GodOSpoons

So I have to go on short notice to MSY, so I decide, why not Ted? He's supposed to be friendly and fun! I like fun. Really. I do.

As usual, I booked myself on a cheaper, later flight, so I was on 1434, which was the evening flight, but like all 1P and higher, I feel entitled to ruin everyone's standby hopes and get on the 11:30 a.m. I was picking up a friend the night before, so I decided to get my ticket and add myself to departure management, ensuring myself at least a plausable chance of making what was an overbooked plane (seven seats over at that point). I arrived about 30 minutes before the flight with only carry on, waited patiently, even ignored the fact that an agent in Toronto had given a different passenger a copy of my Departure Management card (weird!) and took a rather crappy, E+ Y seat on Ted. I do note that I gave up my Exit Row aisle on 1434, so I hope an FT'er got it. With my compliments.

The plane was an actual Ted one... painted with that big, orange tulip and big blue Ted. Other than that, and a few Ted logos inside the plane, it was if UA had taken its crappiest A320, stripped out F-class and done nothing else. Seats? Equally uncomfortable. Crew? Nice, but all wearing United garb. Trying to stumble over the awkward "Ted" references in the preflight announcements (like: "Ted would like to rub in the fact that you paid $488.20 for this last minute flight to New Orleans. Ted is soulless and hates you. Rar! Etc."), we got to watch the most surreal video in the history of airlines. This isn't Independence Air's crafty, fun attempt at a pre-flight audio--if you haven't heard it, it's worth the $19 ticket--it's basically CSI's cinematographer meets the Matrix's CGI guy meets the casting director of Dawn of the Dead. The United employees... stoned. Or something similar. The floating exit door is a little surreal, as is the fast-action rotation around people doing various things, such as putting on their lifejacket. ("Ted's sorry, but could you please prepare for water landing? Rar!") The people are unenthusiastic zombies trying to save my life. I appreciate that. But Ted is supposed to be fun, not a replaying of Fiona Apple's psychosomatic remake of Across the Universe. Ted is starting to bore and annoy me at the same time.

After the hawked the mediocre meals (Yummy food from Hard Rock Cafe? In what parallel world is that?), I get a beverage. Mmm. Yummy. Full can? No. Lots of ice. If I wanted to be screwed on a beverage, I would have gotten one at DEN and chewed on the ice chips, just to annoy Ted. In flight magazine? Hemispheres.

TedTV? Crappy sitcoms, including "I'm with Her," which did start off with a faux lesbian love scene. I was told, according to the nice little Ted brochure in my seat pocket, that TedTV was unique and that it was OK to find myself laughing out loud. I was not laughing out loud. I did have a fun set of black UA headphone with green headphone covers (my neighbor had had purple, so the fun is even diversified!). Maybe that's why I'm supposed to be laughing. I appreciate irony. Really.

I was crying on the inside for these poor UA staff members who had to talk about Ted in the third person (Ted is sorry he lost your luggage, but Ted can't help you. Ted admits that he wasn't paying attention when his employees tossed your luggage around like a rag doll--not that this happened to me, Ted. I'm just saying that's how UA employees would have to say it. Now shut up and get Ted a drink. He's angry! Rar!).

So, we land. Done. Btw... no WiFi in New Orleans. You'd think that Ted would get off his lazy butt and buy a $50 WiFi hub since he's, you know, fun and all. And likes to give his passengers some sort of value.

The return flight, UA 1455, on Wednesday started off much better. The pilot, José, grabbed the microphone and did a rather amusing routine about landing at DEN ("I figured this might happen, so I read my turbulence book last night in the hotel and I think I've got it this time."). He said he'd been flying for UA for 35 years and that he really appreciated everyone flying today. Maybe they should have called the new airline José, because José had personality. Personality goes a long way. Back to the pre-flight. As I walked down the aisle, I noticed several tray table covers were broken or damaged. Also, even though they'd put Ted stickers on the walls, they hadn't managed to do it to the baggage compartments--all those were clearly labeled United Airlines. The UA people kept having to correct themselves as to whether it was mainline or not ("Ted angry United getting all credit! My flight! RAR!"), same zombie film (did UA people actually watch this God foresaken, painful video), this time E+ exit row aisle, no one in the middle seat (yay!), same mini-soda, same food slinging (no... Ted doesn't take credit cards or allow you to pre-buy food at the EasyCheckin. Ted is incapable of such complicated activities), excellent landing at DEN, arriving 30 minutes early.

Flight? Unexceptional. Price? Way too high, even with three day advance, on such a short route, with lots of competition (I paid $40 more than F9 on the same day, just because I'm a ho' for miles) and little benefit. Ted wasn't any more fun, the experience any more unique or value any better than a mainline flight. Paint the planes back to UA, admit this is a failure, bring back F (or at least C) and treat me with some respect again.

To paraphrase Alec Baldwin from Glengarry, Glen Ross, the world's greatest Sales Training Video:

"I said to fire Ted, because a loser is always a loser." I wonder if he can file for unemployment?

rufus102

This needed it's own thread why?

or...


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

take your pic.

pbjag

Godospoons, it is obvious you have a sense of humor, even if Ted and rufus 102 don't

GodOSpoons

I was just trying to give perspective on a recent experience, I figure of UA people read it, they might actually try to improve the experience. If non-Ted flyers saw it, they'd consider these factors against other, low-fare airlines like JetBlue (which, having flown the first time last week, is a new benchmark for LC carriers).

Take a nap... I don't care. Just know that it'll be in the same seat as mainline without the... uh... charm.

Lori_Q

I don't agree. Amusing account of an ordinary flying experience.

Sure, Ted's not that different from mainline flights. But the flight-safety video IS amusingly bizarre, the paintjob's snappy, and I just love that Ted merchandise. It will be collector's-item fodder in 20 years, sort of like Braniff and PanAm.

UNITED959

^ I'm with you.

A very good read.

UA_Flyer

Enjoy your report! Look forward to reading your next one!

Bear96

This all-consuming Ted hatred is really getting strange to me.

Let's see. You purchased a "cheaper" ticket on a later flight; were on time both ways (I assume, or else you would no doubt have documented your delay minute by minute in excruciating detail); got to your destination safely both ways; you even got to MSY presumably hours earlier than planned since you successfully stood by for an earlier flight; and the crews were "nice."

Sounds like a sucessful trip to me.

Yet you still have to compain about the amount of ice in your drink (did you ask for no or less ice or a full can), and the lack of Ted stickers on the baggage compartments... sheesh.

So even when a trip goes exactly as, or even BETTER than planned, it is still worth a (yat another) thread about how miserable TED is.

I don't mean to single you out, GodOSpoons, but to all the anti-Ted obsessors, it is time to get over it, deal with it one way or the other, and move on. Save your drama and passion for the REAL tragedies in life. Having to suffer through an E+ seat isn't one of them. Perspective, people!

GodOSpoons

Nah... it's not that I hate Ted, it's just that it was marketed to me, a half-time Denver resident (and therefore slave to UA and F9) as:

1. A Low Cost Carrier

It's not. I could have flown, for the same price or less, any number of mainline or discount carriers.

2. Fun

It wasn't any different than United, except the video programming was of a lower grade than mainline (unless you count the creepy pre-flight movie) and the service was unexceptional for United. Southwest at least sings to you, makes jokes and doesn't try to be anything but, well, cheap.

3. Different

It had United's on-time percentage, based on my 50K BIS miles so far this year, there were no weather delays (see my USAirways posting a few back) and sure, the pilot was good. But I expect all of those things. I also expect that if I'm a frequent flyer, and there are seats available on an earlier flight, I should be able to standby at no charge. However, as per other discussions, the padding of United's arrival times is getting a little nuts--we arrived in Denver 35 minutes early. Also, the frequency was lacking, as they seemed to have one plane flying the route--if I'd not gotten on the 11:30, I would have had to wait until 6:40 p.m.; alternately, on the return, the prior flight was 8:30 or so; I flew out at 2:45 on my booked flight. What would happen if Ted's airplane got a little cranky in New Orleans? There's only so much good time to roll.

As for the soda, I would have asked, if it had not been for the person in front of me asking (also an exit row) and being denied. And, as a cashless traveler, even RyanAir (which I consider to be about as no-frills, low-cost as they come) accepted credit cards for meals and other in-flight needs.

However, I was on a crappy plane with broken seats and tattered, dirty carpets. Maybe I'm a little spoiled that I was on a $329 one-way from JFK to DEN the previous Friday, but that was a one-day advance and 10 times more charming than that Arnold on Green Acres (or Ted, for that matter). Need I mention the DirecTV, rather than TedTV? If Ted is to compete with Southwest , Frontier and JetBlue, then Ted should take a motivational training course and start competing.


I know this is all Ted bashing, but as a resident of its launch city and one of the primary victims of the dumbing down of United, particularly for its elites at 1K and 1P, I have to say I'm not at all impressed and, for the relative short hauls it covers, I have no incentive to pay for a seat-mile, particularly since it's all discretionary for my domestic segments (I always fly *A internationally, which will put me easily at 100K for this year). Since I have to figure this is a profitable route for F9, with much better service and same class structure, why would I throw this business to UA... I mean... our friend, Ted?

JohnnyP

Your experiences and reflections mirror my own when it comes to flying Teddy-boy. As a part-time Denver-area resident, my choices are often between Frontier, United and Ted. United wins almost always, where available, F9 second and Ted in dead-last. I mean, what's the point of flying Ted (if just not to get the miles) when I can have DirectTV on Frontier?

WindFlyer

Thank you for your post, GodOSpoons. It was a great read. ^

It does encapsulate a number of the things that are wrong with Ted,

...and does so in a very humorous way that vastly differs from the standard Ted-bashing threads I've read.

UALOneKPlus

ROFLMAO!!!! I had these exact same thoughts as you!!!

TED not happy that these threads are propogating here..


This is a particularly brilliant thread to read, because I'm bored with the mundane UA threads lately. Thanks GodOSpoons !

Axey

Sorry Bear, with all due respect -- Customers are perfectly entitled to complain about a product which (1) Is not in their best interests and (2) They believe is not in the airline's best interest in the long term.

Tell me to vote with my dollars? I already have. That still doesn't mean that I can't tell the airline I've literally grown up with and given a LOT of $$$ to that it's doing something boneheadedly stupid. If I didn't care about UA (not in that cutesy sort of way), I wouldn't complain about Ted all the time.

UALOneKPlus

I totally agree Axey. My favorite airline is going down the tubes. After spending a fortune with them over the my experience as a 1K, I have not given them one dime.

Perspective? Yea I'm peeved, and no, I'm not going to be quiet about it either.

GodOSpoons

Yeah. I don't know how it came to be in my story that Ted talks like Frankenstein, but somehow it just seemed appropriate. Just think of the possibilities:

"You pretty! Want join Ted's mile high club? RAR!"

"Ted mad you not read exit row brochure! RAR!"

"No lemonade for you. Ted drank. RAR!"

Still. "Ted angry! Rar!" Maybe a new marketing campaign catch-phrase? I can't wait for my Emmy nomination. Too bad Phil Hartman is dead. He's the perfect Ted.