TFTG: OT - Overdue - and OTT The Return of Jewel and Bunny (yes you read right!)
Mar 18, 2011, 6:13 am
#1
Fontaine d'honneur du Flyertalk
Original Poster
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Morbihan, France
Programs: Reine des Muccis de Pucci; Foreign Elitist (according to others)
Posts: 19,175
TFTG: OT - Overdue - and OTT The Return of Jewel and Bunny (yes you read right!)
This has been a while in the typing. You will see why. I talk to other CSD and crew and for some reason I feel that I attract every lunatic who bought a BA ticket. As usual it takes place in that padded cell the First cabin. For those of you who think that I have a Glamour Job please read this. Mods please tweak or correct anything that is too shocking as I really felt after this flight that my ears needed syringing after the stream of filth - and frankly it is a wonder no one sued us when I think about it.
Who said that lightning never strikes twice?
It is not often that I have ever written a TFTG about the same people on two different flights – or should I say that I have had the same person making an exhibition of themselves on two different flights. However I am sure that when some of you saw this title you thought – God! No! Not again. Well the tale begins in Dubai where we were waiting for our passengers and I heard her before I saw her – or should I say before she saw me. I thought that I might be hearing things. The voice that resembled that of a drunken sailor crossed with Marianne Faithfull made my ears prick up like a coyote. It was late – or very early in the morning whichever way you look at it. Suffice to say it was a time when good folk should be in their beds and I was longing for mine and I still had a desert and a sea to cross.
"Oh What I do to keep myself in tights and make-up!" thought I
Jewel is quite petite and thus I missed her among the throng I jest heard this voice say whilst apparently sobbing
“ I don’t want to go f***ing home I want to stay here and I want to go back and deal with that lying thieving b*stard in that h*tel that calls himself a f***ing hairdresser. Look at me he’s b*ggered it all up”
And there she was. She was not having a bad hair day – she had clearly had had ahead on collision with a blow dryer. Her hair looked like Marie Antionette met Lady Gaga. There was just so much of it and it was terribly bottle black and terribly air swept. This was not big hair – this was the Towering Coiffeurno. Somebody – and Jewel was clearly of the same opinion – had a lot to answer for. The was topped with a jade coloured green blouse and a bright orange skirt and Blue Louboutin shoes. Her knickers were cerise. We did not see those until later. She was a rainbow. The uncharitable would say that this was mutton dressed as mutton and that the last time that she had seen 60 was on a boarding pass.
Our eyes met and she smiled from the eyes down. She had sighted a known foe; she was not on safe territory.
I heard her mutter something to the effect
“That’s that nasty cow we had once before”
“Good Evening Sir – Good Evening Madam” I intoned “Welcome Aboard”
Never in my flying career had I told such a lie. If fibs put little pimples on your tongue as Mother said, my mouth would be a mass of raging ulcers
The First Purser greeted them and escorted her to 2A and K – they were not together. This was not good. The only means of controlling her was the other side of the cabin. Every time she made any movement she went “Uhhh” in a most dramatic fashion as though the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Apparently Bunny had attempted an Economy drive by booking them into CW but she was having none of it – which was probably as well as the maximum passengers she could drive insane in F was 14 whereas if she had been let loose down the back.
Did you hear me?” said Jewel (the back galley probably had never mind Bunny beside her)
“Be quiet Woman” said Bunny. “She’s doing her job”
“She’s doing my head” replied Jewel “I don’t like her – I don’t want to be here and I wanted the flight later on. Why are we on this one at this f**king time of day”
Fortunately there was no one else to listen to her at that stage – Bunny had got her out of the Lounge to do some shopping.
The F Purser came back and said
“Who in the name of God is she? Friend of your?”
“A passenger” said I” and yes I know her and I should have spotted her earlier and rung in sick!”
“Blimey” said he “like that is she? OK we’ll keep an eye”
Bunny stowed their hand luggage. Well I should say “his” hand luggage - she carried nothing but a yellow Louis Vuiton (I know the real thing) handbag.
She was offered the regular choice of drinks and she chose Champagne
“Glug Glug” said she.
She asked for some more
“Down the hatch” said she
She went over and helped herself to Bunny’s
“Bottoms up” Said she
She then fell asleep – well passed out. Somehow she had figured out how to do her belt up as that was the only time that she did belt up during boarding she had moaned and muttered on the subject of Dubai in general and the hairdresser in particular.
She inquired – and this is a first even for First– if we had Carmen Heated Rollers on board. We do not carry this item (does anyone?)
We got off to London and still she slept and we thought that maybe it would be quiet after all. We got the drinks out and most people went on sleeping.
Jewel awoke somewhere over Egypt (I think) and took it into her head that she would try on her pyjamas. She clearly thought that it was unnecessary to trouble herself going to the toilet so decided to change in the middle of the cabin. Fortunately before she removed her knickers but after she had removed her bra and stood topless in the cabin rather like a milch cow her befuddled and permanently pickled brain caught on that she could not locate her handbag.
She started searching in increasing desperation for this bag and got desperate as she did. She was getting most agitated as she climbed with remarkable agility onto the arm of her seat and got the bin open she flapped out and stared shouting
“Bunny Bunny! Where’s my f***ing (I do apologise this is reported speech) handbag. Oh C***t AlmightyI’ve left it in the f*cking shop. Bunny! Bunnny BUNNY! “
By this time the Purser was in the cabin as she started to climb over Bunny to get at the locker. She trod on his testacles (my word not his but I am uncertain if the word he and she used ends CKS or X) and he yelled blue murder. I cannot possibly repeat what he called her. She somehow leapt down and climbed on the extremely stout Arabic gentleman who was in 3K. He was in full robes and she managed to tread on his most valued possessions as well. He awoke and probably thought that a demon from the sands had risen to confront him. The cabin was in turmoil as this lunatic scrambled screaming and swearing at John’s failure to monitor the passage of her handbag. By this stage half the crew were in there as it appeared that bedlam had let loose – one sharp young cookie went and thought that it might be worth looking properly around Jewel’s seat. By this stage Bunny, the Stout Arabic gentleman and Jewel were all carrying on alarmingly when a voice pierced the racket. Jewel resembled a cross between one of the Furies and a Banshee. Bear in mind her pendulous chest which swung so much that it is a wonder no one was concussed.
“Is this your bag, Madam?”
Silence broke. Jewel who was hysteria taken flesh grasped the crew member to her and hugged the crew member who was old enough to be her grandson.
By this time I arrived and surveyed the scene. My first reaction was to want to howl "Why Me? What have I done to deserve this?"
“Woman – put your bl**dy clothes on” ordered Bunny
“Madam” said I “you know and I know that this is not the first time that you and I have had to discuss your conduct in flight. You clearly recognised me when you boarded. I suggest that now you and your property have been reunited that you sit in your seat, watch a film, or do whatever you wish until it is time to get off when we reach London”
Bunny apologised for her language and "eccentricities of conduct". She had attended a Finishing School and came back with the sort of vocabulary more suited to a Stevedore’s convention. I knew that I had heard this before. She apparently had fallen foul of the police after a lunch time “drinkie” resulted in her reeling drunk down Climping High Street (is there one?). She gave a policewoman a piece of what passed for her mind and was arrested for Drunk and Disorderly her pains. I suppose given that track record, we got off quite lightly. Fortunately we had few British people in the cabin to be outraged by her language. They were more scandalised at the sight never mind the sound. I felt sorry for them. Imagine the only time a woman starts bouncing half naked in front of you in the middle of the night and it is turns up being like a Gargoyle in drag. It would be as if I had a Kissogram and found it being delivered by Gordon Brown.
A voice the other side of the cabim galvanised us all
“I want some duty free” said Jewel.
I organised what she wanted and that turned out to be a rather nice man’s watch and Gucci Eau de Cologne which she insisted on giving to the crewmember who had found her bag (It had never been lost in the first place). He served her “water which were actually gin and tonics ( she swore to Bunny that they were water ). She continued her water diet until we arrived in London.
The stout Arabic gentleman required some ice as he was somewhat swollen in a rather tender area for gentlemen. He was extremely gracious about the whole thing – and said that “one of his Mothers in Law was also taken by strange notions”. She did manage to eat a full English. She made some remark about her sausage and the size of Bunny’s – and it was not pink .
We landed on a pouring wet day and taxied to a remote stand. Jewel went down the stairs screeching about the rain. She was unsuitable dressed for any climate let alone the British Climate in winter.
I watched her board the bus and thought that was the last of it – until the F Purser came rushing up with her handbag. I ran down the stairs and got on the bus and gave it back to her. She thanked me and immediately checked the contents.
As I left the bus I heard something – I might be mistaken but I got the distinct impression that she was informing Bunny that she didn’t trust that thieving old cow. I was minded to say that it took one to know one but decided that with a long walk up the stairs it was only an hour to get home and the chances of running into her a third time were mercifully slim.
Or is it? She did at one stage threaten to patronise Swiss with her custom. Could we be that lucky?
I just realised that I did not put TFTG - I am unable to add that to the title. Sorry! But you know what it was anyway!
Who said that lightning never strikes twice?
It is not often that I have ever written a TFTG about the same people on two different flights – or should I say that I have had the same person making an exhibition of themselves on two different flights. However I am sure that when some of you saw this title you thought – God! No! Not again. Well the tale begins in Dubai where we were waiting for our passengers and I heard her before I saw her – or should I say before she saw me. I thought that I might be hearing things. The voice that resembled that of a drunken sailor crossed with Marianne Faithfull made my ears prick up like a coyote. It was late – or very early in the morning whichever way you look at it. Suffice to say it was a time when good folk should be in their beds and I was longing for mine and I still had a desert and a sea to cross.
"Oh What I do to keep myself in tights and make-up!" thought I
Jewel is quite petite and thus I missed her among the throng I jest heard this voice say whilst apparently sobbing
“ I don’t want to go f***ing home I want to stay here and I want to go back and deal with that lying thieving b*stard in that h*tel that calls himself a f***ing hairdresser. Look at me he’s b*ggered it all up”
And there she was. She was not having a bad hair day – she had clearly had had ahead on collision with a blow dryer. Her hair looked like Marie Antionette met Lady Gaga. There was just so much of it and it was terribly bottle black and terribly air swept. This was not big hair – this was the Towering Coiffeurno. Somebody – and Jewel was clearly of the same opinion – had a lot to answer for. The was topped with a jade coloured green blouse and a bright orange skirt and Blue Louboutin shoes. Her knickers were cerise. We did not see those until later. She was a rainbow. The uncharitable would say that this was mutton dressed as mutton and that the last time that she had seen 60 was on a boarding pass.
Our eyes met and she smiled from the eyes down. She had sighted a known foe; she was not on safe territory.
I heard her mutter something to the effect
“That’s that nasty cow we had once before”
“Good Evening Sir – Good Evening Madam” I intoned “Welcome Aboard”
Never in my flying career had I told such a lie. If fibs put little pimples on your tongue as Mother said, my mouth would be a mass of raging ulcers
The First Purser greeted them and escorted her to 2A and K – they were not together. This was not good. The only means of controlling her was the other side of the cabin. Every time she made any movement she went “Uhhh” in a most dramatic fashion as though the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Apparently Bunny had attempted an Economy drive by booking them into CW but she was having none of it – which was probably as well as the maximum passengers she could drive insane in F was 14 whereas if she had been let loose down the back.
Did you hear me?” said Jewel (the back galley probably had never mind Bunny beside her)
“Be quiet Woman” said Bunny. “She’s doing her job”
“She’s doing my head” replied Jewel “I don’t like her – I don’t want to be here and I wanted the flight later on. Why are we on this one at this f**king time of day”
Fortunately there was no one else to listen to her at that stage – Bunny had got her out of the Lounge to do some shopping.
The F Purser came back and said
“Who in the name of God is she? Friend of your?”
“A passenger” said I” and yes I know her and I should have spotted her earlier and rung in sick!”
“Blimey” said he “like that is she? OK we’ll keep an eye”
Bunny stowed their hand luggage. Well I should say “his” hand luggage - she carried nothing but a yellow Louis Vuiton (I know the real thing) handbag.
She was offered the regular choice of drinks and she chose Champagne
“Glug Glug” said she.
She asked for some more
“Down the hatch” said she
She went over and helped herself to Bunny’s
“Bottoms up” Said she
She then fell asleep – well passed out. Somehow she had figured out how to do her belt up as that was the only time that she did belt up during boarding she had moaned and muttered on the subject of Dubai in general and the hairdresser in particular.
She inquired – and this is a first even for First– if we had Carmen Heated Rollers on board. We do not carry this item (does anyone?)
We got off to London and still she slept and we thought that maybe it would be quiet after all. We got the drinks out and most people went on sleeping.
Jewel awoke somewhere over Egypt (I think) and took it into her head that she would try on her pyjamas. She clearly thought that it was unnecessary to trouble herself going to the toilet so decided to change in the middle of the cabin. Fortunately before she removed her knickers but after she had removed her bra and stood topless in the cabin rather like a milch cow her befuddled and permanently pickled brain caught on that she could not locate her handbag.
She started searching in increasing desperation for this bag and got desperate as she did. She was getting most agitated as she climbed with remarkable agility onto the arm of her seat and got the bin open she flapped out and stared shouting
“Bunny Bunny! Where’s my f***ing (I do apologise this is reported speech) handbag. Oh C***t AlmightyI’ve left it in the f*cking shop. Bunny! Bunnny BUNNY! “
By this time the Purser was in the cabin as she started to climb over Bunny to get at the locker. She trod on his testacles (my word not his but I am uncertain if the word he and she used ends CKS or X) and he yelled blue murder. I cannot possibly repeat what he called her. She somehow leapt down and climbed on the extremely stout Arabic gentleman who was in 3K. He was in full robes and she managed to tread on his most valued possessions as well. He awoke and probably thought that a demon from the sands had risen to confront him. The cabin was in turmoil as this lunatic scrambled screaming and swearing at John’s failure to monitor the passage of her handbag. By this stage half the crew were in there as it appeared that bedlam had let loose – one sharp young cookie went and thought that it might be worth looking properly around Jewel’s seat. By this stage Bunny, the Stout Arabic gentleman and Jewel were all carrying on alarmingly when a voice pierced the racket. Jewel resembled a cross between one of the Furies and a Banshee. Bear in mind her pendulous chest which swung so much that it is a wonder no one was concussed.
“Is this your bag, Madam?”
Silence broke. Jewel who was hysteria taken flesh grasped the crew member to her and hugged the crew member who was old enough to be her grandson.
By this time I arrived and surveyed the scene. My first reaction was to want to howl "Why Me? What have I done to deserve this?"
“Woman – put your bl**dy clothes on” ordered Bunny
“Madam” said I “you know and I know that this is not the first time that you and I have had to discuss your conduct in flight. You clearly recognised me when you boarded. I suggest that now you and your property have been reunited that you sit in your seat, watch a film, or do whatever you wish until it is time to get off when we reach London”
Bunny apologised for her language and "eccentricities of conduct". She had attended a Finishing School and came back with the sort of vocabulary more suited to a Stevedore’s convention. I knew that I had heard this before. She apparently had fallen foul of the police after a lunch time “drinkie” resulted in her reeling drunk down Climping High Street (is there one?). She gave a policewoman a piece of what passed for her mind and was arrested for Drunk and Disorderly her pains. I suppose given that track record, we got off quite lightly. Fortunately we had few British people in the cabin to be outraged by her language. They were more scandalised at the sight never mind the sound. I felt sorry for them. Imagine the only time a woman starts bouncing half naked in front of you in the middle of the night and it is turns up being like a Gargoyle in drag. It would be as if I had a Kissogram and found it being delivered by Gordon Brown.
A voice the other side of the cabim galvanised us all
“I want some duty free” said Jewel.
I organised what she wanted and that turned out to be a rather nice man’s watch and Gucci Eau de Cologne which she insisted on giving to the crewmember who had found her bag (It had never been lost in the first place). He served her “water which were actually gin and tonics ( she swore to Bunny that they were water ). She continued her water diet until we arrived in London.
The stout Arabic gentleman required some ice as he was somewhat swollen in a rather tender area for gentlemen. He was extremely gracious about the whole thing – and said that “one of his Mothers in Law was also taken by strange notions”. She did manage to eat a full English. She made some remark about her sausage and the size of Bunny’s – and it was not pink .
We landed on a pouring wet day and taxied to a remote stand. Jewel went down the stairs screeching about the rain. She was unsuitable dressed for any climate let alone the British Climate in winter.
I watched her board the bus and thought that was the last of it – until the F Purser came rushing up with her handbag. I ran down the stairs and got on the bus and gave it back to her. She thanked me and immediately checked the contents.
As I left the bus I heard something – I might be mistaken but I got the distinct impression that she was informing Bunny that she didn’t trust that thieving old cow. I was minded to say that it took one to know one but decided that with a long walk up the stairs it was only an hour to get home and the chances of running into her a third time were mercifully slim.
Or is it? She did at one stage threaten to patronise Swiss with her custom. Could we be that lucky?
I just realised that I did not put TFTG - I am unable to add that to the title. Sorry! But you know what it was anyway!
Mar 18, 2011, 6:25 am
#2
FlyerTalk Evangelist
Join Date: May 2007
Programs: BA Gold
Posts: 12,046
Thanks for the TFTG PUCCI. ^
I would be surprised if the flight from DXB went over Egypt though. That is quite a way off route.
You work on the 777 right? So if Jewel and Bunny were in 2AK how could she compare her sausage with his?
I would be surprised if the flight from DXB went over Egypt though. That is quite a way off route.
You work on the 777 right? So if Jewel and Bunny were in 2AK how could she compare her sausage with his?
Mar 18, 2011, 6:26 am
#3
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Kent, UK
Programs: BA Gold, SPG Platinum, Marriott Platinum, Hilton Diamond
Posts: 3,809
What an absolute nightmare! I do hope that I never end up traveling with such a person. She basically ruined the flight for everyone in F as well as the crew.
Mar 18, 2011, 6:36 am
#7
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: London
Posts: 3,439
Very funny
- I remember the first one. Maybe you should have pinched their details from the passenger list, hacked into their accounts assuming they're BAEC mebers and then you could warn us when they're flying - better still if you're sheduled to operate the flight you can call in sick
.
- I remember the first one. Maybe you should have pinched their details from the passenger list, hacked into their accounts assuming they're BAEC mebers and then you could warn us when they're flying - better still if you're sheduled to operate the flight you can call in sick.
Mar 18, 2011, 6:50 am
#9
Community Director Emerita
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Anywhere warm
Posts: 33,745
For those who want the prequels:
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/briti...er-asylum.html
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/briti...long-last.html
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/briti...er-asylum.html
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/briti...long-last.html
Mar 18, 2011, 7:17 am
#10
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: London
Programs: BA Gold
Posts: 54
Extrodinary!
Out of interest, where would BA stand if another passenger in 1st made a complaint? I guess if I'd shelled out around 6K on a flight I'd be most upset to have it ruined like that.
Clearly not a lot BA could do about it but how would they react to a complaint from another valuable customer?
Out of interest, where would BA stand if another passenger in 1st made a complaint? I guess if I'd shelled out around 6K on a flight I'd be most upset to have it ruined like that.
Clearly not a lot BA could do about it but how would they react to a complaint from another valuable customer?
Mar 18, 2011, 7:22 am
#12
FlyerTalk Evangelist
Join Date: May 2007
Programs: BA Gold
Posts: 12,046
For those who want the prequels:
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/briti...er-asylum.html
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/briti...long-last.html
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/briti...er-asylum.html
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/briti...long-last.html
One exaple was that PUCCI mentions flying to the sunshine state in the first report, which is Florida by my understanding. But then in the second report she mentions landing in CAI.
Mar 18, 2011, 7:41 am
#14
Fontaine d'honneur du Flyertalk
Original Poster
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Morbihan, France
Programs: Reine des Muccis de Pucci; Foreign Elitist (according to others)
Posts: 19,175
In fact the Mother and Daughter incident took place on a MIA and that is where Jewel was bound. Sorry for the literary licence. I will also tell you that her name (and everyone else in the tales) is altered. The incidents occurred however.
I should tell you that two weeks ago the latest source for the TFTG School was born on a flight up from CPT. It involves small insects . That is if you still want one before I turn 10,000 and become an Evangelist. We then go to New Testament and leave the Old behind us. Maybe I will write a book one day, the truth is so much more interesting than fiction.
XXX
