tokyotraveler

Well here is the story in a nutshell. A few years ago I was suppose to study abroad and visit Japan for a year. Sadly, I had to cancel because it would of cost me about $10,000 minimum to make the trip. As time went by I kept in contact with the family as my facination for Japan and it's culture was still there. So as the years went on and I coudl start affording more things the head of the household invited me out for a couple weeks so I could fulfill my dream of visiting this different and interesting land and I said, why not.

She sends me an email about a week after her invitation and tells me that the economy in Japan is horrible so she would like to ask me to pay her 3000 Yen per day in exchange for food, bed and bath and I said why not. Well, some time later I arrived in Japan and was very very excited. I had a great plane ride and was full of excitement for this trip. Well, the days went by as I stayed in Japan and she wouldn't take me anywhere or show me anything or even tell me about the culture. I would tell her how homesick I was and how I felt but she wouldn't even listen to me. Finally she took me out once without asking me which was fine as I was happy to finally be doing something but then once again we returned to this doing notthing faze. My typical day consisted of 5-6AM wake up,breakfast, my laptop untill 11AM, lunch, walking+exercise, computer, dinner, exercising/jogging, computer, sleep. It was monotinous. Finally, on one of my evening walks I met an American and was filled with joy. I went to thier place, had a couple drinks and watched TV -- ENGLISH TV and it was great! Then I was invited for a night on the town the next day with a group of American friends. It was a great night.

After this night on the down, I returned to the family's house I was staying with and she suddenly got very upset. I told her that if she wasnt' going to show me the culture and japan or even give me time of day, why should she be upset that I went out? Then she started on an endless tirad of how horrible Americans are, and how horrible the American army is and how thier influence on other esspecially in other countries destroys the culture and the people of that country. I couldn't stand this and the lack of hospitality she had shown me so I called United and rebooked my flight for later that day and told her I was leaving. Then, she took 57000 Yen from me saying I owed her for the stay, and for parking, gas, tolls and all these other fee's that magically appeared. I told her I was upset and how that money is rightfully mine. I told her i'd pay her for the days I stayed which would only amount to about 20000 Yen -- I even did the math on paper. At this, she pannicked and ran out of the room and told me to pack.

This infuriated me even more so I had to figure out how I was getting to the airport -- she barraged me with endless japanese and to make a long story short I had to take a taxi which cost me 35000 Yen. Thankfully the cost for changing my ticket was only $52.75. So then I went on my way and got home and now my sleeping pattern is all messed up to add insult to injury. I have sent her an email demanding my money back or else I will report her to the agency that she does the hosting with and she sent me back an email telling me that she's had cancer for two years -- notthing else. I sent her an email back telling her that I am sorry to hear that but it has nothing to do with my money and I am still awaiting to her back from her.

I hope this post came out right -- I have a huge headache from all of this. I can't believe everything turned out like this and it leaves me mystified and confused. I just wish this didn't turn out like this -- the only thing I really miss right now is my money, the American's I met and of course, my money and that vacation feel of course. I don't know right now -- I guess i'm just in shock.

WillTravel

What a mess. Hope you work this out satisfactorily.

Consider travel again when you are feeling better. I'm sure you will want to go again, but maybe try a culturally closer country.

This sort of experience is why I've always been reluctant to try homestays or even B&Bs (too cautious, I know).

Pickles

It sounds to me like you were trapped in a classic Japanese cultural misunderstanding farce. From your host family's perspective, you broke the social contract. She wasn't being your homestay family, she was your landlady for the period. How would your landlady feel if you walked out without paying the rent? And yes, rent is what it was, so she feels entitled to full rent payment even though you chose not to use the facilities.

Were the people you met from the US Army base in Camp Zama? That would explain a lot about her outrage. From her perspective, she took you to Kamakura (even though she didn't have to, because she was just your landlady), showed you what Japan was famous for, and what do you do? You talk to a French girl! And then, you go out and get sloshed beyond repair (not "a night on the town") and puke all over yourself, miss the last train, and have your landlady worried sick that you drowned on a platform pizza, or worse, slipped on one and fell on the tracks and was cut in 3 by the Hibiya line. And then she would have to explain it all to the police and your parents, who (she thinks) will hold her responsible and cause her untold shame and loss of face.

And you consorted with the invader, nonetheless! From her perspective, WW II ended 60 years ago, likely before she was born, so why should she endure these insular, crude barbarians making a mess of her "lovely" town, and flying these low-flying supersonic contraptions at all times of day and night?

I'm not making a statement, I'm just putting on her shoes. My suggestion is that you let it ride, and chalk it up to experience, and forget about getting your money back. Next time, stay at a hotel in town. For only a moderate amount more you could have stayed in a modest hotel in town and not have dealt with the ugly side of Japan so close and personal.

fastair

Better yet, hop on a 747 to HKG, and learn about "The Big Buddha", Star Ferry, "Early Morning Discount", "Pretty Girl Discount", "Closing Time Discount", a fair exchange rate, luxury hotels, Dim Sum, "The Night Market", "The Jade Market", "The Bird Market", Victoria Peak, the high speed ferry to Macao, how to dodge Indian/Pakistani tailors on Nathan Blvd, The Pearl River, Rolls Royce, "The Pen" (and that isn't jail!), Victoria Harbour, Shark Fin soup, Peking Duck, Green Tea, Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Jean-Claude Van Dammnit how did he get mentioned (was it for Kickboxer?), and best of all ENGLISH IS AN OFFICIAL LANGUAGE!! all of this in a space (not counting the big buddha and macau) of 5 miles!

fastair

I forgot to mention that amusement park/aquarium, Microsoft's worst nightmare, BOOTLEG SOFTWARE!!!, and the backside of HKG island, which has a few nice villages of its own. No transportation will cost u more that the $10.00 or so to take the high speed ferry, or the train from the airport.

Edit: well, I forget, I DID get taken for like $100.00 from a rickshaw driver one day...seems the girl I was with thought that he wanted US dollars instead of HKD, and before I could react, she had my money in his hand...amazing how quickly he "forgot English" once he had that royal payoff!

tokyotraveler

Thank you Pickles for your incredible insight and view. After reading your post over and over again I must say that your truth is definately saturated with a lot of truth and explanations -- of course the truth may never be known by me but if anyone's the closest, my educated guess would be that you have struck that nail. Boy, are you right when you say "the ugly side of Japan..." -- I never thought there was or every COULD be an ugly side and never would I of imagined that something of this caliber would ever happen. It was definately an experiance and I have definately learned from it -- i'm sure i'm blind from it now but I'm sure in time I will see this. As far as your question about Camp Zama -- out of respect I won't reveal where I met these people so let's just say your close enough. All your points are just so wonderful and insightful and once again Pickles, thank you for all you have told and done for me. You've honestly and sincerely, been a great help, as so have each and every one of you who have posted in this thread or have PM'ed me. It's really funny how things work themselves out in life but I think I need to look at the positive things of this trip and the experiance as a whole.

As I sit here, trying to adjust my sleeping pattern and thinking about the past few days -- even weeks I am still confused and depressed (not from just trip alone of course) but I am eager and excited for my next trip and I have already begun preliminary planning. Hong Kong is a trip that sounds interested and of course I have mentioned Paris but maybe sometime in the future I will visit Japan again, more experianced and more wiser and purhaps my experiance will be completely opposite of this recent one. But regardless I extend my thanks again and hope I can move on with this with my head help high, and my mind, that much more wiser then before this trip. Thanks.

tokyotraveler

I just thought I should add, I never asked her to go to Kamakura -- let alone, I wasn't even told we were going untill 30 minutes before and she told me she has never been there and was eager to see it for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I was thankful she brought me -- it was certainly a very pleasant surprise. I met the French girl on the train to the Great Buddha/temples BUT it was not me who initiated the start of the conversations. There were a group of three girls who were obviously not Japanese and they were with an elderly japanese lady so the lady I was with began to talk, in japanese of course, to the lady and then told me who she was and about the three girls. She then talked to the girl from France and told her that I was from NY and from there a conversation was started. It was a brief conversation, followed of course with the trading of e-mail addresses, and the person I was with said it was good that I met her and that the girl seemed like a really nice person. She continued to talk to this old Japanese lady so I didn't think twice about talking to the French girl. The lady that took me to Kamakura even began to explain to me about the person she was talking to and that proceeded to another conversation -- one that I am still trying to decipher and figure out. I noticed that she would say, whenever I met someone (Paris Female and the American) that "she trusts them and thinks it's good I met them and should spend time with them because I could learn about them" and I remember her saying exactly "You can learn a lot from the American about Japanese culture better then you could from me" This obviously stumped me as her being japanese, it was weird to hear but i took it she meant that because there would be less of a language/communication problem in that regard. Let me remind you she told me to spend time with these people (but of course, she could of just been saying that to be polite). Of course I was going to go through with her suggestion because of her blatent disregard for me being homesick and depressed.

This all confuses me so much as SHE was the one who invited me out for vacation telling me that she would show me the country and teach me so much and it was after the acceptence of this offer that her monatary requests were revealed and accepted by me because I figured with all she would be doing for me, it'd be worth it....

I don't know but I guess all I can do is take your advice Pickles and just take this as the experiance that it was, learn from it and move on. Please, i'm not argueing with you as your explanation was incredible and great and very insightful but there are a lot of details and things I left out that might point to something else -- the more I think about it, the more questions emerge. Please, if there's any questions you have I will not hesitate to answer them as ideally I would like to have at minimum, mental closure to this "adventure".

Pickles

Sounds to me like she had the hots for you, and she was sad you weren't reciprocating her brand of love. And I'm only half kidding. I know this very senior guy at NTT, we are talking big time. He has a middle-aged wife and a daughter, and the wife is a bit ferkakte. Everytime we go to their house the wife is always flirting with me in an annoying way. She's like 20 years older and not even marginally interesting. Lots of veird people overthere.

tokyotraveler

Why do you say that? I realize your "half kidding" but out of curiousity where do you deduce that from? Never, did I ever get the feeling that she had the hots for me or even was interested in me -- but then again, I am kind of dense when it comes to these things :-/

I guess I can see where you are coming from though but it still leaves me with some questions. I'll just rule out this because I just can't see it as a possiblity. Once I can even get past the fact that that's very un-japanese like, I have to see on how she's "happily married" or so it would seem. Then again, the japanese don't really show affection in public so I would imagine gauging that would be difficult....

None-the-less, I think I would just have to disagree with you here, although i'm sure, as you hinted at, you were just kidding. Still, it's a bit upsetting not to have closure but i'm sure that's perfectly normal to feel -- especially considering the circumstances.

GadgetFreak

I havent had the problems arise that you had I feel fortunate to say but I found Asian countries to be a real culture shock initially. It took me a number of trips to feel comfortable in Japan. I havent been to HKG although it is definately on my list of places I would like to go. I have been to Bangkok, Phuket, Shanghai and the Philippines as well as frequently to Japan so Im not a complete novice to Asia by any means.

Given what happened, your interest in international travel and your location I would suggest the following. You can get really cheap (often under $300 some years) flights to London from New York. London gives you a "foreign" experience but it is much less jarring than Asia. Being close and cheap is a good thing too. I would suggest you visit London and after you get your international legs a bit built up either the countryside in England, Edinburgh or Paris as the next step up in being in a non-familiar environment. London is one of my favorite cities in the world, it will give you some foreign travel experience and give you some confidence in that regard. The English countryside (ie Devon) is beautful and another culture step from here as is Scotland (London is pretty cosmopolitan so it is closer to NY). Paris adds the language element but culturally is MUCH closer to the US than Japan. If you really wanted a lot of frequent flyer miles in addition to seeing new countries get yourself to Sydney. It is an absolutely fantastic city. Close enough that you feel comfortable but far enough that you know you arent at home. Anyways, just a suggestion. Another one is, poop happens. Youre back, youre safe and you have a new experience. Most international travel is great fun and a real enriching factor to our lives. Move on and enjoy the next one. And people here are always around to help.

Pickles

Actually, no, it is not un-Japanese like at all. Many Japanese harbor strange secret desires that you'd never even guess from knowing them for a while.

I worked at a Japanese company for a couple of years. The office was an open plan type of arrangement, with tables laid out for desks, not even cubicles. Everybody could see everybody else, and see anything going on in public. Across from me sat Ms. Ooi, and to my right Mr. Mitsui. I would see Ms. Ooi and Mr. Mitsui every day, and we would all work together. There was no evidence that Ms. Ooi and Mr. Mitsui knew anything about each other besides the fact that they sat next to each other. One day, I get an invitation in the mail. Ms. Ooi and Mr. Mitsui are getting married. It turns out she was pregnant by Mr. Mitsui, and they decided to tie the knot.

Another one. My boss, Mr. Gomei, was, in his spare time, an oenophile, a Cordon Bleu cook, and a classical music nut. He had 50,000 dollars worth of stereo equipment and a wine cellar with hundreds of bottles in an apartment the size of a two car garage. And on top of that, his wife and son lived there too. You wouldn't give two cents for the guy if you ever saw him on the street.

As for the "happily married" bit, I'd say that chances are that she isn't. Many middle-aged married Japanese women are not. The fact that she's got this "hobby" of inviting young single western men to spend time at her house might not be coincidental.

LapLap

I'm really sorry that you're adventure turned out to be so beastly - I hope you find some closure soon.

Alas, I have my own experience of a misunderstanding with a small Japanese company which draws too many parallels with your own case - being given certain promises and then being made to feel guilty when they aren't fulfilled so it gets twisted into being your own fault somehow.

I was supposed to go and live in Japan last year, so I decided to try and work for a smaller English school (as I'd heard so many horror stories about the large ones). I won't go into details - I still feel a bit sick and nauseous when I remember it all - but what I learnt is that an agreement sealed with a handshake means NOTHING (no matter what the Japanese say about honour). Whatever is agreed over a few drinks the night before - the next day the admin staff and lawyers are sifting through reams of paper to clarify the REAL contract. My own perception is that many Japanese have a certain view of themselves and how they want to be perceived - lets call it their fantasy persona. If this gets knocked or broken they unleash their anger onto whoever was the poor dumb sucker who didn't play the game properly and allow them to keep their fantasy intact.
Personally, I lost about $8,000 last year because the company didn't want to admit that the government wouldn't allow them to aquire visas for foreign employees, instead they kept telling me that it would only take a couple more weeks, a couple more weeks. Meanwhile, my Fiance's wonderful mother had died, I'd quit my job and was living in Spain rent free, but living on rice and tomatoes. The worst part was the way they shouted at me at the end of it and the awful, supremely personal insults they used. Especially when I'd lost so much.

It is behind me, kind of, and I still visit Japan and enjoy it very much(although my desire to work there has evaporated). The most positive thing to come out of it for me is my insight into some of the psychological bullying that goes on - there's a film called Rikyu by Hiroshi Teshigahara which shows how saying the wrong thing to the wrong person could bring the most outrageous repurcussions - that's something that seems to be entrenched in Japanese culture, and it goes hand in hand with the refinement of places such as Kyoto. Reading the Tale of Genji also gives an insight into the exquisite form of bitzchery that flourished in the Emperor's court. In a weird way I'm grateful. Japanese culture makes so much more sense to me now - and in a way is far more interesting.
And I'm so pleased you've made a connection with PICKLES - I think his advice to you has been completely sound. My respects to you both!

thomaskitty

You spin a really good yarn! I've been traveling to Japan for several years now; all on business. I've never heard such stories in my life! If it is all true, I feel quite sorry for you. However, Japan and the Japanese people, in general, are some of the kindest, most giving people I have ever met. I truly hope that what has been written over the past month or so here is not quite true.

Chiangi

tokyotraveler, I am really sorry to read all that happened to you during your short stay here. I am especially sorry that it all happened in the country I live in.

If you have an agent between you and the lady, why not report what has happened to you to it? From what you said here, it looks to me you just met the wrong host here.

I am a Japanese and did a homestay program in the U.S. a long time ago. For me, it was a culture shock, too, and I did not get along with the first host family I had for some reason. Fortunately, the school found me another family where I spent the remainder of my nearly one year stay quite happily.

That cultural difference is there for us to learn and enjoy but I think quite often it can be stressful, too.

I started reading this thread before you came here and while it may have not turned out to be what you would have wanted, I must say this is one of the most interesting threads I've ever read on FT. (It was certainly a lot more interesting than one of those 'how can I get an operational upgrade' threads. )

I do hope that you visit here once again.

Oh, by the way, LapLap mentioned Kyoto .... it is a different story, I think. Kyoto people are known to be quite different .... They are known to say, 'Would you like to stay with us for a dinner?' in place of 'Good bye.' So don't take literally what they say. What they mean can be the opposite. That is a culture shock for other Japanese, too.

XCountryFlyer

Thanks for all the great suggestions.