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Old Oct 17, 05, 10:27 am   #1
 
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Question 18: What's your favorite joke?

This question was submitted by Wingnut:

"Part of the reason I come to Flyertalk is because it's fun. So what's
your favourite joke?"
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Old Oct 17, 05, 11:53 am   #2
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Most of the ones that I wanted to put here would probably be a TOS violation, so I'm going to pass on those ones!

But here are few good ones that I like that aren't too horribly dirty:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.

The bartender says, “Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?”

The pirate replies, “Arrh! It’s driving me nuts!”

***

And, because this is a frequent travel board, here's a link to a good joke as well.
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Old Oct 17, 05, 12:04 pm   #3
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Just one?

Here's a number of pretty good ones:

http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199088

http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199088



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Old Oct 17, 05, 12:06 pm   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bhatnasx
Most of the ones that I wanted to put here would probably be a TOS violation, so I'm going to pass on those ones!
you are just no fun at all

My favorite one is sooo stupid, but my son told it to me a few years ago, and i laughed so hard I had to pull the car over.

Who's the smelliest bounty hunter in the universe?

***Boba Fart***
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Old Oct 17, 05, 2:42 pm   #5
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This has been around the horn a few times but is a good fit for FlyerTalk. And maybe there are a couple of folks who have yet to see it:

Quote:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.



P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

And one of my personal favorites:

Quote:
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
she is staying home
because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak
voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ... coming into work today."
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Old Oct 17, 05, 3:33 pm   #6
 
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One of the few that comes to mind that is family friendly is:

1:Knock-Knock
2:Who's There?
1:Interrupting Cow.
2:Interrupti<interrupted by 1>
1:MOO!


I think it might work better out loud.
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Old Oct 17, 05, 9:22 pm   #7
 
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Not technically a joke perhaps, but one of my all time favorites...

The Difference between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:

"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

There is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward....I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer....Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed--even before I sensed it--that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems truly to care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have....Oh, God, I feel so...."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad finally to know the correct answer.

"It's just that....It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home. She lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

**EDIT: cblaisd brought to my attention that this excerpt is from the book Dave Barry's Guide to Guys. Thanks for the proper attribution.
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Last edited by John C; Oct 19, 05 at 6:38 am.
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Old Oct 17, 05, 9:28 pm   #8
 
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Or for those with shorter attention spans...

The Buffalo Theory:
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, from Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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Old Oct 18, 05, 4:52 pm   #9
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Right now my favorite joke is the talkboard elections!
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Old Oct 18, 05, 5:05 pm   #10
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutz
Right now my favorite joke is the talkboard elections!
I have to admit that I enjoy your frank and often biting, sarcastic wit Koko. It reminds me of Newt Gingrich in the early years, always quick with a barb to stoke the fires. It was interesting to see his transformation as he rose to become the seat of power instead of the backbencher lobbing grenades. In that same way, a part of me would love to see you elected not only to TB but as President of the whole shebang. I'm pretty sure you couldn't constrain your natural inclination to speak your mind and I'm half curious to see what the target of your wit would then be.
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Old Oct 19, 05, 3:08 am   #11
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Sorry, but I don't have the natural ability to recall classic jokes very well. I've always been a bit envious of people who can rattle off jokes like Rodney Dangerfield. So my favorite joke is always the one I just heard.
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Old Oct 19, 05, 12:53 pm   #12
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Only joke I remember is:

Why did the Pirate like the movie?

It was rated Arrrrrr!
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Old Oct 19, 05, 11:24 pm   #13
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John C
Or for those with shorter attention spans...

The Buffalo Theory:
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, from Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

John, that might explain why that woman at the other end of the bar gets better looking with every beer I drink......... LOL
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