How to Handle Yourself When the TSA Handles You

Traveling can be a tricky business, one that’s often complicated by unexpected, misery-inducing difficulties — but fear not! Mile High Manners is here to lend a helping hand and guide you through the polite “do’s and don’ts” of flight etiquette, regardless of the class you’re seated in and situations you come up against. 

Have you ever faced an in-flight encounter or unexpected situation at the airport which you were unsure of how to handle properly? Send your dilemmas to us at [email protected] and check back every Wednesday as we endeavor make the travel experience more enjoyable for everyone.

 

Q: So this is a bit awkward to admit, MHM, but the other day some TSA agent totally felt me up. I know patdowns are just an everyday part of the air travel experience, but I seriously think this guy overstepped his bounds.

If I wasn’t already running late for my flight I would’ve done more than just shoot the perv a dirty look… but what? In my head I imagine finding the agent’s supervisor and informing him of my dissatisfaction of my balls’ handling, yet at the same time I wonder if a busy security checkpoint is the place for that sort of conversation.

Is it better to call the airport later? Or should I just keep my mouth shut and accept that TSA groping is keeping America safe? What would you have done?

A: I am sorry to hear about your unpleasant experience. The official term for what happened to you is sexual assault, which is a serious violation of your rights and should not be tolerated. America doesn’t need to be familiar with the nuances of your balls in order to secure its borders.

The TSA has very specific guidelines that agents must follow when performing a pat down search. When searching sensitive areas such as the upper torso or groin, the agent is supposed to use the back of their hand. It doesn’t sound like that is what happened in your case, unless the back of this guy’s hand was equipped with a full fist of fingers. The TSA claims to investigate all reports of inappropriate conduct and recommends that if any improper behavior takes place to contact a screening supervisor immediately.

I could see myself emerging from the checkpoint in a daze wondering “did what I think just happened actually happen?” I would also be hesitant to say anything without knowing how the situation would be handled. The TSA has official procedures for this sort of thing but the truth is that they are no different than any other organization that receives a complaint such as this. They could take your claim seriously, investigate and take action to remove the fondler. Or they could look the other way and do nothing because the offender is the TSA administrator’s son who is finally starting to get his life together and his mother would be so disappointed, again.

In the future, you should get the name of the agent and file a complaint, whether it is by telling a supervisor at the checkpoint or contacting the TSA later with a phone call or a feedback form. The TSA should know about your experience and have the opportunity to do the right thing by removing the offender. Sexual assault is no joke. It is very likely that you were not the first and are not the last victim of this testes troll.

 

Q: Hi! I found this article on FlyerTalk a couple days back and have been FREAKING OUT about my upcoming trip to Houston ever since. I’m packing a bunch of things in my carry-on, including quite a few books, and I’m worried that (like in the article) the TSA will mistake my totally harmless items for explosives!

My husband says I’m overreacting, but I don’t fly often, so I think my fears are 100% justifiable considering was just happened to those poor sorority sisters. Help me, MHM. Am I overreacting? Does that sort of thing happen often? And heaven forbid the TSA actually mistakes my belongings for bombs, what should I do?

A: I can understand your apprehension to travel with these newly controversial items. However, as long as your carry-on contents are TSA (and house mother) approved, you will be fine.

The TSA has protocols that require the investigation of any items that raise a flag in the scanner. The situation in HOU was just on a much larger scale. The TSA searched one bag for this item, so they felt compelled to stick to their initial assessment and search all of the bags. The TSA would prefer to be known as an organization that errs on the side of caution rather than letting any dangerous materials slip through their rubbery blue fingers.

You can’t always predict what will look shady in the scan, but there are a few things you can do to ensure that you will pass the checkpoint with flying colors. Rather than your books, you are more likely to get tripped up by any liquids that you have. Be sure to pack only liquids that are contain 3.4 oz. or less and keep them safely nestled in their one quart clear plastic bag home. Don’t forget to take this bag out of your suitcase and put it in the bin with your other small items when passing through the checkpoint. Otherwise you will hear many exaggerated sighs coming from the people in line behind you. And don’t even dream about taking a bottle of water!

If the TSA decides to be suspicious of any items in your suitcase, they will ask to hand search your luggage. Keep the books packed near the top of your suitcase so that they will be less likely to sort through all of your belongings. In the end, they will discover that the potential threat is not a bomb at all but instead a book about the bonds of unity and enduring friendship. Or any other topic that is infinitely more interesting.

The worst thing that could happen is that you miss your flight, which is inconvenient and frustrating, but unlikely to be the result of any books you have packed. At least you will have something to read while you wait!

For more information about the items that the TSA thinks are no bueno, check out the TSA’s Instagram account here.

 

[Photo: iStock]