Mile High Manners: Sensible Solutions to Gate Lice, Space Hogs & Getting Stuck Next to the Stinky Toilet

Traveling can be a tricky business, one that’s often complicated by unexpected, misery-inducing difficulties. You’ve got tightened airport security to deal with, not to mention delayed flights, discourteous strangers and maybe even a screaming child to top it all off. Sometimes it feels like the whole ordeal isn’t worth the hassle, but fear not! Mile High Manners is here to lend a helping hand and guide you through the polite “do’s and don’ts” of flight etiquette, regardless of the class you’re seated in and situations you come up against.

 

Q: Hey Miles, ever heard of “gate lice”? I’m sure you’ve seen them. They’re those parasites that crowd around the gate before their zones are called. They block the gate entrance like a big ‘ol blood clot and make life difficult for those of us with priority boarding status. Not only that, on several occasions, I’ve seen them completely ignore the fact that a wheelchair-bound individual (who’s supposed to be boarding before any of us) is trying to get by. Gate agents sometimes shoo the lice away, but it doesn’t do any good, and they just seem to multiply. What’s your strategy for a good delousing?

A: “Gate lice,” as you so affectionately deem them, are incredibly annoying. There’s something about them that rubs me the wrong way; I suppose this has to do with the arrogance — or the neediness — of these people, who are so obsessed with getting to their seat as quickly as possible that they are willing to hover around the gate like sheep in a pen to secure this goal.

The thing that perplexes me is this: If it’s a flight with assigned seats, then what’s the rush to get on? You’re going to be sitting where you’re going to be sitting, regardless whether you get on the plane first or last.

I don’t know if it’s possible to sway these people from their determined position. It’s best not to get involved. If even the gate agents can’t get rid of them, just let the “gate lice” have their petty victories and move on.

 

Q: My layover at ORD last week was ridiculously long, so I wandered away from the gate to grab a bite (shout-out to Tortas Frontera!). When I got back, about an hour before it was time to board, it looked like a mob had taken over! There were tons of people! I spent several minutes trying to find a place to plop down, but there wasn’t a single empty seat, not even around the gates opposite mine. As I stood there, among dozens of others waiting for an opening, I couldn’t help but notice that at least ¼ of the seats were occupied by coats, suitcases, purses and stuff that could easily be stowed elsewhere. On top of that, some people had splayed out to lie across multiple seats! What would you have done in this situation? How should one deal with inconsiderate space hogs?

A: I feel your pain, my friend. Many a time I’ve been stuck at an airport on a long layover and unable to find a seat in which to rest my weary body. This issue isn’t confined to airports though — just think about the last time you took a trip to the movie theater, when all you encountered was a sea of bodies and (even more irritatingly) waves of coats, jackets and bags sprawled all over the good seats.

People on the other side of this divide often fail to see the problem. They’ll say things like: “I’m using all this space!” or “I’m saving these seats for a friend!” Yes, I’m sure you are.

As for people who attempt to lie across those airport seats, all power to them! Personally, I can’t imagine a more uncomfortable fate, yet people still seem to try it.

It’s been my experience that in a situation like yours, it’s best to take the high road and leave the “space hogs” to their own selfish gains. More often than not, they can’t be reasoned with. Take your luggage and find a coffee shop close to your gate. You can wait there in comfort until your flight begins boarding. It’s a luxury you have to pay for, of course, but spending $4 on a cup of coffee is a small price for having someplace pleasant to sit.

 

Q: I recently made the poor life decision of flying on a low-cost carrier. Not going to name names, but it rhymes with “Blahllegiant.” On “Blahllegiant,” you have to pay a fee if you want to pick your seat. It was only a 2-hour trip, so I figured I’d save myself a few bucks and let “Blahllegiant” assign me a seat. They shoved me in the back row — right next to the toilet. The fact my seat didn’t recline wasn’t anywhere near as bothersome as the putrid stench that began seeping from the tiny toilet 15 minutes into the flight. The odor lingered, and the culprit made several more trips past my seat. Aside from succumbing to the fumes and blacking out for a few hours, what’s to be done in these stinky situations?

A: Low-cost airlines are always a bit of minefield, and you pretty much get what you pay for when you book with them. In your “Blahllegiant” experience, as well as in most budget-booking pleasantries, all you can really do is remind yourself that you likely won’t have to deal with it for an extended period of time. If it’s just a 2-hour flight, suck it up and get on with it. It’ll all feel like a bad dream soon enough.

Occupying a seat right next to the toilet is drawing the short straw to be sure. Aside from trying to snag an empty seat elsewhere, there isn’t much to be done I’m afraid. Breathe through your mouth and seek a suitable distraction. You could also ask the flight attendant if she would be kind enough to clean the toilet if it’s truly unbearable.

 

Have you ever faced an in-flight encounter or unexpected situation at the airport which you were unsure of how to handle properly? Send your dilemmas to us at [email protected] and check back every Wednesday as we endeavor make the travel experience more enjoyable for everyone.