sgh

Eightblack is a believer in capitalism and so am I.

Maybe someone in the FT community knows a publisher who will publish his trip reports in the form of a book!

Until then, we get to enjoy it for free!!

Brilliant writing eightblack , just brilliant!

krazykanuck

hahah. As a child of Florida, I at least preferred Busch Gardens to the Disney parks I'd been to.

JDiver

He was wrong about the pool odor - it's not chlorine (as in available chlorine) that smells so nasty, it's chloramines (as in used up chlorine). Guess how that happens? He was also right about the kids and not using proper bathrooms. I'm afraid Bug light is insufficient as a disinfectant, though it could be the "anti-chlorine"...

Great stuff, Mr. Eightblack!

wrp96

Interesting misspelling although that is about how it tastes.

BA5E

Oh dear I have never laughed so much in my life, all these TR's of famous Eightblack ought to be made into movies, they are hysterical, if one was having a bad day, then just reading these reports bad days would not exist. Keep it coming^

yosithezet

Sanity? Clearly you have never met the man.

eightblack

The subject of many family dinners. My mother in law clearly is still as confused today as the day she was when we met.

Then I have done my job. My sincere thanks sfoactuary

You could have told me that BEFORE we left But seriously, we had a great time, despite my arm waving.

Sorry life got in the way. I will re-double my efforts!

Thanks isaifan. I nearly forgot about that. These rollercoasters were way worse than HKG

I drink heavily! But seriously its not that bad. And BA5E I sincerely appreciate all the cheerleading you do for me.

Yes, on the key to a successful marriage! Many thanks smit0847

And thanks to you too Andriyko

Excellent to hear sgh. This is my 5th year on FT and it has been a blast. Please stay...

SuperDudley. you need to have talent to write a book! But I am flattered. Thanks

Yes, I agree. He's a nutter.

Jinxy

Another great read. Any plans to come "home"?

eightblack

I wont bore you with another day of amusement parks – and the second day of nearly losing he will to live. Apart from this. Busch Gardens made Universal Studios look like amateur hour when it came to rollercoasters which could quite literally detach your retina.

Oh alright, then. I’ll tell you just a little bit.

The kids insisted I went on just one ride, so I reluctantly agreed. Just once. Some silly thing called Montu. Use the Google. See for yourself.

I nearly forgot. This place also fleeces you for the express pass option. I suppose as frequent flyers, we shouldn’t complain, but many of us here don’t pay for the ability to line up in a priority queue as we receive the perk with our status.

But trust me. When you have a family, and the parks are running at holiday capacity, these express things are a godsend. My wife still never told me how much they were though.

Right, the ride. Ok, yes, I hate rollercoasters. I know you know that. The normal ones are all terrible. But even worse are those rides where you hang from the bit at the top and your feet dangle in the air below.

I just can’t understand it. As we stood in line waiting for our turn, people would return, big grins on their faces saying “man that was amazing”, or “dude, that was far out”. Or “lets do it again.”

Even a little girl, a lot younger than my daughter, squealed in delight and begged her father to do it once more, which he happily agreed to do. But then again he did have a t-shirt which read “People From Cheboygan, Michigan Do It Standing Up”

My wife, who is also a Michigander, doesn’t even know what that means. The only thing she said was that even the hard core folks who live in Detroit give people from Cheboygan a wide berth. Maybe the air is thinner there.

I have no idea.

Anyway, I started to protest at the fact that I wasn’t keen on this whole ride given the dangly legs bit. As usual, the wife, my own kids and even the best friend, treated me with contempt and disdain. They continued to push me towards the front.

Sadly, our turn came to board the contraption known as Montu. You sit there, and officious teenagers, drunk with power in the sense that they can actually insert a seat belt into a buckle – all bark in unison “have a great ride”. They jiggle the belt and give the shoulder harness a good shake.

What makes it worse, is that about 3 different people check your seat belt is clicked in and the shoulder bar thingys are locked down tight. If you ask me, all this checking, double-checking and triple-checking just makes it worse. Like they're worried about something.

I mean, can you imagine if they did that with us and flying. You put your seat belt on. After all, you're an adult, and its not that hard. No matter how inebriated you are. Moments later, a flight attendant comes along, and gives it a good tug and checks again. Stern faces all round. Then to make matters worse, the Captain and First Officer walk through the cabin, giving each and every belt one more decent yank, for good measure. You do wonder though why they started with all the cute chicks first though.

I felt like saying, lady, if I wanted a great ride, I’d be back at the hotel in the Jacuzzi with 2 supermodels feeding me grapes and pouring me a pitcher full of ‘02 Dom. Or Krug. I wouldn’t care. I’m not that fussy.

And another thing. Where do they get these people who work in these parks? I’m talking specifically the “ride attendants”. Must they all have their bottom lip stapled to their right eyebrow? One kid had those oversized earring things in is ear, which made it look like he was coming down with a slight case of the ebola virus. And tattoos. Don’t start me.

I’ve threatened both my kids that if they come back with even a hint of skin ink, I will wait until they fall asleep and then remove it with my angle grinder.

They simple wave me off. As usual.

Actually, before I forget. A couple of months ago I was away. Don’t know where I was. I cant remember. Anyway, my daughter rings to say hello;

“Hi Dad”
“Hello Princess how are you?
“I’m good”
“What’s going on”
“Oh nothing”

(When your kid says “oh, nothing”, trust me, this is the first sign of either the house has burned down or your wife has run off with her Chiropodist. Called Lulu)

“I’ll be home on Thursday”
“Good, because I need to tell you something”

I reach for the bottle of Tanqueray

“Yes, what is it?” I say with the same level of caution as a bomb technician
“Um, I just wanted to let you know that I got my ears pierced today but you don’t have to worry, because that’s all I’m getting pierced. For now”

And then she promptly hangs up the phone, with a quick “Bye, Dad, love you”

What the…????? I call back and demand to speak to an adult. My wife tells me to relax and have another drink. Which would be nice, apart from the fact that I just chugged the entire bottle of gin, while redialing the home number.

You see what my life is like.

Anyway, where were we? Right, the animal of a thing called Montu.
I think the thing I hate about rollercoasters is that you are stuck there and have no control. And the sick fools who design them, believe in scaring you witless, but ever so slowly. The ride pulls out of the station and starts to ascend. You think, ah this isn’t so bad. Then the climb turns into something akin to scaling the side of Mt Everest.

Then when you get to the top, it pauses. The adults start to scream. And then it drops like a stone. It takes about 15 seconds before your stomach catches back up with you.

You glance down and notice that the good people who designed Montu have graciously put a safety card at each seat. There’s a symbol of the ride detaching from the main railing and as the carriage is plummeting to earth, it shows all the passengers doing their best Fred Flintstone impersonation and running. As if that’s going to help when you slam into the side of a building.

Ok, I just made that last bit up. But it could be true.

Honestly, you get off these things knowing full well what it would be like to be caught in the spin cycle of a washing machine.

I politely advise the family that this will in fact, be my last rollercoaster ride for the rest of my life. As you would expect, they ignore me. But I stand firm.

They all shout that they want to head towards something called a SheiKra.

I don’t even know where to begin and while I rarely use photos in trip reports, the only way I can explain this to you is actually show you. I mean have a look at this insanity.






See. Told you. The only way you could have put me on that thing was in a vase. Directly from the crematorium.

Would you believe my foolish children went on the thing 3 times. I started to whimper just watching it from the ground.

But like Universal, the smart people who design these places put drink stands every 500 yards and fill them with cold beer. And places to sit. Which seem remarkably popular with all the fathers. Just like me.

There’s only a day or so left at Orlando. I can hear you say “thank god”. And to be honest, not a whole lot happened. Apart from the run in with the good people from iHop. Oh, and the management from Buschs Garden. But it’s Sunday. You need to rest. I’ll tell you later.

obscure2k

eightblack, thank you for another trip report which I love sharing with non-FT Friends. Everyone I know howls with laughter while reading your accounts of travels with your family.

wrp96

I would rest better if you posted another part of your trip report. Instead I'm sitting here anxiously waiting for more. And there's no beer stand where I'm waiting.

havepointswilltravel

eightblack I am glad you arrived in one piece at Busch Gardens. You did not tell us how you traversed the nerve racking I-4 to Tampa. What is your impression of the malfunction junction?

krazykanuck

eightblack, I went in the opposite direction of your kids. I never liked rollercoasters until high school, and I think Montu was the first real roller coaster I went on, due primarily to peer pressure as I was there with a bunch of my friends in high school, but I loved it and since then don't mind them, maybe even enjoy them.

arlflyer

Ah, Wet 'n Wild. Brings back a lot of memories from growing up in Central FL. You're right that the tourists seem to prefer buying the multi-park passes from Disney etc. and then sticking to those water parks. But Wet 'n Wild is the original thing and preferred by the locals.

Did they get you on the Bomb Bay?

And we Floridians prefer to cater our water park trips from Publix, not Walgreen's!

Jenzo

Brilliant ^