Pistole Announces 'Enemas For Enemies' Program

[mbstone]

Washington (AP) -- Citing the risk that a terrorist could smuggle weapons or explosives internally, Transportation Security Administration Director Joseph S. Pistole today announced a program by which randomly selected airline passengers would undergo what he called an "expanded anal flushing procedure" at selected airports, beginning with CVG.

"We are determined to flush out terrorism, and this new program is intended to address the concerns of those who have pointed out the obvious shortcomings of backscatter X-ray devices," said Pistole.

"TSA's Anal Retention Task Force has been working on this problem for several months, and we are confident we have found a solution," said Pistole, who presented PowerPoint slides describing the program to reporters. "Selectees will find that the procedure is no more onerous than the home enema kits that most of us use every day."

Shares of C.B. Fleet Laboratories, makers of the only TSA-approved "enema solution," were up 3 points in after-hours trading.

[Jupiter's Ally]

LOL...
but wouldn't be alarmed if it happens in the near future
If it does, I'm no longer flying.

[FlyingUnderTheRadar]

Now that is just asinine !!!!! .

[Spiffster]

Wouldn't that be the Federal Anal Retention Taskforce?

Originally Posted by mbstone

"TSA's Anal Retention Task Force...

[freemind001]

I risk being yelled at for this statement (or am I stating the obvious??!)... But is this a well engineered All-Fools Day prank??

[RadioGirl]

Originally Posted by freemind001

I risk being yelled at for this statement (or am I stating the obvious??!)... But is this a well engineered All-Fools Day prank??

Ya know, I THINK so, but seriously, over the last few months, it's getting harder to tell satire from truth.

[alanR]

Originally Posted by RadioGirl

Ya know, I THINK so, but seriously, over the last few months, it's getting harder to tell satire from truth.

Or it gives "someone" an "idea" on "improving" airport "security".

[ElizabethConley]

Good news Comrades! Our glorious leader has found a government surplus supply of Dr. Benjamin Rush's Bilious Pills the Lewis and Clark expedition left behind in St. Lewis.

One of Rush's Thunderbolts, and the stoutest citizen will clear his bowels with ease. Better yet, these pills can actually be retrieved and used over and over again!



Don't worry, the manufacturer warranted these miracle pills as completely safe and wondrously effective. Government sponsored studies reveal these are even safer than the TSA's Backscatter X-ray Equipment.

Happy April 1, 2011!

[LuvAirFrance]

Reads like a story from The Onion. Fess up. That's where it came from, right?

[scoow]

Originally Posted by LuvAirFrance

Reads like a story from The Onion. Fess up. That's where it came from, right?

You don't give your fellow TS/S denizens much credit. I'm sure it is an original "article".

[doober]

Originally Posted by mbstone

Washington (AP) -- Citing the risk that a terrorist could smuggle weapons or explosives internally, Transportation Security Administration Director Joseph S. Pistole today announced a program by which randomly selected airline passengers would undergo what he called an "expanded anal flushing procedure" at selected airports, beginning with CVG.

"We are determined to flush out terrorism, and this new program is intended to address the concerns of those who have pointed out the obvious shortcomings of backscatter X-ray devices," said Pistole.

"TSA's Anal Retention Task Force has been working on this problem for several months, and we are confident we have found a solution," said Pistole, who presented PowerPoint slides describing the program to reporters. "Selectees will find that the procedure is no more onerous than the home enema kits that most of us use every day."

Shares of C.B. Fleet Laboratories, makers of the only TSA-approved "enema solution," were up 3 points in after-hours trading.

Love it! Thanks for the smile.

[FlyingCowboy]

"If you don't like it, don't fly."

"Anuses are a privilege, not a right."

"You have no guaranteed right to anal privacy."

"I support the security measures. They keep my anus safe."

"Today's threat level is brown."

"Do you want to S%*# today?"

[jtodd]

On a similar note, I found this story.

http://www.aero-news.net/index.cfm?c...6-a8a7d15bc9d1

"...The TSA has already developed an online video instructional program that describes the necessary procedures and steps required under the TSA SPDI (Self-Pat-Down Inspection) program and will shortly require that all pilots view, and sign off as having taken the online course, with a passing grade of 75% or more, before exercising the privileges of their Airman's Certificate..."

[LuvAirFrance]

Originally Posted by FlyingCowboy

"If you don't like it, don't fly."

"Anuses are a privilege, not a right."

"You have no guaranteed right to anal privacy."

"I support the security measures. They keep my anus safe."

"Today's threat level is brown."

"Do you want to S%*# today?"

As some would like to say: "Show me where in the Bill of Rights it ever made an inviolate anus a sacred right" Antonin Scalia might write an opinion that way. Of course, nowhere does it say corporations are people either, but that's irrelevant.

BTW, "threat level is brown" is hysterical.

[Boggie Dog]

Thanks OP.

Now if we could just give TSA a massive enema we might stand a chance of unclogging their brains, cause there is no doubt that is where TSA types keep theirs.