailable. Complimentary still water (including legionella) from our on-board tanks will be offered during the flight.
Passengers in World Traveller Plus will benefit from a complimentary Pot Noodle with hot water on ALL flights, regardless of duration, as well as a bottle of still water, all served on individually designed, apparently non-carcinogenic plastic and accompanied by a small sachet of tomato ketchup (which doubles as in flight entertainment as it will take at least 3 hours to open it).
Club Europe: We realise the importance of consistency in our premium offering and are therefore ensuring that regardless of flight destination or duration, all passengers will know exactly what to expect when travelling in business class. For Club Europe flights a choice of two curries, cat and donkey, will be available, served with rice, a bowl of which will be our vegetarian option. Dessert will be a bunch of grapes with seeds included. Club World passengers will enjoy the same options as above, with the additional choice of a warm rubber tyre served with a salad garnish. We would like to reassure customers that this will taste the same as our current Club World steak offering, but offer far more commercial and nutritional value. On longer Club World flights, a single Cadburys chocolate button will be offered as a light snack prior to landing. A full bar service will be available, but we cannot guarantee that it will be loaded on your flight.
First Class will continue to offer the highest level of service. We know our First passengers like something sparkling to drink, so sparkling water will be available on all services alongside a full bar serving brands of alcohol you've never heard of and which we advise you not to drink if you are planning to drive at any time in the subsequent month.
When it comes to food, we believe that our First Class catering should reflect the cultural diversity and international make-up of British society and will therefore be offering a revolutionary ‘bring on board’ service. All First Class passengers will be offered a voucher to be used in the terminal prior to boarding, which can be redeemed for international cuisine at select establishments, namely Pizza Hut, KFC or McDonalds, which can then be brought on board the aircraft. We unfortunately cannot guarantee that your departure airport will offer any or all of these outlets.
We look forward to seeing you on board soon.
I love you really BA
Sep 27, 2017, 3:13 pm
#6
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Provincie Antwerpen, Vlaanderen, België
Programs: MUCCI Gold
Posts: 2,512
Offal sounds particularly generous for WT passengers. Admittedly I know that this won't involve actual offal, but an interesting concoction of MSG and various E-numbers. Even so, the largesse is most impressive.
Good show, BA.
Good show, BA.