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Worst Passenger of the Week: Powered by Red Bull and Vodka

Every Friday, FlyerTalk looks back at the week’s most charming individuals. While there are always plenty of contenders for our Worst Passenger of the Week award, only one lucky flyer can take home the glory. Here are this week’s winners.

Third Place – Where Do They Get Those Wonderful Toys?

Weapons discovered by TSA agents this week were not quite as cleverly disguised as the owners might have hoped. Not everyone can be a 007, but these passengers are going to have to try a little harder if they want to defeat airport security.

Smuggling a knife hidden in the handle of a comb is a lot more likely to be successful if the weapon in question isn’t sheathed in a case marked with the words “comb knife” in large print. Screeners at San Diego International Airport (SAN) were not at all surprised to find a comb knife in the clearly labeled package.

Meanwhile, a dagger hidden in a flashlight housing was no match for X-ray machines at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX). The homemade “slash-light” was confiscated by TSA agents before the nightmarish hidden blade could be carried onto a flight.

At LaGuardia Airport (LGA), screeners found a razor blade carefully concealed under the insole of a passenger’s shoe. Once again, a very foreseeable scan of the passenger’s shoes easily revealed the ill-conceived hiding spot.

TSA screeners weren’t just busy interdicting not-quite-MacGyver-worthy-shivs over the past few days. Agents also discovered a whopping 70 firearms in passengers’ carry-on items at airports across the US. Sixty of the guns were loaded at the time they were found. At Arnold Palmer Regional Airport (LBE), Fort Lauderdale–Hollywood International Airport (FLL) and SAN, replica hand-grenades were confiscated from other somewhat oblivious flyers.

The Runners-up – The Economy Class Pundits

In most any fight, there are two sides to the story. There is likely an instigator and a victim. Sometimes, there is even a clear-cut good guy and an obvious villain, but absolutely none of these things is likely to matter to someone whose sunny Puerto Vallarta vacation is being delayed by feuding passengers.

When two passengers on a United Airlines flight due to depart from San Francisco International Airport (SFO) to Licenciado Gustavo Díaz Ordaz International Airport (PVR) started to scuffle following a disagreement over the results of the US Presidential election, passengers on the plane from every part of the political spectrum were soon aligned in favor of a two-point plan for more sitting down and shutting up. The captain of the flight even delivered a short stump speech imploring bipartisanship for the duration of the three-and-a-half-hour-flight.

“[It’s not a good time to choose when] we’re gonna be in a metal tube at 30,000 feet to bring up politics,” the pilot implored over the public address system. “I understand everybody has their opinions; that’s fine. If you support him, great. If you don’t, I understand. However, we’re up here to go to Puerto Vallarta, supposed to be having a good time, and what I do ask is that as people we have the common decency to respect each other’s decisions and to get along. Nobody wants to argue, nobody’s gonna change their minds by arguing and let’s keep our opinions to ourselves on this particular matter at this particular time.”

Without taking sides, the captain lamented the lack of civility in public discourse, but made very clear that the time for debate was over for anyone who wished to remain on the flight to Mexico.

“When cooler heads prevail and we can talk and realize we’re all human beings and we all can stick together and we can all pull for this country in our own way, then that’s what we should do,” the captain concluded. “If there’s anybody that has a problem with this, that needs to vent or rant or rave, there’s another flight tomorrow. You’re not gonna be on this one. I hope that’s clear.”

The Winner – Icarus, Red Bull Wings Meet the Sun

An American Airlines flight from Cyril E King Airport (STT) in Saint Thomas to Charlotte Douglas International Airport (CLT) turned tense after a reportedly intoxicated passenger allegedly went on a violent rampage onboard. Authorities say a federal air marshal on the plane put an end to what appears to be a case of domestic violence.

Thirty-three-year-old Brandon David Bowlin is accused of slapping his girlfriend after consuming several shots of Red Bull and vodka at the airport prior to departure. The unnamed victim, identified only as JJ, told police that Bowlin became verbally abusive almost as soon as the pair boarded the flight.

“He told her to shut up, called her a whore and threatened to ‘slap her up’ to teach her a lesson,” according to an affidavit obtained by The Charlotte Observer. It wasn’t until other passengers told Bowlin to “put a cork in it” that the situation escalated to violence.

“Bowlin started hitting and squeezing JJ’s arms, thighs with his fists and with the palms of his hands,” according to the police documents. “Bowlin slapped JJ in the face with the back of his hand.”

The victim reportedly told officers who arrested Bowlin that he is a veteran who is medicated for PTSD. She added that he “is known to become paranoid when intoxicated.” A cocktail of equal parts vodka and Red Bull is simply known to most bartenders as “Liquid Cocaine.”

[Photo: Smoky Mountain Knife Works]

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