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Broke up with my girlfriend over travel :(

Broke up with my girlfriend over travel :(

Old Mar 11, 2008, 10:27 am
  #1  
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Broke up with my girlfriend over travel :(

A couple months ago I started dating this wonderful woman. Great job, a sweetheart, and absolutely drop-dead beautiful. I thought she was a keeper, and I think she thought that about me as well. Then I offered to take her on a trip with me (I've been to all 7 continents, so travel is a big part of my life). That's when she dropped the bombshell: She won't fly. She's never tried it, but she's got a phobia about it. She said she's not interested in ever trying to get over it. So I broke it off with her. It makes me tremendously sad because she seemed so perfect, but I think it was the right decision. If she had been willing to at least try flying, I would have tried to help her. But I just couldn't believe she wasn't even willing to try it. I wonder if other people have had relationships fall apart over travel?
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 10:34 am
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Originally Posted by Medic1
A couple months ago I started dating this wonderful woman. Great job, a sweetheart, and absolutely drop-dead beautiful. I thought she was a keeper, and I think she thought that about me as well. Then I offered to take her on a trip with me (I've been to all 7 continents, so travel is a big part of my life). That's when she dropped the bombshell: She won't fly. She's never tried it, but she's got a phobia about it. She said she's not interested in ever trying to get over it. So I broke it off with her. It makes me tremendously sad because she seemed so perfect, but I think it was the right decision. If she had been willing to at least try flying, I would have tried to help her. But I just couldn't believe she wasn't even willing to try it. I wonder if other people have had relationships fall apart over travel?
You could always sail.
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 10:35 am
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That tells me, she just may of been hardheaded in other areas too. After marrage is not a time to find these things out. I think you were very wise.
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 10:52 am
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Originally Posted by Medic1
A couple months ago I started dating this wonderful woman. Great job, a sweetheart, and absolutely drop-dead beautiful. I thought she was a keeper, and I think she thought that about me as well. Then I offered to take her on a trip with me (I've been to all 7 continents, so travel is a big part of my life). That's when she dropped the bombshell: She won't fly. She's never tried it, but she's got a phobia about it. She said she's not interested in ever trying to get over it. So I broke it off with her. It makes me tremendously sad because she seemed so perfect, but I think it was the right decision. If she had been willing to at least try flying, I would have tried to help her. But I just couldn't believe she wasn't even willing to try it. I wonder if other people have had relationships fall apart over travel?
I left my first husband because he hated to go anywhere. Always wanted to mow the yard or something mundane that would prevent us from going places on the weekend. My attitude was scr@w the lawn lets see what is over THERE.... it got worse as the years went by and after 12 years together I called it quits. Now bzbdavid & I are on the road 90% of the time - and it suits us both.
I hate to sound mean but I've always found people who have phobias that they aren't even willing to consider working on to be totally self-indulgent. Where travel is such an important thing to you that was absolutely the right decision.... Besides, after a few more months when the hum of new love wears off how interesting would someone be who had never been anywhere and had no desire to go?
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 11:08 am
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Originally Posted by tlhanger
That tells me, she just may of been hardheaded in other areas too. After marrage is not a time to find these things out. I think you were very wise.
Couldn't agree more. She wasn't as "perfect" as you thought she was. You made the right decision even if it hurts right now. In the long run, you'll find someone who can appreciate and want to enjoy with you the important parts of your life, especially travel.
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 11:39 am
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To play the devil's advocate, do you sort of think this might have been her little own way to call it quits?
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 11:51 am
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Originally Posted by Medic1
A couple months ago I started dating this wonderful woman. Great job, a sweetheart, and absolutely drop-dead beautiful. I thought she was a keeper, and I think she thought that about me as well. Then I offered to take her on a trip with me (I've been to all 7 continents, so travel is a big part of my life). That's when she dropped the bombshell: She won't fly. She's never tried it, but she's got a phobia about it. She said she's not interested in ever trying to get over it. So I broke it off with her. It makes me tremendously sad because she seemed so perfect, but I think it was the right decision. If she had been willing to at least try flying, I would have tried to help her. But I just couldn't believe she wasn't even willing to try it. I wonder if other people have had relationships fall apart over travel?
You don't mention if she was happy letting you do all the travel? I understand the desire to not travel alone, but if she's so perfect maybe you can have the best of both worlds? I guess it's too late now, but there must be lots of couples where one travels and one doesn't. I like travel, my partner doesn't. He says it's just because I haven't traveled for business as much as he has. I think it's because he just doesn't enjoy travel unless it's purely for pleasure.
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 11:56 am
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Originally Posted by Medic1
A couple months ago I started dating this wonderful woman. Great job, a sweetheart, and absolutely drop-dead beautiful. I thought she was a keeper, and I think she thought that about me as well. Then I offered to take her on a trip with me (I've been to all 7 continents, so travel is a big part of my life). That's when she dropped the bombshell: She won't fly. She's never tried it, but she's got a phobia about it. She said she's not interested in ever trying to get over it. So I broke it off with her. It makes me tremendously sad because she seemed so perfect, but I think it was the right decision. If she had been willing to at least try flying, I would have tried to help her. But I just couldn't believe she wasn't even willing to try it. I wonder if other people have had relationships fall apart over travel?
I used to be terrified of flying, and i still get pretty nervous on first takeoff headed for my connections but it's really not that bad anymore. You should have maybe given her some more time, there are a ton of websites out there about flight phobia's that really help. I read all of them, joined some flight discussion boards, and played flight simulator on my computer, and it helped alot.

Of course, you could always just get drunk at the airport bar as well
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 12:08 pm
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Originally Posted by markryanmiller
You don't mention if she was happy letting you do all the travel? I understand the desire to not travel alone, but if she's so perfect maybe you can have the best of both worlds? I guess it's too late now, but there must be lots of couples where one travels and one doesn't. I like travel, my partner doesn't. He says it's just because I haven't traveled for business as much as he has. I think it's because he just doesn't enjoy travel unless it's purely for pleasure.
Yes, she was more than happy to let me run off on my trips alone. I wouldn't mind doing that occasionally, but part of the fun of travel for me is sharing amazing new sights and cultures with someone I love. So it might have worked a little while, but not forever.
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 12:09 pm
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Originally Posted by UNITED959
To play the devil's advocate, do you sort of think this might have been her little own way to call it quits?
I thought about that, and I suppose it's certainly possible. The only thing that makes me think that probably wasn't the case is that she was very upset that I was "dumping" her over her refusal to fly. She thought we had enough other things in common to still make it work. It could have been a show, but I think it really did upset her.
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 12:14 pm
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It sounds like you made the difficult, but correct choice. Being able to travel together, and later share the memories is what it is all about.

Keba
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 12:20 pm
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My wife hates flying, but she married a pilot (that would be me).

It seems to me there is more to it than just the flying phobia, but I only did 9 hours of undergrad educational pysch, so I am not expert.

If you really thought she was the "one" per se, why did you not try and work it out someway or was she really unable to compromise at all?

In the end you probably made the right decision, maybe not for you, but for her. I wish you luck finding someone else.

Airports are great places to meet people (seriously), there are even internet groups for it and having common interests is a big key to many happy relationships.

Ciao,
FH
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 12:30 pm
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Let's recap. Never flown, has a phobia, not willing to even try to get over it, and ostensibly must know how important travel is to the OP. Unless she immediately relented when he broke the bad news and said "ok, ok, I'll give it a try" then one must assume she's sticking to her guns and doesn't care that it's a major issue for OP. Then OP made the right call. She has some serious underlying issues. Time to move on. You need someone who can share the love of travel with you, or who is at least open to the possibility. In this day and age fear of flying is easily overcome if the will is there. And there's not much to travel (or life) without flying imho.

PS in reference to your comment that she seemed so perfect, no one is perfect... its just a matter of how long till you discover the thing that really aggravates you and how you get over it
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 12:32 pm
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Originally Posted by FlyingHoustonian
My wife hates flying, but she married a pilot (that would be me).

It seems to me there is more to it than just the flying phobia, but I only did 9 hours of undergrad educational pysch, so I am not expert.

If you really thought she was the "one" per se, why did you not try and work it out someway or was she really unable to compromise at all?

In the end you probably made the right decision, maybe not for you, but for her. I wish you luck finding someone else.

Airports are great places to meet people (seriously), there are even internet groups for it and having common interests is a big key to many happy relationships.

Ciao,
FH
That's why it made me tremendously sad, because everything else about her seemed so perfect. I wanted to find a compromise, because I think all relationships are about compromise. I told her I'd be happy to attend some sort of therapy session with her to see if she could get over the fear, etc. Unfortunately it was her steadfast and almost defiant attitude of, "I won't fly, I'll never fly, and I'm not going to start changing who I am this early in a relationship" that made me realize further discussion really wasn't worth it. I certainly wasn't prepared to change who I am by agreeing to be content to never travel with her, so I guess it will work out better for the both of us in the end.
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Old Mar 11, 2008, 12:34 pm
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Originally Posted by Medic1
That's why it made me tremendously sad, because everything else about her seemed so perfect. I wanted to find a compromise, because I think all relationships are about compromise. I told her I'd be happy to attend some sort of therapy session with her to see if she could get over the fear, etc. Unfortunately it was her steadfast and almost defiant attitude of, "I won't fly, I'll never fly, and I'm not going to start changing who I am this early in a relationship" that made me realize further discussion really wasn't worth it. I certainly wasn't prepared to change who I am by agreeing to be content to never travel with her, so I guess it will work out better for the both of us in the end.
Then it was the correct thing to do. 'Tis cliche' and all but there are other fish in the see, or birds in the air in this case.

Ciao,
FH
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