nydave11

Air Krapistan Y class

As a fellow flying enthusiast I couldn’t resist getting a chance to try Air Krapistan’s coach service. I had enough points for a free ticket. The Poop Points program is not linked to any other points earning program. As Air Krapistan doesn’t have a website one has to go to the city ticket office to convert points. I had a really hard time finding the office as it is located in the back of a butcher shop. I brought the required 6 pieces of ID along with a medical certificate and a copy of my police report to the counter. A bored employee with several missing teeth and an eye patch helped me. At first he didn’t believe that one could get a free ticket, but I was able to convince him with several pages of printed material from the airline. This helped, but I think the 5 packs of Marlboro’s I gave him helped expedite the process. Though the ticket was free the taxes and fees had to be paid for in either hard currency or chickens. Since I had no chickens handy I opted for dollars. Air Krapistan requires that passengers be present at least 5 hours prior to departure. This seemed a bit extreme, but I soon found out why.

I joined a line of about 800 people outside the airport on my travel day. I was nervous about the 5 hour requirement, so I got to the airport with plenty of time. I waited with many Krapistani’s for whom this would be their first flight. Most were praying, some were rounding up the livestock that would be traveling with them. As the line approached the counter we were told not to look in the direction of the first class line as we were not worthy. After 2 hours of waiting I finally got to the counter. After presenting my ID and my criminal record I was given a boarding pass in the smoking section. I tried to change it, but was informed that all of coach is smoking. I would learn that this is a good thing as the thick haze of smoke cuts down on the smell of the Krapistani’s who aren’t very fond of bathing.

The security line moved rather quickly. Some of the animals were getting sent to secondary screening, but the human line wasn’t long. You are asked a series of questions before getting to the x ray machine. The toughest was “Name three funny Rob Schnider movies”. Thank God I remembered Demolition Man or I might still be standing there. After security we were herded to the holding pens. This is where the criminal record comes into play. Felons get to go to the front of the scrum so that the innocent aren’t injured when the pens open. I showed my record of 2 moving violations and the pen supervisor was not impressed. I lied and said that I ran over 3 people. That got me into the third row.

As the holding pen neared capacity a small door opened. All 1000 or so coach passengers tried our best to get thru at the same time. The felons in the front had a clear edge. I was able to hurdle a small calf and make my way to the door. Once thru I ran full speed towards the plane. I was one of the first 50 or so to run up the stairs to the plane, so I was able to get the second row of benches. Being in the front is important as the only restroom is in the back of the aircraft. You don’t want to be anywhere near there. Only one flight attendant was in the coach section. I wondered why she had a whip. My benchmates and I were 6 abreast on the left side of the plane. Coach is a 6x12x6 configuration, making it quite cozy. Pitch is a tight 28 inches. I helped a women stow 3 chickens into the overhead. That left 2 for her to hold for the duration of the flight. After the flight attendant had chained everyone in we were ready for takeoff. The captain came on and said that we needed to balance the load, so several sheep were moved to the other side of the plane. Before takeoff I glanced at the safety card taped to the back of the bench in front of me. It was rather simple with only one word. Run! Soon we were airborne.

More to follow........