“Who Farted?” The Poet in 7J Wants to Know

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In a Delta forum post titled, Death by a 1000 Flatulences, a Case of Who Done It, a FlyerTalk member describes the horror of being stuck next to a serial farter in first-class so hilariously and poetically described this whodunit that we had to share it:

Currently on a flight from Salt Lake City, Utah to Honolulu, Hawaii in seat 7J. I have seriously counted 12 character-building, drifting scents either coming from in front of me or behind me in the first 2 hours on my flight.

The passenger adjacent to me is reading a book, and if she is the one, I will give her the award of not giving a …. about what people think. However, she moves her blanket a couple times whenever the aroma comes and makes a huffing noise, so I don’t think she’s the culprit. Also, she is a sweet, innocent-looking old lady. She gets a pass.

These are not the odors of, “I am quick and done,” but rather, odors that have somehow found the secret to stopping time; odors that literally turn air flow into slowly dripping honey that won’t come of your spoon even when you have two air vents blowing like no tomorrow and demand more money for more blowage.

I seriously believe I only have 3 odor sensing nerves left as I have around 3 more hours to go… but, will solve the case by end of flight.

So, Who Beefed?

Unfortunately, while OP vowed to find the villain carpet-bombing first class, they have yet to give us an update. We can only hope that they did not succumb to the noxious fumes during the 7-hour flight, or, that when confronted with accusations in the replies that “he who articulated it, particulated it,” was unprepared to make a confession and abandoned the post.

I for one, blame the FlyerTalker who commented that they “always come prepared to fight back with gusto, and binge on kimchee or chili cheese burritos prior to any lengthy flight. I learned my lesson years ago on a 16-hour Atlanta to Seoul flight.” And if it was that villain, I recommend that OP keep it to themselves. That is not an arms race you’re going to win.

If you have any information about this crime or wish to confess to it, please feel free to do it in the forum thread. Or, subscribe to the thread so that you can tell your friends that you read this thread before it was cool and eventually turned into a major motion picture or a true-crime podcast.

Edited for clarity.