FlyerTalk Forums - View Single Post - The 47,000 mile pre-christmas mileage run (report)
Old Dec 11, 2010, 3:50 pm
  #83  
colonius
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Victoria, BC
Programs: UA 1k, AA Exec Plt 2MM, HH Diamond, *wood Gold, disgruntled Amex Ex-Centurion
Posts: 584
SYD to SFO in purgatory, if not hell

When I arrived in SYD, I went to the SFO departure gate and checked if they were aware of my situation with the lost/stolen seat 45H and they promised to work on it, as soon as the flight to SFO would be out of the way. I went to the Koru Club.

At the club I had some lunch. Do you know the difference between penne pasta and a paint roller? If you ever dropped a single penne noodle, drenchend in sauce, on your shirt, you know that there really isn't one. That stupid piece of pasta rolled down my shirt just like a paint roller and left behind a lovely pattern of tomato sauce. A true accomplishment to cause that many stains with just one tiny noodle.

Anyway, after my lunch I truly felt ready for a shower and change of clothes. Got my towel from the service desk and found a shower room. Somebody claimed that cold showers are good for your circulation. Air New Zealand seems to be a firm believer in that theory. In any case, the hottest that shower got was about 20° (Celsius of course, in Fahrenheit that would be an ice cube dispenser!), even setting the contols to more than 50°C. Let us say that my shower was quick and VERY refreshing!

While I showered, I heard a page for me on the PA system. Feeling refreshed, I walked up to the service desk (I never saw the famous Annie) and got my new boarding pass. 33C on a full flight. Well, what could I do? I went to the gate zoo (a full 747 crowds just about any gate) and boarded my exit row aisle seat, that came with a few extra features:

Rapid Lavatory Access – I almost sat inside the freaking loo.
Unlimited tap water at your seat (the aisle is so narrow that you can reach the water dispenser on the outside of the lav unit without straining yourself)
free unlimited chances to get to know every fellow passenger in coach (they congregate in front of your seat)
chance to chat with a FA with a warm and comforting “you are low life coach cattle and I will not linger here more than 10 minutes before and after takeoff” attitude (there are 2 jump seats across from row 33, more later)

Unfortunately, United filled that row with three big & tall guys: me, the idiot “Good Samaritan”, lets call him Mr. 33B (I get to that later) in the middle seat and another guy in the cramped window seat. Mr. 33B is a “long torso” person (I prefer the German term “Sitzriese” which has no translation in English that I know of). So while his legs seemed to be shorter than mine, seated he was almost a head taller than I and actually shadowed out the reading light for my seat! He was also quite wide (and I am not exactly small either). Sufficient to say, it was miserable seating for all three.

During taxi and take-off, two flight attendants that seemed to work business class were seated in the jump seats opposite row 33. They left shortly after take-off, with one of them making a remark that at least he would be spared the back of the bus for the next 12+ hours. I felt so appreciated.

Shortly after take-off, the guy in the window seat decamps and goes for greener pastures. After Mr. 33B realizes that, he moves into that window seat. Great, I think. A free middle seat, this could be bearable after all! I even offer to switch aisle for window halfway during the flight, to share the disadvantage he took on himself in order to free up that middle seat.

About five minutes later, some seat poacher comes from the back and actually has the chutzpah to request that middle seat in order to have more legroom for himself. It actually took me a moment to react and to come up with my standard reply (“Only a flight attendant can re-seat you into an exit row, you cannot be seated here without being briefed by a flight attendant”), so Mr. 33C beat me to it. He said: “You know, this is actually my seat, you cannot have that”. Good, I thought, he has that under control. About two seconds later, Mr. 33C earns the title of “Idiot Samaritan” by actually getting up, reseating himself in the middle seat and telling the poacher: but you can have the window seat, the guy who had that moved. ...! I couldn't believe it. Mr. 33C had just made sure that he and me would be miserable, just to accommodate a seat poacher. And what a miserable that flight became.

33C is across from the lavatories and everybody congregates in front of you, bumping your shoulder, stepping onto your toes, knocking askew your laptop, etc. Also, the fine fragrance from those lavatories: a mixture of chemicals that must be illegal in several dozen countries, traces of aged manure not completely removed from the septic tanks, fresher human discharge products and the occasional open-door diaper change.

Also, the service was extremely “unobtrusive”. All the time from take-off to the beginning of the breakfast service, a period of about 11 hours, there was a total of three full beverage services (yes, you could get something from the galley if you didn't let the closed curtain discourage you). Also, after about the first four or five flight hours, flight attendants even stopped checking seat belts when the fasten seat belts sign came on. Isn't that a violation of FAA rules? The friendliest term I can find for the service on that day would be “unobtrusive”.

To round out the experience, United reached a new low on economy class food.

Dinner: the universal choice of chicken or pasta

The tray contained one small dish of salad, two tiny pots of dressing, a roll, some brownish cake, utensils and your entree.

The chicken consisted of tiny pieces of mystery meat, arguably chicken, with a generous portion of cartilage thrown in. Disgusting. United, please explain to your catering service in Sydney that you should remove more from a chicken than the feathers before shredding it! The sides were some beans, carrots and potatoes. Everything was completely bland and utterly flavourless. After adding the Italian dressing to the salad, the resulting flavour can only be described as mouldy. The dessert was sticky, sweet and flavourless.

The snack: a roll with cheap, flavourless bologna.

The breakfast: flavourless potatoes topped with a flavourless yellow mess (supposedly scrambled eggs) accompanied by flavourless potatoes and a bland sausage link. Everything served slightly above freezing (no kidding). While they finally managed to get me a luke-warm breakfast, it still remained disgusting.

United: you seem to have serious catering issues out of SYD, please do something about it

After 13 hours in purgatory, I finally arrived in SFO and proceeded to customs. It took a while to explain to the officer that I am a German living in Canada, travelling to Australia for no reason at all (at least as far as he could understand it), than travelling to Honolulu just to go on to Germany. After checking the 50+ US entry stamps in my passport, checking my UA reservation print-outs and his computer screen, he gave me a long, suffering look that said: insane, most definitely. Harmless, most probably. Stamp, Stamp - “Save Voyage. NEEEXT!”.

More to come soon. I am writing this from the ORD RCC club, one hour before the last long flight to MUC. The fatigue is finally getting to me. ORD is a zoo, btw – at least half the flights face some kind of weather-related delay.

Last edited by iluv2fly; Dec 11, 2010 at 4:47 pm Reason: language
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