Worst Passenger of the Week: Bedtime for Bonzo

Every Friday, FlyerTalk looks back at the week’s most charming individuals. While there are always plenty of contenders for our Worst Passenger of the Week award, only one lucky flyer can take home the glory. Here are this week’s winners.

Honorable Mention – Paging Passenger I.P. Freely, Paging Passenger I.P. Freely

This week, an allegedly intoxicated passenger on an American Airlines flight from Chicago O’Hare International Airport (ORD) to Charlotte Douglas International Airport (CLT) is accused of inexplicably relieving herself on a carry-on bag belonging to a flight attendant. Police could not attribute a motive for the misplaced and damaging inflight urination.

Although the lavatories on American’s new 737 MAX aircraft are notoriously small and by some accounts nearly unusable, those planes are currently grounded – so inadequate onboard facilities is hardly a viable excuse for the bathroom mishap. The malicious pee-break is said to have soaked at least two bags, resulting in nearly $100 in property damage. When the plane landed, police were called to the messy scene, but sensibly referred the investigation to the federal officials.

This isn’t the first time a CLT-bound passenger put the “incontinent” in “intercontinental airport” – inconveniencing fellow air travelers with an unwelcome shower in the process. In April of 2016, a Worst Passenger of the Week earned his place in history by peeing on the floor of an American Airlines flight from San Francisco International Airport (SFO). In this case, the offending urinator didn’t even bother to get up from his seat, but simply pulled his pants down, arched his back and let loose.

Third Place – “I Will Smash Your Face In”

Anyone who is curious as to why their duty-free purchases are now sealed more securely than a biohazard sample on the way to the CDC, might glean some answers about the new precautions by following the news out of a Liverpool courtroom this week. Passenger Donika Browne entered a guilty plea to charges related to an alcohol-fueled rampage on a Barcelona–El Prat Airport (BCN) to Liverpool John Lennon Airport (LPL) EasyJet flight.

The 20-year-old student admitted to drinking an entire liter of duty-free vodka before fighting with her boyfriend and threatening a cabin crew member. The abusive behavior included throwing a Fanta at her travel companion and telling a flight attendant, “I will smash your face in.” Crew members say they attempted to separate the feuding couple after Browne’s boyfriend ended up with a bloody nose, but the troubled air traveler refused to change seats, instead, promising she would “flip and cause havoc,” if she was forced to move – a promise she apparently followed through in spades.

Browne told the judge that she did not recall the events that followed her drinking a bottle of vodka, but she agreed that her behavior “sounded bad.” She was later ordered to pay $215 in fines, restitution and court fees for her misdeeds.

The Runner-up – “He Flies With More Agility When Undressed”

A passenger’s unusual preflight routine this weekend caused a stir at Moscow Domodedovo Airport (DME). As he lined up to board his Ural Airlines, the odd air traveler stripped completely naked to the shock of bystanders, many of whom quickly snapped photographic evidence. It turns out the naked flyer was more than eager to explain the reasoning behind his outlandish behavior to whoever would listen.

“He shouted that he was naked because clothing impairs the aerodynamics of the body,” one eyewitness told reporters. “He flies with more agility when undressed.”

Of course, if the smooth traveler was truly worried about the aerodynamics and drag coefficient of his outerwear, then athletic gear utilizing spandex might have been a better choice than nudity (especially since the birthday suit travel outfit quickly landed the extraordinarily fuel-economy-conscious flyer in handcuffs). The unidentified passenger likely could have enjoyed similar drag-reducing results by simply shaving his head and enjoying the added benefit of being much less likely to attract police attention.

Remarkably, officials say alcohol does not appear to have been a factor in this latest airport performance. Rather than being hauled off to jail, the nude man was reportedly taken to the airport’s medical room before being transported to a hospital for evaluation.

The Winner – “We Are Still Investigating Where He Got The Baby Orangutan”

Man Arrested After Drugged Orangutan Is Found in Indonesian Airport: The animal was found sleeping in a basket. Officials say it was smuggled into the airport by a Russian tourist. pic.twitter.com/d8WpdynDZx

— FlaShBloG Live Entertainment © (@FlaShBloGLive) March 25, 2019

A Russian national’s unspeakable cruelty was met in kind by this week by officials in Indonesia. After Andrei Zhestkov was allegedly caught with a drugged baby orangutan in his suitcase at Bali Ngurah Rai International Airport (DPS), police officials decided the suspect was the one who should be put on display like a zoo animal.

At a press conference on Monday, Denpasar Police Chief Ruddi Setiawan brought the adorable two-year-old orangutan along with him to show that he was recovering nicely. He also had the orange-jumpsuit-clad, handcuffed suspect at his side as he answered reporters’ questions. While the young orangutan mugged for the cameras, the prisoner mostly stared at his feet and avoided eye contact.

“The suspect said that the baby orangutan was taken from Java to Bali,” the police chief told reporters. “We are still investigating where he got the baby orangutan.”

According to investigators, Zhestkov admitted to feeding the endangered animal allergy medication to keep it asleep during the journey home to Russia. Customs officials also discovered several geckos and lizards hidden in the accused exotic animal trafficker’s personal items.

Police say Zhestkov now faces up to five years behind bars for the disorganized smuggling attempt. Officials report the charges were compounded by the accused “deliberately using an inhumane method.”

“At first, we thought it was a monkey,” the airport’s Chief of Quarantine Dewa Delanata recalled of the unusual discovery. “The officers were afraid to open the basket as they thought the monkey would be aggressive and run loose in the departure area.”

[Image Source: Shutterstock]