Crewed Talk: The Best & Worst Drunks That Flight Attendants Have to Deal With
Sarah Steegar November 25, 2014
Before I get into today’s topic, I want to share a story, and it’s perhaps my favorite passenger story ever. Full disclosure: This happened to a friend. Let’s call her Jill.
A passenger boards Jill’s international long-haul flight. His rare profile catches her attention — he’s dressed in a suit, traveling alone, seated in Business Class, and appears to have a mental disability. She’s curious about him and eager to learn his certainly interesting life story, but he’s not a talker at all! During dinner, Jill feels kind of bad because he’s having trouble eating, dropping food off his fork and missing his mouth every so often. She doesn’t want to insult him — clearly he’s very independent and quite capable of many, many things — so she pretends not to notice. He falls asleep during the meal.
Later on, he wakes up and becomes quite chatty. He seems quite different to Jill. Braggingly, he tells her that there is something “special” about him, specifically: “I am impervious to alcohol.”
What?
“It’s crazy,” he goes on to say. “I can literally drink all I want, and it doesn’t affect me at all. Right before this flight I was in the lounge and — it’s self-serve and no one was looking — so I downed about 17 shots! And look at me! Nothing!”
Oh dear, what do you say to that?!
Blatantly, I just wanted to share that story because it is hilarious. It came to mind after reading “Betty’s” recent Yahoo! Travel piece on the Five Worst Kinds of Drunks. Yup, all of those are pretty bad, but I have three airplane-specific categories of my own.
1. The Ambien Drunks
I’ve mentioned the particular danger of passengers mixing alcohol and Ambien on Crewed Talk before. So many people just don’t seem to believe that warning label that says to not mix alcohol with the drug. Ignoring the warning completely, travelers mix the two, and the results are always… interesting.
During the pre-Ambien days, if someone suddenly started acting super bizarre and saying nonsensical things, my first thought would be: “Could this person be having a stroke? Are they exhibiting mental illness?” Nowadays, I go straight to: “Has this person had Ambien and a drink?”
Thus far, I don’t relatively mind these types of drunks because at least I understand what’s happening with them and how they’ll react. Most of the time, they’ll just behave a little oddly. They’ll get upset about having their booze privileges cut off, but they’re more Barkers than Biters; their threats are usually more silly than they are upsetting. The best part about these drunks is that they won’t even remember their odd behavior after a few hours. Not. At. All. When they wake up (after their inevitable nap), they’ll think we got along just great!
My favorite Ambien Drunk was a woman whose “daddy” was a “super important, big shot lawyer.” She was going to sue me for cutting her off and make sure I lost my job! I was going to be so sorry! Although I was careful not to show it, her insistence was amusing, as I felt confident that I had gracefully done everything right. I politely provided her with my name, manager’s contact information and the whole shebang, but she was still very aggrieved.
“You still seem to be quite upset with me, but I’m not sure what else I can do for you,” I said. “Would you like to speak to my Purser?”
She leaned in close and slurred back at me, “No! You’re going to speak to my Purser!”
2. The Played-the-Crew Drunks
These are the passengers who fully intend to drink way more than they should. They’re careful to not ask the same flight attendant for a drink twice in a row or when one who recently served them is within earshot.
These schemers can take us by surprise when they’re “suddenly” smashed. That’s when we realize they’ve been carefully playing us as a group. I resent good service being exploited. Plus, their whole attitude about drinking onboard is belligerent, so they’re prone to get rowdy.
Played-the-Crew Drunks are bad news. When I come across this type, I make sure I know where my handcuffs are.
3. Drunk-When-They-Board Drunks
It’s against FAA regulations to let intoxicated passengers aboard an aircraft. Sometimes, they manage to discreetly slip onto the plane amidst the boarding madness. Other times, enforcers on the ground are not properly assertive with them.
Regardless of how regulations fall through the cracks and drunks end up boarding, it makes me nervous. Once we’re in the air, we’ve fully inherited a problem without warning. We have no idea what or how much these individuals consumed before they got onboard, and with a long way to fly, it’s anyone’s guess how things will go.
Drunken passengers are to a flight attendant as death and taxes are to life. The best thing you can do is have a reliable set of “handling” skills and a good perspective on it. As long as they don’t become violent, everything will be alright. Besides, if we’re lucky, we’ll even get a really good story out of the encounter.
[Photo: iStock]
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just 2 weeks ago ewr/pdx, a couple in front of me (60ish)....about 1hr post dinner/ice cream the woman started crying...bawling out loud. the FA was all over her...oxygen tanks (multiple) coaxing her to throw up, getting medical attention on board....at the end of the day sympathy turned to disgust....she had had a few drinks prior to boarding...a few drinks w/ dinner...and was essentially drunk w/ a tummy ache....she continued to cry solidly and loudly for 2.5 hours...(spoiler alert, she allowed that she typically doesn't drink much b/c by her own admission she's not a good drinker)... anyway, the FAs were outstanding in dealing with such a pathetic situation, and did a great job to make sure it wasn't something more serious. for all the complaints i hear about attitude in the air and poor service, i find myself more often than not feeling sympathetic to what the FAs and GAs have to put up with
I was in J on a transatlantic flight, int'l carrier, once with a woman who boarded the plane obviously under the influence, but most likely on something other than alcohol. I first noticed her on the way to the gate, crouched down on the moving walkway. She was also in J, and when she got on board she couldn't find her seat at all, and needed FA assistance to find it. She was a total mess. The FA questioned her and then declared, "I think you are on something." The woman kind of snapped to and insisted that she was ok, and the FA backed down. Once she got to her seat she immediately nodded off. She woke up to use the restroom, but ignored the line ahead of her, and because she was so visibly messed up, nobody challenged her. Amazingly, she also woke up when the drinks cart came down the aisle. Her eyes lit up and she asked for a drink. The FA said they had run out of alcohol, despite standing next to a cart full of bottles. The lady looked crestfallen and watched with a confused look on her face as others were served drinks, but soon again passed out, and remained that way until breakfast. At breakfast she transformed into the very image of a model passenger, polite and sober.
I got played by a passenger once. Flying from LHR to YVR I sat beside another young guy who had been visiting his 'sugar momma' who had bought his flight for him - it was his first time flying and he was excited about the booze. He told me how smashed he had been on the flight to England. This guy did the 'Can I have a second drink so now as so not to bother you later' deal at dinner. Shortly after dinner he got up and came back with two mini-bottles of wine, downed those and then up and back for two more, and then again!. 8 drinks in about 30 minutes. I had to put up with another 30 minutes of drunk talk (hearing about his sugar momma who wanted him to move to England) before he passed out. At this point I thought I would relax with a glass of wine and enjoy the peace and quiet. As the flight attendant walked by I signalled her and asked for some wine - at which point I was informed that I had been cut off!! Apparently my seat mate had been telling the flight attendants that he was getting drinks for himself and his buddy (pointing me out to the FAs!). After his 3rd visit the FAs had conferred and decided to cut us off. I pointed out the pile of bottles underneath my 'buddy's' seat, explained what he had been doing and got up and walked back to talk with the crew chief. Upon seeing I was quite sober they gave me my wine and asked me to keep an eye on my 'buddy'.
This is actually a pretty funny article. Reminded me of a flight I was on from AMS to SIN in J. Now I tend not to get intoxicated even after drinking more then I should. But because of my built, most people won't know this (I even asked my family GP about this). On this flight I had a constant refill of wine, while catching up with my reading. About 4 hrs into the flight another passenger across the aisle got very vocal with the FA. Sensing an interesting situation (plus the fact that I'm nosy), I put down my book to see what's happening. Apparently the passenger was cut off, as he had quite a bit to drink as well. Conversation with FA: Client: "I want a drink right the hell NOW!" FA: "I am sorry sir. But I don't think should be having anymore. Perhaps a cup of tea?" Client: "I paid for this biz ticket, and I'm entitled to drink whatever I want!" FA: "Yes sir you are. However FAA regulations allow us to moderate your alcohol consumption. Which you have drank is rather large quantity" Client: "Then what about THAT guy (pointing at me)? He's been drinking like a fish!" FA: "Yes sir. But unlike you, he did not try to grab my butt when I'm serving him." It took A LOT of self control not to fall off my seat laughing.
If it's after midday and I'm on a flight I am not sober