OMNI - For Men Only! What are YOUR best travel tips?

EQUAL TIME:

No need to pack socks when flying business or above internationally...the airline will provide you with adequate footwear.

Forget to pack toiletries again? No worries! Soap is the duct tape of the bathroom. Makes a great deodorant, shaving cream, mousee, conditioner and even toothpaste in a pinch.

Pesky new-fangled cash registers printing awful things like "beer" or "becks dark" on your lunch receipts? No problemo! Simply get the old fashioned piece of paper off of the pad that your server takes orders on and rip off the half inch "receipt" at the bottom. Fill in the total and submit.

Can't fit that last item into your suitcase? Well, now is the time to put all those beers to work for you. Sit on the case. Better yet, jump up and down on it. Like a zipping computer files, there's ALWAYS more room if you try hard enough.

Worried about your hotel porn showing up on the hotel bill and giving the accountant back at the office hand over you? Don't! According to informed sources (I have absolutely no first hand knowledge) all movies simply show up as "Spectravision" on the hotel bill...feel free to expense it!!!

Finally, the most important tip of all: The interest that the nice-looking lady sitting next to you has in talking to you can be measured as an inverse proportion to how much you want to talk to her.

Anyone else???

(Now ducking punki's blows http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif)

[This message has been edited by kokonutz (edited 06-28-2000).]

http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

The "finger toothbrush" from when you're without...

Good stuff kokojester. Couldn't stop laughing. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

Pack lightly -

passport, credit card and e-ticket...

...everything else is EXCESS!

What's the issue? Anything forgotten can easily be borrowed from travelling companions. Toothbrush, socks, underwear, "protection", dental floss, deoderant... http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/redface.gif

Regarding expense account fun, The Onion had a story last year on

"Area Businessman Turns Prostitute into 40 Color Copies"

My tips:

1. always pack a couple of drink coupons in your wallet, in case you can't get to your bag in the overhead bin during the flight. Use them liberally - it is a cheap (er, free) way to chat it up with kokonutz's nice-looking lady.

2. enjoy your time away from home - leave EVERYTHING on the floor of your hotel room for someone else to pick up for you. Same for fast food bags in the rental car.

3. Penguins: caffeinated mints. Makes those guys offering Altoids look like wimps.

4. See if you can get them to put your convertible on the rental car receipt without the classification.

5. A friend of mine silences annoying seatmates on the plane by pulling out a Playboy and leafing through it - HE THE MAN!

Now this is REALLY a nicely needed thread. Thanks MisterNutz!!

(1) I heard from an impeachable source turning one's socks inside-out on alternating days saves packing and/or washing. Ditto for underwear* (.....I guess it would apply only if either are actually worn on trips)

(2) To obtain the modern bow-to-stern stylish shiny/greasy hair look, use the dip-stick from your rental car to obtain FREE SAE-approved hair lotion (NOTE: first, be very certain the engine is actually cold)

(3) Most green-colored mouthwashes can be readily substituted for Green Creme de Menthe


*the same guy said most underwear can also be turned around (ie 180 deg) for even extra usage (NOTE: not possible with (most) socks)

ps: as for "Can't fit that last item into your suitcase", simply use duct tape to attach it on the outside. I have 9 or 10 things there now. It also nicely lessens suitcase damage and will positively eliminate any luggage theft. Additionally makes it very easy to ID your unique bag on the conveyer from the 1000's of wheeled black clones.

Matt -

Many hotels will record the Spectravision as "Room Service" upon request.

Or so I hear.

http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

Greg

My first thought when reading this thread was, "My God, can't KokoKlown and the Krew be serious about anything?"

Then, horror of horrors, I realized that you are serious. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/eek.gif

Spectravision, schermetrvision......here is how to beat that system. Call the front desk the next morning and say nicely "Oh, I awoke this morning and the TV was on all night. I musta fallen asleep while reviewing the movie previews. I hope I wasn't charged".

They always remove the charge. If you get any hesitancy, tell them how comfortable their nice bed was even though it probably was a Sag-a-matic. How can they argue with such sound reasoning? (It once happened to me......I actually fell sound asleep, called and I was credited. It was probably one of those Disney movies too.)

ps: only try this once per each hotel stay

I actually work with a guy who not only carries and extra pair of shoes, but uses shoe trees to keep their shape. Wasted space I say! I carry extra tennies for the treadmill but find that 2 pair of socks will fit in each shoe nicely and will keep the shape of the shoe to boot. (no pun intended) So toss out those shoe trees!

Also, I had this happen a few times. I'm sitting in seat A and coworker is in seat D, same row. No one would switch with us so that we could talk so we improvised. Both of us armed with Palm pilots spent the entire flight "beaming" notes to eachother. IR Battleship worked well too. And the neighbors didn't even know that we were talking about how rude they were.

-rollyo11

That reminds me of one of my FAVORITE loooong meeting passtimes: Trying to intercept Palm beams. I once caught two coworkers dishing about their various exploits over the weekend during a budget meeting http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

Originally posted by kokonutz:
Trying to intercept Palm beams. I once caught two coworkers...

http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/redface.gif


[This message has been edited by geo1004 (edited 06-28-2000).]

Salt and a finger will "brush" your teeth fairly well

Plastic bags are really great. The big trash bag will act as a rain suit when necessary, the next size down will handle dirty clothes (keep in the trunk when traveling by with car and staying in more than one hotel), the next size down will hold some ice and a couple sodas or water (store in trunk) and the small ones handle: daily ration of pills; snacks; receipts; foreign money, etc.

Save the "old slacks, shirts, shoes socks, etc" that still have some waring but are on the edge for holiday travel. You leave behind a string of old clothes in exchange for room to put new stuff, gifts and souven.

Fabric softener sheets-great for shoe tough ups, odor aborption in the suitcase, avoid static, etc.

Medicine, glasses, Passport, money and a sense of humor will handle most of what you need when traveling, oh yeah, and perhaps your spouse.

In all seriousness, in some cities, it's cheaper to buy new clothes than it is to have the hotel do the laundry...

I heard of a guy who used a snack-sized Doritos bag (yes!) when he was in a hurry to find some "protection..."

No one can eat just one, eh?

This one is my fave......never pay for drink out of the minibar.....vodka, gin bottles can be refilled with water, dark colored liquors with diluted coffee.....

FQTV:

OUCH!!!!!


gabbysz:

With the new minibars that have sensors, and charge after 10 seconds, you gotta be quick.

So - The Spectravision story and all this male bonding stuff (drinking, dirty underwear) reminds me of a terrible joke (that I'll try to clean up a bit):

A guy out drinking with the boys gets plastered, and after his 15th Jack, throws-up all over himself. He's worried about going home and having his wife yell at him, but his buddies say forget about it. They tell him to stick a $20 in his shirt pocket, and tell his wife that a stupid drunk threw up on him, but gave him a 20 to get his shirt cleaned. Great idea he says!

When he goes home and tells his wife, she answers, "but there's $40 in there". He says, "Yeah, he took a **** in my pants too".

(ducking down really low to avoid getting hit by thrown items)

Ah, someday perhaps I'll learn how to manage, but right now I'm something of a clothes horse, as well as being frugal and determined to make the most of my trips. In other words, I turn business trips into vacations and vacations into sleepless marathons of having fun, as cheaply as possible (i.e. don't buy anything you already have one of!).

So, though I have managed to go overnight with just a carry-on, I have also been known to go for a one week trip with 4 checked bags and a carry-on and had to do laundry while away. Luckily, my home airport doesn't charge for cart usage, nor does Ottawa.

Keeping all this in mind, here are my tips.

Footwear: These are indeed bulky, so keep the number of pairs to a minimum. You will need a pair of black shoes for business meetings, as well as a pair of brown shoes to coordinate with your tan/khaki/ecru clothing on casual business dress days. You'll also need a pair of tennis shoes or runners for the gym and any other fitness activities you may use to keep in shape when on the road (volleyball, racquetball, pub crawls). If you're insistent on having different athletic shoes for different activities, they'll weigh a ton, but then again, you're probably fit enough to lug them around (I prefer cheap or ratty sneakers for pub crawls - you don't want to know what's on the floor in those bars). Oh, of course you'll need a pair of boots in case you plan on serious hiking, or just to look good (and save your toes) in a crowded bar. Add another pair if country music is your thing (spurs optional, but it stops people from standing too close and banging into your cowboy hat - see below). Bring sandals for the beach and for the hotel pool area. The fact that you'll save weight in socks is Nature's friendly reminder that sandals with socks will darn - uh, **** you to Fashion Hell.

Suits and jackets: One suit is required - more if you're in a fashionable industry (fashion), a fashionable city (Paris, Milan, Montreal), a fashionable crowd (you know who you are), or anywhere else where people will notice what you're wearing and might beam nasty messages about you with their Palm Pilots. Add your black tie stuff if you're going to a hoity-toity event or you're a musician. Add your white tie stuff if you're going to a really hoity-toity stuff or you're a conductor (at this level, you probably have servants to lug stuff around for you, so you can ignore everything and go on to the next post). And don't forget the all-important jacket for relaxed business dress; even on Casual Fridays you need somewhere to stuff your rental car keys, wallet, map, phrase-book, breath mints, sunglasses, hotel key, the directions to the golf course...

Shirts: Hurray for this year's in thing: short sleeve dress shirts! You'll save valuable ounces wearing these instead of long sleeve dress shirts. Please note the following: (1) not if you work in or travel to less fashion-forward places, such as planet Earth; (2) don't bring the cuff links. You will of course also need a full range of other shirts for the same activities mentioned above in "Shoes". Many of these will serve double duty, such as using last night's pub crawl t-shirt for this morning's gym workout (if the bars were smoky, beware or the residual smoke might give the other hotel guests emphysema). Also note that your Brooks and Dunn cowboy shirt will not double as anything else (except in Texas).

Pants: Your khaki slacks will fill in for the days you don't want to wear a suit. You may also wish to bring jeans or cargo shorts for your more energetic tourist outings, athletic shorts for the gym, swim trunks if the locale does not offer a nude beach (or even if it does; the family of 8 from Peoria might avoid the hotel pool otherwise...on the other hand...). If you're Scotland-bound, please remember that even if you buy a kilt, you'll likely never wear it while on holiday, so don't count on bringing fewer pairs of pants than normal. On the other hand, if you do, you can always go regimental (see Underwear).

Socks and Underwear: Yes, it's true that socks can be worn more than once without washing. However, please be warned that socks worn in this manner will eventally stand up without feet in them and thus will take up more room in your suitcase. In addition, although wearing only white athletic socks conveniently reduces the number of kinds of socks to pack, the people sizing you up as a potential executive at a blue-chip firm are likely to conveniently offer you a job as an intern at the branch office in Dildo, Newfoundland (note to Cmmdr. CatCop: this is a real place). Underwear is your own business, but remember what your mother told you about being hit by a car and having to go to a hospital.

Accessories: Clip-on ties take up more room than regular ones (until somebody gets annoyed with yours and tosses it into the Seine). Cowboy hats are impractical, as you can't sit in a plane or a car wearing one, they get crushed in the overhead bin, and people will insist on calling you "Slim" or "Tex" despite all physical and audible evidence to the contrary. Cowboy hat-sized hat boxes are available, but are unlikely to coordinate with your Louis Vuitton luggage. Jewellery is small and weighs little, unless you're a rap artist (make your manager carry it, though).

Great post, Islandcub. This one goes straight to the FT Hall of Fame!

So what you're saying, Islandcub, is that my 2 pair of Target brand khakis with the fraying cuffs, 2 golf shirts that were freebies from a trade show and feature the logo of some company I could only dream of working for and the 10 year old docksiders just don't cut it as far as a travel wardrobe is concerned? I think I'm starting to get it...

Kokonutz:

Are you the updated "Utility" kind of guy, or are you more traditionally-styled after the "Merona" template? http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif

Islandcub:

I personally like ratty jeans and t-shirts just cuz they feel so much better than Armani suits (and are much, much cheaper). Besides, they pass the laundry three-peat smell-test much more easily the longer you live in them, which an accurate smell-test acumen is another important man's travel tip.

Pray tell, Islandcub: What is your smell-test technique? http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/eek.gif


[This message has been edited by FQTV (edited 06-28-2000).]

Well here's one regarding shoes: Wear your golf shoes minus the cleats until you hit the links on your time off, or during that meeting your supposed to be at and then screw them in again. Also the inside of your golf bag is a great place to hide extra clothes etc until you need them. Just remember to remove the extra underwear from the bag before teeing off. Also car washes are a cheap alternative to laundry mats! http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif


------------------
Cheers Scott

Lets put it this way: My wife has had to explain over and over why my striped pants don't go with my poka-dotted real imported italian polyester shirt...

Oh, and speaking of MOLE SKIN, that's a great fabric for long-haul wearing, as it's durable, soft and fuzzy, and affords a very high smell-test performance quotient!

Thanks, Jim_B!

Koko: That depends. You weren't going to try to get into one of those way too trendy bars in Miami where bouncers evaluate how fabulous your clothes are, were you?

FQ: If Hotel Housekeeping starts wearing masks to clean your room, it's time to do some laundry.

Okay, since we've covered the basics, let's apply them to various locales.

Montreal - Appropriate: Italian-cut suit, coloured-but-coordinating shirt, Brazilian leather shoes (optional: opinions about Montreal's various looney mayors). Inappropriate: Reform Party of Canada shirt, wallabies.
Oddly appropriate: country-and-western type shirt that no real cowboy has ever been seen in (surprisingly, Montreal is the only city in Canada with a gay country bar, since the one in Calgary lost its lease and the one in Toronto is now a Kwikie-Mart).

Toronto - appropriate: Hugo Boss suit, white shirt, Florsheim shoes (optional: pamphlet describing why "Toronto really is a world-class city").
Inappropriate: Anti-poverty coalition pins, Anarchy Now! t-shirt, unwashed jeans, Doc Maartens (note: if you're within 100 feet of a political protest, you'll be treated as if you're wearing all this by the police anyway).
Oddly appropriate: nothing (as in nude; the nude beach is a short ferry ride from downtown).

San Francisco - appropriate: just about anything, as long as the look "comes together" (even this rule can be ignored during special events, but I wouldn't suggest wearing a tiara and Cuban heels to your client's office unless your client is situated well, well, WELL in the Castro. AND won't think you're trying to outdo him.)

Inappropriate: summer clothing (cf. Mark Twain's comments about San Francisco) although the boys and girls who spend half their lives in the gym will ignore this.
Oddly appropriate: fake impenetrable foreign accent as defense against panhandlers (although half the time they'll mime it so that you can't duck the issue this way).

Dear Mr. Kokonutz:

Mr. Catman thinks this thread has a few YUKS (of both kinds) but Mr. Commander Catcop would like to say that you are under arrest for a thread that made poor Catman throw up his PEPSI.

Catcop signing off... Catman???

Thank your Commander. I must state for the record that I of class and style and feline purrfection am ready for ANY situation and would never fall down in drunken debockery and silliness.

But I guess since you all like this thread it stays.

And I DARE ANYONE TO PROVE THAT I HAVE EVER ACTED AS SILLY AS THE MEN DESCRIBED ON THIS THREAD!! YOU WILL GET A REWARD TO BE DETERMINED BY YAZ AND EDDIE

HAVE A MEOWY NIGHT AND DON'T DRINK AND FLY!

See Punki, not all Flyertalk men are beasts. I'm the CATDOLL!!! http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by Catman (edited 06-28-2000).]

Double, sorry!


[This message has been edited by Shack (edited 06-28-2000).]

This sure beats all those posts regarding who uses http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif, http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/frown.gif, http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif, http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/tongue.gif, http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/mad.gif too much or who posts too many news clips.

This thread has valuable tools to help me in my travels!

My only input is to look for the errant maid cart that did not get put away for the evening and restock on laundry bags (can never have enough), those cute little shampoos and soaps (wife loves these) and pens (my wife and daughter always take my good ones).

Of course maid cart pillage can only be attempted and accomplished after a few Sam Adams. NOTE: This activity will always make you hungry for KK in the morning.

PS http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/cool.gif
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/rolleyes.gif

[This message has been edited by Shack (edited 06-28-2000).]

Kokonutz, SOAP, what's soap!

I am a professional at the following, and will share my tips:

1) Supplying yourself with writing utensils and soaps compliments of the hotel:

I LOVE to borrow lots of stuff from the maid carts, and I do even when they are still in the maid's possession. First, you have to do a single walk by to determine the locations of any desired item(s).

When a maid is cleaning a room, walk past again to see if he/she is in the bathroom or any other part of the room where they can't see outside. If the above is true quickly help yourself, grabbing only one type of item at a time.

Of course, you can repeat the above steps more than once, if deemed necessary.

2) Helping yourself to the items on the club/concierge floor when not staying there.

This is my favorite, but perhaps the most risky. It also only is worth it at Ritz-Carltons and the like where they have good lounges.

Of course, your key won't get you on to the floor with the elevator. SO, you have to use the stairs. Take the elevator to the nearest non-keyed floor, whether it be up or down. Then, find a staircase in a far corner, away from the elevators. Take the stairs up or down to the floor where the lounge is located.

The door should be unlocked, as per local firse codes. Once outside, close the door to the stairs quietly. Then, just act as a normal desk, and head toward the lounge.

Once at the lounge, don't act like it is an all-you-can-eat buffet. Take sparingly, and sit down to eat. If you take back to your room, you might be offered assistance which you want to decline. DON'T take the elevator down - - you must again take the stairs - as if you are headed back to your room on the club floor.

IF CAUGHT--- play dumb. "I was just exploring" "I thought the food was free" etc

This works best when the club floor is multi-leveled, like the Ritz-Carlton Cancun. Take the stairs to the upper floor and then the interior staircase down to the lounge.
----------------

As a warning, the above information is for educational and entertainment purposes only, and I take no liability for what happens if you try these "tactics."

What a fun thread! Perhaps leftover coffee from refilling Kahlua bottles, etc., could be used to dye white socks so they match them raggedy ol' khakis?

Do people really travel with shoe trees? Socks and/or underwear are the only trees for me!

-KP (orig from Roch, NY. Hey, Larrude!)

PS Nice tip on the R-C lounges. I think I get access on our July trip, but maybe I'll do a "simulation" run just for kicks (while humming the Mission Imp. theme, of course).

Can I come over to your treehouse? This is way more funner than the chix thread. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif

Hey, Catdude ... chill a bit. Jes' havin' some phun here ...

I'm not a guy, but I want to play too ...

Stuck in coach and want the bulkhead? Wear a kneebrace or bring crutches. Play it up real good and you might get a ride in the little motorized cart.

Don't pay extra to use the gym ... run the hotel stairs. People in the rooms next to the stairs will love counting how many times you go by. No stairs? Run the hallways.

At resorts get a room on the ground floor on the golf course. Makes it easier to sneak on.

When you call for something from housekeeping, be sure to leave right away. That way they'll put the item in your room while you're away and you won't have to tip for it.

Call the valet to bring your car around well in advance of when you're ready to leave. That way there's a good chance it will be sitting out front with the keys in it and you can hop in, once again avoiding a tip.

oh yeah ... those motorized shoe buffers ...
well ...

(Tute84's disclaimer goes here. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif )

My tip:

A few hotels offer free 15 minute previews of pay per view. What they don't tell you is if you abuse that right and watch the first 14 minutes of every, ahem, movie, they will eventually charge you.

Just what I've heard http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

An essential component of any man's wardrobe is the simple white T-Shirt. This can be worn in a variety of "looks". The key, fellows, is to accessorize.

With a pair of running shorts, it is a stunning execrise ensemble. Combine it with a pair of tight Dockers (R) and you're ready for a night of watching sports at the local pub (this works best if you have a bit of a belly). Throw on a leather jacket, and you're set to do Elvis at the local Karaoke bar. Combine it with a sports jacket (usually supplied by the better restaurants to their best patrons), and you have that casual Silicon Valley millionaire look.

Of course, it can be used as an undershirt -- unbutton the top shirt a few buttons and flash that white T-Shirt, don't be shy -- and watch out for the ladies!

And when retiring for the evening, don't forget, it is a wonderful night shirt.

The T-Shirt is versatile. It can be worn backwards or forward. When it is dirty, just turn it inside out.

Sloppy eaters may opt for T-Shirts of different colors, or ones with patterns. But beware! While the typical male eye sees only eight colors, those of the fairer sex have quaint notions about things "going together". Stick with white, it "goes" with everything. (or so I am told).

I am reminded of the immortal words of a lady who worked in my college cafeteria, seeing one of my roomates. She looked him over carefully, and they intoned, "CHECKS AND PLAIDS --- GET YO' S**T TOGETHER!" These words have haunted me to this day.

So pack that T-Shirt now.

okay, get two t-shirts, one white, one black... just in case u have to go to a dressy dinner... http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

KoNoNutz
...and you wonder why you can never get past the velvet ropes at the nightclubs in NY and LA. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

Slow down guys! I'm can't take notes fast enough!

From the way the bellman looked at me the last time I ran up and down the stairs for a workout, you'd think nobody else does it!

Great thread, I'm getting all sorts of tips.

Mine:

1. when you leave the cap off the toothpaste and can't find it and need to repack, use the shower caps they give you in those little boxes to wrap the toothpaste so it doesn't get all over your stuff.

2. bring one suit. Each night, wash it in the tub, wring it out and dry it in the shower. It'll look fine the next day!

3. Get a pair of those dark walking athletic shoes. They'll pass casually for dress shoes and you don't have to wear dress shoes this way.

Surviving your hotel stay

As we all know, guys are essentially mannerless slobs. How, then, do we survive in that most unnnatural of settings, the elegant hotel?

On Arrival

If you pack the way I do yet cannot afford to hire Sherpas, you have two choices: let the bellman haul your stuff in and up for you (and look like a wimp who can't manage his own stuff) or haul it in and up yourself (and look like a wimp when you sit down in the lobby for a little rest). You cannot win. On the other hand, if you arrive with just a carry-on, you will look like a guy who can't afford a lot of stuff (electronic gadgets, golf clubs, a unique collection of Hawaiian print shirts). You cannot win this way either. Hotel 1, Guy 0.

Check-in

Are you a member of the hotel's frequent guest program? Great. Except that since you're in the computer system, the hotel undoubtedly has a record of all your little eccentricities (the way you like to build little forts by unwrapping all the soap bars you get during your stay and sticking them together, the camcorder you left sitting on the TV and apparently pointing to the bed in your room at their Paris location, the brand of toupee tape you buy, the time the ambulance pulled up at 4am in Montreal and wheeled you into your room on a stretcher). That smile they welcome you with is definitely genuine. Hotel 2, Guy 0.

Your room

Yes, you are allowed to jump up and down on the bed, as long as you don't break it. You are also allowed to leave the toilet seat up. But there are many other pleasures to be found. If you prop it up, you can use the iron as a hot plate to warm up the leftover pizza from last night. You may use the coffeepot to hold the goldfish you bought to remind you of Flashy and Glitter back home. You may dump all the snacks into a drawer to use the basket as the goal in a game of Quarters (and then complain when the hotel charges you for the lot). Hotel 2, Guy 1.

The Restaurant: Relax. The hotel is not going to throw you out because your attire is not correct (although I wouldn't push it by showing up in swimsuit and flippers at the white tablecloth restaurant in the Oslo hotel in January). At worst, they will lend you a jacket to wear, which is great, because then you can order the lobster or crab in the shell, or slurp your spaghetti (they call it "pasta" in these places for some reason) without getting stuff all over your Chicago Bulls t-shirt. Hotel 2, Guy 2.

The fitness centre: Major bragging time. No matter how few weights you put on the machine or the bar, you can say this is your light day, since yesterday you were bench-pressing the Nautilus itself back in Hong Kong. None of these guys is a regular at your gym back home and they'll never know how much you can lift. If you happen to see somebody you know, tell them you were confused and thought it was marked in kilograms instead of pounds, and had divided by 2.2 to calculate how many to put on. Hotel 2, Guy 3.

The pool: You can definitely wear anything you want to the pool. Unfortunately, if you wear Speedos, people will see your beer gut and the way your butt looks like a mass of rising dough. If you wear boxer trunks, the first time you dive in, you will discover (1) how buoyant the fabric is, making you look like you've self-inflated and/or (2) how flimsy the drawstring is, making you look like you've, uh, self-deflated. If you wear anything else, you will look like you can't swim. And somebody will splash you and you'll find out how transparent your white pants are, as opposed to your underwear. Hotel 3, Guy 3.

Check-out time: In a hurry? Don't tip anybody during your stay. Not the maids, not the bellman, not the waiters, not the concierge. You'll be out of there so fast you'll get wind-burn. Hotel 3, Guy 4.

Gentlemen,

I must thank you for one of the most entertaining and educational threads seen on Flyertalk for many a month.

Keep the tips coming... :]

tree

islandcub: http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif ROFL!!!



[This message has been edited by belle3388 (edited 06-29-2000).]

What, belle, you think I'm joking?? http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

A Gentleman's Guide to Advances in Modern Travel

Remember when you were a kid, on vacation or going to a family function with your family? Remember what your father was like? He da man, right? I mean, when you were a kid, didn't you want to be just like him?

It's getting harder, though. Cars have map computers built in, people have gotten taller while plane seats have gotten smaller, and if there's a place where you can buy those polyester wash-and-wear stretching pants with the flared leg, I don't want to know. But for the first two items, and many others, here's a modern guide to travelling like Dad.

Driving: How do you figure out how to work this Never-Lost system in the rental car? What would Dad have done? Think. What did he say when Mom said "I think we're lost, dear. Why don't we pull over and ask for directions?" The modern day equivalent is to rip the darned map computer out and toss it out the window. Rule 1. Real men don't get lost. Rule 2. If a real man gets lost, see Rule 1.

Small seats: Have you noticed that everything's getting smaller? How does today's man deal with it? Plane seats - bring an inflatable cast with you and slip it on just before you enter the airport, then say you need a seat where you can stretch out, since obviously you can't bend your knee; negotiate for Business or First, but be willing to settle for bulkhead, and remember to wince in pain with every step whenever airline staff can see you. Cars - buy a big car, preferably a sport-utility. This has the added bonus of making you pay as much for gas as Dad did during the OPEC crisis. Pants: the solution is not, I repeat not those polyester wash-and-wear stretching pants with the flared legs. Trust me on this.

Internationalism: Your Dad probably didn't take you out of the country, so you never saw him deal with people who didn't understand your language. But I bet you saw him deal with people who didn't understand him despite his language. If you find yourself not understood faces in Cairo, Beijing, or the drive-through window back home, feel free to say everything exactly the same, only louder. Feel free to scream, if you have to. Cursing also helps, especially accompanied by those gestures your Dad picked up in the Marines.

Flight attendants: Mom might have covered your eyes when Dad, um, chatted with the stewardesses of yesteryear, but I bet you heard her fierce whispers, and by now I hope you figured out what he was doing. But now there are male and female FA's. What do you do? If you're gay and the male FA is gay, no problem. But if there is a mismatch of genders and/or orientations, you have two choices. If it's a he and gay, or she and straight, flirt anyway; you might just get that complimentary bottle. In all other situations, surrender gracefully; your partner sitting beside you will appreciate it, until next time you forget to take out the garbage.

Electronic check-ins: How the heck does this work, anyway? You're probably as mechanically gifted as Dad (the guy who managed to build a three-legged stool that wobbles). Just remember, screaming at machines works. In this case, if the kiosk doesn't respond, somebody from the airline will, and soon you'll be on your way to the gate, having by-passed the line ups but still gotten a human being to check you in.

Well for you gents traveling to Washington DC...

1) At check in, tell the concierge to put all calls from the White House thru immediately.

2) In the bar/restaurant/lounge/club start every conversation with "at Katherine Grahams the other night Al and Tipper said..." (or if your southern she is Mary Elizabeth).

3) In the elevator whisper into your cellphone "I told you **** it, burn the papers and get me the Senator".

4) Walk right in to Olives or DC Coast at 9PM Fri/Sat night and insist the Ambassadors office made you a reservation.

5) Walk past the bouncer at 1223 Conn without making eye contact, when stopped act surprised and a little offended as you are joining Michael Jorden and of course your name is on the list!

All you have to pack is a blue blazer(Franklin model - Country Road Australia), medium dark blue button down shirt(Brooks Brothers), khakies/dark grey trousers(Brooks Brothers or if you are in shape - Country Road again), black belt and black lace ups - (To Boot NY), solid mustard gold tie(someone will flip it over to check the label so be warned) and a Platinum American Express card to slap over the green's and gold's when your splitting the check for 3 pitchers of gold margarita's and nachos at Lauriel Plaza.

MG

Hey, I thought of a true one:

I was wearing a new pair of shoes on an IAD-SFO about a year ago. The shoes had given me blisters on the bottom of my toes and on the ball of my heel, and I was anticipating a lot of walking in the city by the bay.

So I'm in the first class lav draining the main vein and playing around with the cabinets when one falls open and spills these little boxes all over the floor. Lo and behold, foot problem solved!

The key, however, is to remember to remove 'em BEFORE you get home so that your wife/girlfriend/significant other/life partner/sheep is never placed in the position of having to ask you: "Matt, why are there two Stayfree Ultru Thins in each of your shoes?????????"

If you must wear sleepwear (pj's etc.) just use YESTERDAY'S SHIRT (Can be one of the two T-shirts referred to in another post). Saves carrying extra stuff in your carryon.

If really desperate and you decide to wash your hair on route (or other parts of your body) and don't pack a towel (why would you need to) you can also use the YESTERDAY SHIRT (or good cotton undies if really desperate http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif) as a makeshift towel.

[This message has been edited by BlondeBomber (edited 06-29-2000).]

Other tips 2: lip balm that comes in some overnight amenity kits on international flights makes a reasonably decent shoe polish.

Hey, I think those foot-pads also come in scented or deodorant, too, an added benefit for when you've got blisters or otherwise have that not so fresh feeling.

Watch out for the ones with wings, though. They get all bunched up under your arches.

[This message has been edited by FQTV (edited 06-29-2000).]

. . . oh and tanx cocopuffs for starting this thread--what a lark (but seriously, tried and true tips). MAN is really the MOTHER of INVENTION http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif

Start of another bad travel trend.
http://www.cnn.com/2000/TRAVEL/NEWS/06/29/omni.xrated.ap/index.html

man, i have not laughed so hard since i saw the griswalds go on vacation! http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

u men r sooo silly without us women around.... http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

great post, guys, keep it up! (errr, no pun intended http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif)

Save the nice mending kits from all your hotel stays. Usually if you qualify for Gold or Plat in any program, you should have sufficient material in any one qualifying year to weave a nice shirt (complete with buttons).

Never, repeat NEVER throw out the nice glycerin soap (you know, the transparent yellow thingees). When you save at least 100 grams, crumble into a clean glass bottle, mix gently with approx 12 grams of fuming nitric acid (and 7.5 grams of sulfuric acid if nothing seems to happen). ALWAYS keep the temp below 50 deg C (122 deg F). Put on the cap using EXTREME caution. Save in a quiet cool place until the 4th of July (USA citizens only) or whatever. To properly celebrate the 4th, tape any large firecracker (2" or more) to the bottle, light it and RUN LIKE H*LL !!! This can also be used to open your room safe if you forget the combination. Or the office safe too.

Always buy the "V" neck tee shirts. Wear frontward for casual occasions and turn it backwards for the formal occasions........or is it the other way around? I notice on COPS they wear them backwards.

Black toothpaste works great for reducing conversations from overly friendly strangers, covering spills on dark suits or spots on most wheeled luggage (ie the black kind). Oh, dont have black toothpaste? Make your own by mixing the common ordinary white stuff with the black gooey ink from an ink-jet printer. Cyan and red give more-striking but similar results.

Turn the hotel notepads over and rip off the pasteboard back and throw it away. Now you have a nice real MAN-SIZED notepad allowing at least 33% more space to write your incomprehensible notes on.

If you do not like your seatmate, or would prefer an empty seat beside you, always carry a deck of, hmmmmm........ nude-backed playing cards (I prefer the female kind). Pull them out, start playing solitare and PRESTO........an empty seat. (NOTE: this only works if the airplane is not totally full).

Another trick to get privacy is to chew 1 or 2 Alka-Seltzer tablets (this also saves the enviroment by not having to wash a glass). The resulting foamy mouth will quickly repell ALL strangers (and sometimes acquaintences too).

Woo-hoo, the fun continues! I don't think anyone's posted the common knowledge college trick of removing wrinkles by making a steam room of your shower and hanging the shirt/suit on the shower bar overnight.

And if you've got a keg in the shower, more power to ya! (Throw in a couple "fire in the hole!" flushes if you feel like it.)

-KP

PS If you're one of those who leaves the restaurant without paying, don't forget to keep the borrowed jacket.

Originally posted by gabbysz:
This one is my fave......never pay for drink out of the minibar.....vodka, gin bottles can be refilled with water, dark colored liquors with diluted coffee.....
This is EXACTLY why so many hotels now have the spy mini bar. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/tongue.gif Move a snickers and you get charged.

I often use the minibar fridge to put leftovers and stuff in.

I *never* drink or eat the stuff out of them. Those prices! They make movie theaters look like a bargain!

While I haven't been tagged from these spy-bars yet, I would be very pissed off if I got challenged on it upon check out.

[This message has been edited by FQTV (edited 07-08-2000).]

Actually I find the best tips under "For Women only! What are YOUR best travel tips?" http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/Forum94/HTML/001819.html

no kidding!

arturos tipp of the dey es:

whin yu walk up to geight an sea pirsin wiff screwdriver an flashlite on platform luukeng et enjin, chanj yur flite, or drenk a lot of screwdrivers.

arturo elso sey nevr chek yur chanesaw, elways putt et en overhed ben.

[This message has been edited by arturo (edited 06-30-2000).]

Originally posted by kidpachinko:
Woo-hoo, the fun continues! I don't think anyone's posted the common knowledge college trick of removing wrinkles by making a steam room of your shower and hanging the shirt/suit on the shower bar overnight.

-KP



KP,

I think this one belongs in the chick's thread. <g> It's too practical for over here.

Originally posted by essxjay:
KP,

I think this one belongs in the chick's thread. <g> It's too practical for over here.

These aren't practical? http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/confused.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

arturo, my beloved, and Rudi, my hero,

Thank you gentlemen so much for your posts. It is such a relief to see some persons of the male persuasion finally posting something sensible on this silly, silly thread. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif


OBTW, arturo, how do you get your chain saw through security? They always try to make me check mine. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/frown.gif



[This message has been edited by Punki (edited 06-30-2000).]

Punki: silly?--these are tried and true recipes from the manly stables--anyone who watches Red Green would surely know that these are tried and tested hints.

Scary thought huh http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif

Very important tip -- before eating from a snack-size bag of Doritos, always look inside the bag first.

punki, arturo yuse elektrick chane saw an have kno problim wiff sekurety kaus ther no powr en laptop outlits by seets. sekurety wuud knot let arturo kary-on hes gas chane saw kaus of the gas ensid et. arturo por out gas an git en reel truble.

------------------
amar, cuidar, honesto, inteligente, con empatia, creador, y dar.

The amenity kit bags are good for storing and organizing computer cables and gadgets.

The bags last much longer than the socks they hold, which are pretty stiff to begin with let alone after the third wearing cycle (inside and out).

Ditch the laptop and use your laptop bag as your only carry-on and load it with all of your stuff. When it is full, you are all packed.

f

BlondeBomber,

Thanks for the mention of Red Green. Hadn't seen that before, but PBS happened to air two episodes of it tonite. Absolutely right, a great show for men. Especially the prayer.

AHH, I knew that this day would come! http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif Okay here's a pratical trip that certainly does not belong in the girls forum. I have found that the pesky hotel smoke alarms go off when the HUGE CLOUDS OF CIGAR SMOKE drift lazly upward...go figure? Therefore before the EVIL hotel police come and drag you away because their smoking room is TOO SENSITIVE (apparently that wimpy cigarette smoke doesn't set off the alarm) here is how to beat the smoke detector. I know you doubters say "just open it and disconect the battery". How 1980's of you...now the hotels have the sealed all electric versions with infared or some such. In the closet there is a plastic laundry bag with plastic draw string loop. Step one, rip off platic drawstring (keep for step three). Step two put mouth of bag over smoke detector. Step three wrap previously removed piece off plastic around the bag (under the lip off the detector) and tie in knot. You should now have the detector enrobed in the plastic bag. You should not attempt to shorten the bag. It is important to have the two foot plastic hanging so that you will not forget to remove the contraption after the smoke clears. I kind of like having the detector working while i sleep! http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

Just hope you don't fall asleep while you are smoking . . .

Here's a new one: Never ever ever ever ever tell your wife the real reason you're going to Montreal at the end of July and missing cousin's birthdays/swim meets/etc. It may SEEM like she'll understand...but she won't...

Male Travel Anthropology 101:

If you just bought the latest, fanciest laptop, you MUST use it on the plane, even if you have nothing to do on it and must play Solitaire.

All sounds must be enabled and the volume turned up. Other males must notice the machine in order for you to be acknowledged as the Alpha Male.

Although the Captain (if male) might take exception...

OPUS17, VERY close. Not solitaire...it's always an action movie (like independance day) on DVD!!! http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

I learned early in my married life that it is best to "gross out" the old lady early when you both start traveling together. See Mrs. PfP's comments in the "For Women only" thread, then you never have to justify the why or where of your travel plans.

This wins for the most amusing thing I have ever read on Flyertalk, and just goes to show how witty, inventive & irreverent the men of Flyertalk are!

I have wrote a small poem in tribute:

When men travel alone,
With shoes of brown or bone,
Their clothes don't often match,
and hotel toiletries they would snatch.

But necessity is the mother of invention
and so their resourcefulness I must mention.
They use clothing multiple ways,
tee shirts, shorts & suits in navy & grays.

They try to camouflage their porn,
so their coworkers/wives don't scorn.
When one guy wanted to get it on,
a Doritos bag he used to be Don Juan.

Islandcub is witty & funny,
he knows his fashion and is no dummy.
FQTV & Opus17 make me smile
which hasn't happened in a while.

For all you who in fashion are clueless,
do not take a tip from the men in my office.
The engineers wear shorts with color striped tube socks,
with shoes for boating & the docks.

Thanks for all the useful tips,
I'll pass them along to my friends both cool & unhip.
So here's to the men of Flyertalk...
They may not know it, but they rock!

http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif for the poem

...a poem .... sorry, I'm getting too emotional here ... must hold back the tears, this is a macho thread, after all ....

Thanks, Karen, from your Silicon Valley neighbor. Never knew Intel people were so cool. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif (we need an emoticon with a tear)

opus17, reformed iRMX programmer.

I have been in towns where washing my underwear was very close to the cost of them---US$30 for 3 pairs and 3 t-shirts to have them cleaned.

Solution: FedEx.

Mail extra clothes (or an umbrella) to your hotel/client site in a nice FedEx box. Pack a return shipper in your carryon. If you need to use them, be sure to open them in private, but otherwise send them back unopened.

If an undesireable starts up a conversation, mention that you are going to city X to visit your boyfriend. Never mind that you are wearing a wedding ring, your seatmate will generally pipe down. In the unlikely situation that he starts flirting with you, tell him that you only go for _masculine_ guys (regardless of the fact that he could be Tom Selleck's brother), then compliment him on his nails.

Zipper plastic bags are also really useful. I pack 2 or 3 of the gallon size bags for smelly items and other things that I don't want loose in my luggage. I keep my foreign currency (including Susan B Dollars) in separate ziplocs in my laptop bag.

Take a shirt with extra starch with you--you can wear it for 3-4 days before any creases show.

Request a rental car with a CD player--this generally keeps you away from the bottom of the line models.

Don't bother looking for Spectravision in your fine European hotel--just check out the German channels after 11 PM. You can also get a lesson in German numbers by watching the ads during these shows...123456....

Try to visit the dining room when shifts change or 30 minutes before it closes. You have a much better chance of picking up the waitstaff if they are done working right when you leave.



[This message has been edited by chipper (edited 07-13-2000).]

Foget grocery shopping, just collect fruit, peanuts,pretzels...heck the guys at poker night really like the mixed nuts!

[This message has been edited by cigarman (edited 07-09-2000).]

Sorry, double posted on a slow modem.

[This message has been edited by cigarman (edited 07-08-2000).]

Ever get a hotel room right near those blasted soda vending machines? All night long, they shudder on and on as they cycle through their refrigerating process. Of course, other guests come along at 3am to purchase a Mountain Dew and you get to hear the can drop three feet through the bowels of the machine until it arrives in the dispensing slot.

What is an anti-soda drinking hotel guest to do? Simple....unplug the machine and tape an OUT OF ORDER sign to it. This always works except one time at a Holiday Inn south of Chicago where somebody replugged the machine. My revised, second sign solved the problem as it stated the machine was unplugged due to sever shock potential and fire hazard.

------------------
Addicted to airline miles? Check out: The Airline Mileage Workshop (http://www.mileageworkshop.com)

For Shame, MileageAddict!

A response similar to yours showed up in the Washington Post Travel Tips ( http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/travel/tips/index.htm ), and another reader suggested instead to just place a face towel in the slot to cushion the can in its slide to the bottom. As for the shuddering motor, wear earplugs? http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif

Mileageaddict/tribeflyer: This problem is exactly why I started bringing a sledgehammer with me whenever I travel. No one questions that the machine is truly "Out of Order" when there is a large gaping hole on the front of the soda machine right between the PE and the SI...

Now that the 4th of July is officially over for 2000, feel free to use the glycerin-soap/H2SO4/HNO3 tip nicely noted in my previous post. It will absolutely work on ALL noisy soda machines and also all noisy ice machines.

One other nice tip. The airline pillows are way too small for most normal use, and they will readily fall onto the floor if placed against the bulkhead while using a window seat.

SOLUTION.....carry a 18-24" piece of string with you and tie two of these soft little suckers together. Be certain to take the string off upon landing and save for reuse on your next flight (two rubber bands also will work but not nearly as well).

My rules for travel:
1. Always take the shampoo, soaps and lotion. Leave the conditioner.

2. When taking the above items, take them EVERY day (put them in one of the drawers or in your luggage. This way, the maids leave even more (and sometimes multiples). Great when you're staying at the top hotels where the items are top-line. I haven't bought shampoo or soap for home in over FIVE years.

3. When checking into the hotel, always request a free comp upgrade to the club level or to a larger room. If they decline or give a higher price - wait until you get to your room and request another room (complain about dirty room, etc.)

4. When flying, always board first. First on gets the luggage stowed neatly and safely.

5. American now has awesome blankets in 1st class for overseas travel (I keep it at home now and use for curling up in front of the tube. Of course, I made sure that I acquired a new one).

6. Carry two bags (a roll-on, Tumi) and then a computer bag (Ken Cole).

7. When travelling for more than a week, bring along clothing that you like, but haven't worn in a long time, wear and then leave it behind.

8. In your roll-away bag, the best way to pack shoes is to place them in the lower half of the bag, on their sides, with the heels placed in the corners (so that you can then pack your undies/socks/running clothing, toiletries around them).

9. Drink lots of water and red wine

10. Pilfer the stationary at the top hotels (unless they are part of a chain hotel). Nice conversation pieces placed in your own guest bedrooms or at your home office desk

11. Pack toiletries in a soft bag/pouch. Mine is from Brooks Brothers (silk outside (like a tie) and some sort of rubber/plastic coating on the inside).

12. First on board the airplane usually gets the pick of magazines (usually in the rear of the craft in the overheads).

13. I sometimes pick up what very liberal magazines/newspapers - and if I get seated next to someone who is rude/talkative, I pull it out and stare at the semi-nudes of the guys - that usually shuts them up.

14. If you don't succeed in your request to change a flight (w/o penalty), etc. call back and back and back.

15. Check to see what the hotel charges for phone charges. When in doubt, if you use your computer a lot, log-off after either 25 or 55 minutes and then log back on. Some hotels jack the rates up excessively for calls over 30/60 minutes.

16. Request down pillows

17. Request eastern exposure

18. When going out running or other physical activities, hide your room key on top of the exit sign, underneath a plant or ashtray in the hall, etc. That way, you never need to worry about losing your key.

19. Always request extra towells (I like to use them liberally).

20. I try to do weekend extenders whenever I travel - and then use mileage to get my partner there as well for the weekend.

21. When doing the weekend extenders, plan your meetings for Thur/Fri versus Mon/Tues (it is so depressing when your sig. other has to leave on Sunday and you're left alone..with only the memories and work....) http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/frown.gif

That's my input

------------------
AA EXex Plat

Found this thread while doing a search, and had to bump it. Great for some laughs.

Abe

------------------
The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?" - Ferris Bueller

Hilarious! http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/biggrin.gif

I was going to post some tips on creative uses of those ubiquitous plastic shower caps. (Do ya think maybe there is ONE huge factory on planet Earth, somewhere in China, that supplies the entire universe with these things?) http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/wink.gif

But then I realized that this is a humorous thread rather than a practical one. So I will save my shower cap tips for a more sober venue.

And no, I was NOT gonna suggest them as a last-ditch substitute for, uh, con... I mean, Doritos bags! http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/eek.gif


Kathy http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/wink.gif

If you do substitute them for Dorito's bags, remember to use soap as a Dorito-cide http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif

Kathy, what are you doing here For Men Only thread? http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/biggrin.gif

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by belle3388:
Kathy, what are you doing here For Men Only thread? http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/biggrin.gif</font>
Same thing you're doing!

Spying.... http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/wink.gif


Kathy


[This message has been edited by KathyWdrf (edited 02-17-2003).]

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by KathyWdrf:

I was going to post some tips on creative uses of those ubiquitous plastic shower caps. </font>

Sorry, can't resist this one...and it's not even a sexy application http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/frown.gif...but when I used to work in TV, the camera guys would steal every hotel shower cap they could get their hands on.

Apparently, they make great rain protectors for expensive camera lenses and eyepieces.

I thought they wanted them for con....er, Doritos bags.

All right, since we're now into the shower cap thing, here's another tip for their use. (This isn't REALLY a men-only tip, but rather unisex.) They are great for wrapping the extra food that you take from the breakfast buffet/club lounge/whatever. (Regardless of how you got in -- legitimately or by stealth!)

You know what I mean....the toasted bagel and cream cheese and that blueberry muffin that you're saving for a light lunch or snack later on. http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/wink.gif


Kathy

I use the shower caps on my head, of course - when sliding under the car to change the oil.

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by birdstrike:
I use the shower caps on my head, of course - when sliding under the car to change the oil.</font>

http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif
http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif
http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif
Overall this is the funniest thread of them all and even features some information. Some posts are terrific, hilarious...
Thanks and keep adding to this thread!

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by Punki:
OBTW, arturo, how do you get your chain saw through security? They always try to make me check mine. </font>

Not to add reality to this thread, but there was a glass case at AA SFO showing all of the things you can't check or bring on board, and on the top shelf, you guessed it, a chainsaw!

- Plat

I don't know why I never saw this thread til now...

Am I the only one who brings throw-away clothes on trips? For casual clothes, I bring old shirts and pants that don't fit anymore (I'm on a fitness kick now), or are just plain old. So before I head home, I toss out the offending items and fill my bag at the airport with fine wines and cigars or other items unobtainable in these United States.

Other tips:
When going out on prowl, make sure you hide your money well. Stash the cash in different places (socks, hidden pockets, belt stashes, etc.). This is good for two reasons. One, the hooker might not find them. Two, you might not find them after you get plastered. An added bonus: Months or perhaps years later, you'll find the bonus cash! Hopefully it will be a currency that is still accepted...**** those Europeans! I just two hundred French Francs in an old jacket. http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/frown.gif

Beach slippers: These smash up into a nice small package in your bag, but can be used at the gym or at the beach. No need to lug around sneakers.

There seem to be multiple suggestions to wear old clothes and toss them out as you go, thus avoiding having to launder them and making room in your luggage for stuff acquired on your trip.

However, wearing raggedy, ill-fitting clothes will probably get you spotted as an American. For some, this is undesirable:

www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/Forum11/HTML/009517.html (http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/Forum11/HTML/009517.html)


Kathy http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/wink.gif

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by KathyWdrf:
However, wearing raggedy, ill-fitting clothes will probably get you spotted as an American. For some, this is undesirable:</font>

Only in cities. Go outside the city in most any country (France, Italy, China, etc.) and most people wear raggedy, ill-fitting clothes.

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by stimpy:
Only in cities. Go outside the city in most any country (France, Italy, China, etc.) and most people wear raggedy, ill-fitting clothes.</font>
China -- often true.

France & Italy -- huh? http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/confused.gif (Are you sure it isn't all those danged American tourists you see in the French and Italian countryside?)


Kathy http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/wink.gif

No. I lived in Provence for two years. Despite the American ideal view of a Frenchman, the average Frenchman looks and dresses like a sack of potatoes.

The average Parisien is a different story.

While going through customs in Grand Cayman earlier this week..the official could not understand why I only had a toothbrush...I told her my swim trunks double as underwear http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif

------------------
MRKEY

When boarding, grab 5 pillows on your way to your seat. Use them for armrests, backrests, lumbar support. Hide them if needed while the FAs cruise doing their safety checks, then bring 'em out when the plane is safely aloft.

Always keep dental floss nearby . . .

1. Tying pillows together (a la MisterNice above).

2. Tying your luggage to your seat while sleeping in the terminal.

3. Tying your coat (hat, gloves, etc.) to you so that when you wake up as they are about to shut the plane's door that you don't leave them behind.

4. Slicing cheese, bread, or cakes (although its not too good for pies).

4. Replacement shoelace.

5. As an "accessory" for the shower cap. . .

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by TRRed:
Always keep dental floss nearby . . .

5. As an "accessory" for the shower cap. . .
</font>
http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/biggrin.gif

Or for the Doritos bag? http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/wink.gif


Kathy

[This message has been edited by KathyWdrf (edited 03-19-2003).]

A ziploc bag (esp the gallon size) works better than a Doritos bag

Bump. If you have not skimmed this, enjoy.

Just saw this thread. Another use for shower caps/sanitary napkin bag: to ensure shampoo/bath foam, etc bottles don't leak even when capped, cut out a small piece of the cap or bag, fit it over the bottle opening, and then put the cap on the bottle and screw tight.

Luggage covers like CarryRite for Hartmann luggage keeps your bag looking nice, clean and new even after years of travel and check-ins. If the cover gets ripped up or scratched, just tape up the damaged part with transparent packing tape. The chance that someone else will take your bag from the carousel is practically nil. Use a soiled hotel towel, wet it, and wipe down the luggage cover before you check out.

Always bring along some string, a small container of scotch tape, and a small stapler -- all very useful for work, repacking new purchases where the original packing or box can be tossed due to excessive space, or for other ideas shared here, like tying airplane pillows together. I prefer the blow up neck pillows myself, but in a pinch, I think you can stuff two pillows into one pillow cover, as they quite loose, and then you can get a good firm pillow.

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by MisterNice:
Spectravision, schermetrvision......here is how to beat that system. Call the front desk the next morning and say nicely "Oh, I awoke this morning and the TV was on all night. I musta fallen asleep while reviewing the movie previews. I hope I wasn't charged".
</font>

i stayed at a sheraton many years ago while in college and was amazed at the thin drivel that passed for porn on the hotel's spanktervision. the next morning while checking out i complained that the hotel's "porn" was incredibly soft core, and was about to go into explicit detail with ascending volume as to the nature of my complaint when the desk agent interrupted me to assure me that he would remove the charge from my bill. my display would have been much more gratifying than anything i had watched the night before and so i was mildly disappointed that he submitted so readily.

this thread is great!

read from the beginning and enjoy

learning can be fun!

http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif

Trade show survival kit: a cheap foam cooler from the local Quickee mart filled with juice, yoghurt and what have-you also from Quickee mart. In-room breakfast means an extra hour to sleep off last night's hospitality suite excesses.

Fedex your luggage to the hotel. ($120) Fly with carry-on only. Avoid the luggage carousel wait.

At IAD when there is a long queue for Washington Flyer taxis, go to the ARRIVAL ramp & grab a non-WashFlyer at the ramp exit. He would have to deadhead back to the city 'cause Washington Flyer has an exclusive contract to provide crappy service at IAD.

Sorry this post is practical instead of funny. Let me make amends. What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do? Lies awake wondering if there really is a Dog.

Wake Up Next To A Dead Hooker?

1) Immediately place the do not disturb sign on the door, then call down to the front desk and tell them you're sick--please no disturbances! Cancel any meetings or sales calls planned for the day.

2) You're going to need both inside and outside help--quickly.

3) Hopefully, your hotel has a strict drug-test policy for employees. This will mean that a large portion of the dishwashers and low-level kitchen help are coming from a half-way house work program. Work your way around to the back alley, where they'll be smoking. Pick out the one with the crudest prison tattoes and explain your dilemna, hand him several hundred dollars with promises of much more. He get the body out of the hotel and bring you a clean set of sheets so as not to arouse the suspicions of the housekeepers when they are finally let into the room. Now you need to get it as far away from the hotel as possible.

4) In the best case scenario, your new kitchen friend will have colleagues on the outside to take the body away. If not you'll need to hit the city's rougher neighborhoods looking for assistance--think visibly broken men whose very aura screams that their every dream and hope was long ago crushed. Head for the waterfront. Lacking a waterfront, hope that you're in Reno.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by csb:
Wake Up Next To A Dead Hooker?

Further hints and things to avoid:

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0124198/

A friendly bump to this exceptional thread for new and experienced FTers who should read the whole thread. Useful and amusing information. Did you ever wonder why some clublounges at hotels were so full ? What should you take from the hotel as a free gift ???

It is all in here. I made up my mind: This is my favourite thread!

http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif

The ULTIMATE travel aid is a press card. Okay, mine is legit, but there is no law against impersonating a journalist and you can probably make a very realistic looking one on your computer. Then just add your picture and get the thing laminated.

Not only will it serve to get you into many tourist sites for free, it will also get you excellent service at your hotel if you "accidentally" let them see it at check in. (A good way is to hand it to them instead of your credit card, look embarrassed, and then give them your Amex.)

If there is a convention in town, you can eat and drink for free almost anywhere by showing it at hospitality suites.

Warnings: Don't try to get into sports events with it, it won't work. Also, don't even dream of trying to crash a Presidential press conference unless you are looking forward to a few years in prison.

Never travel without duct tape!

I fixed everything with it: shoes, suits, rental cars...

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by Dovster:
The ULTIMATE travel aid is a press card. Okay, mine is legit, but there is no law against impersonating a journalist and you can probably make a very realistic looking one on your computer. Then just add your picture and get the thing laminated.

Not only will it serve to get you into many tourist sites for free, it will also get you excellent service at your hotel if you "accidentally" let them see it at check in. (A good way is to hand it to them instead of your credit card, look embarrassed, and then give them your Amex.)

If there is a convention in town, you can eat and drink for free almost anywhere by showing it at hospitality suites.

Warnings: Don't try to get into sports events with it, it won't work. Also, don't even dream of trying to crash a Presidential press conference unless you are looking forward to a few years in prison.

</font>

A friend of mine, in his younger days, worked for the Financial Times. He used to go around getting himself into places saying he was considering doing a lifestyle & entertainment piece. Oh... the parties we used to go to. ;-)

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by geo1004:
What's the issue? Anything forgotten can easily be borrowed from travelling companions. Toothbrush, socks, underwear, "protection", dental floss, deoderant... </font>

Thanks Geo but if you borrow 'protection' from me, don't bother to return it!! http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif

Come to think of it, that goes for most of the other things you listed. http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif


------------------
Da DOK

Take only a can of deodrant and aftershave / eau de toilette with you.

You can get everything else in your amenity kit, and dont take a hairbrush you'll either get a comb in your kit or it looks better to brush it with your fingers. The ready combed look is just sa-a-a-ad http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/redface.gif

I have passed on the pressurized cans of shave foam, which does not give the best shave. Takes up too much room, also.

After I found the Bodyworks Shave Cream in the Shorter tube gives the best shave EVER, the canned stuff is history. A little dab works well. Way less irritation. So SMOOOOTH!

Right now, am trying a long tube of AVEDA shave cream with many botanicals for home use. Still NOT as good as the Bodyworks.

As for deoderants, the Crystal sticks work the best with LONG shelf life. Nothing to dry out or get yucky! No smelly, either!

http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Another use for shower caps/sanitary napkin bag: to ensure shampoo/bath foam, etc bottles don't leak even when capped, cut out a small piece of the cap or bag, fit it over the bottle opening, and then put the cap on the bottle and screw tight.</font>
Why go to all that trouble? (You might not have scissors or knife handy anyway; I don't, since I do carryon only.)

Just wrap the potentially leaky bottle carefully in a shower cap or small plastic bag. Works for me! http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/wink.gif


Kathy

How are you suppose the other napkin in packing?

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by R&R:
How are you suppose the other napkin in packing?</font>
Huh???

http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/confused.gif


Kathy

Yet another use for that shower cap! Shower caps are great to put atop a bowl of rising yeast dough. As the dough rises and forms gasses - yes that's right - gasses- the shower cap will inflate and becomes a guage to when the dough has doubled. Now try to do that with a Dorito bag!

This may not make Martha Stewart's top ten hints.

[This message has been edited by ochocobluebird (edited Dec 30, 2003).]

That is what I said, when I read it! http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/smile.gif

HUH!

Just another bump to make sure this thread doesn't fall into obscurity. :D

is it just me or does the Doritos bag sounds awfully painful to use

is it just me or does the Doritos bag sounds awfully painful to use
Some people are into that.... ;)

Koko You are famous for this tip.


Don't want to waste your hard earned money on a stupid hotel?

Just stay up all night drinking and go staight to the airport in the morning.

BTW the FA's love when you do that. They think you are very charming. :eek:


:p :D

In all seriousness, in some cities, it's cheaper to buy new clothes than it is to have the hotel do the laundry...

No kidding! www.ChainReaction.com/france2001.htm#frenchlaundryunit

Basically, one FLU (French Laundry Unit) equalled something around $90 back in 2000. Things can only be worse (due to exchange rates) now...

That reminds me of one of my FAVORITE loooong meeting passtimes: Trying to intercept Palm beams. I once caught two coworkers dishing about their various exploits over the weekend during a budget meeting http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

I actually beam the word "smile" when I see a person playing with their palm at the airport, etc... I've met some cool people that way - actually got a date out of it once - She was in 14D, I was in 15A. :)

-Peter

i stayed at a sheraton many years ago while in college and was amazed at the thin drivel that passed for porn on the hotel's spanktervision. the next morning while checking out i complained that the hotel's "porn" was incredibly soft core, and was about to go into explicit detail with ascending volume as to the nature of my complaint when the desk agent interrupted me to assure me that he would remove the charge from my bill. my display would have been much more gratifying than anything i had watched the night before and so i was mildly disappointed that he submitted so readily.

I once watched a colleague take your complaint to the next level at a Hilton & Towers in an unnamed West Texas city. On the afternoon in question, I walked back to the hotel from the client site 40 minutes after he did, and saw him arguing with the front-desk clerk and the manager as I passed by on my way to the elevators.

When I came down to meet a couple of other folks for dinner 20 minutes later, my colleague was still at the front desk arguing and gesticulating. By now the hotel staff members had folded their respective arms and were grimly nodding their heads. As I approached to make sure everything was OK, I heard my colleague state, "All I'm saying is, you could see her butt moving up and down but then the screen cut off the rest. For $12 I expect to see some penetration."

I don't think he got the charge removed, but he certainly got twelve buck's worth of satisfaction watching the hotel staff squirm. :D :D :D

I don't know why I never saw this thread til now...



Other tips:
When going out on prowl, make sure you hide your money well. Stash the cash in different places (socks, hidden pockets, belt stashes, etc.). This is good for two reasons. One, the hooker might not find them. Two, you might not find them after you get plastered. An added bonus: Months or perhaps years later, you'll find the bonus cash! Hopefully it will be a currency that is still accepted...**** those Europeans! I just two hundred French Francs in an old jacket. http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/frown.gif



When searching for foreign currency this morning I found a jewellery case which had Italian Lira, which was substituted by the Euro in 2002, in it. The money probably was in that case for 20 years the way it looked and smelled.

Is there any chance to convert that money at the Italian central bank, at least the notes ?

Banks were only required to change francs and liras up to June 30th, 2002. From then, national banks will change the money in euro for 3 years (hurry up...) for change and 10 years for banknotes.

I don't know how the change could be done from abroad, but you should try and contact their respective ambassies for advice.

Sorry to add something constructive to this otherwise funny thread.

Thanks for your advice, I will try to let my bank arrange something because the amounts found are too significant to throw them away.

I am sure there will be a conversion fee.

Found this thread while reading the "win $500 for your best travel tips" thread and thought it merits a bump... I'd say that several of these tips are definitely top contenders for the $500. :)

http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/biggrin.gif

Or for the Doritos bag? http://www.flyertalk.com/travel/fttravel_forum/wink.gif


Kathy

[This message has been edited by KathyWdrf (edited 03-19-2003).]

Oh man, I am NEVER going to look at a bag of Doritos the same way again...

brilliant!

When boarding, grab 5 pillows on your way to your seat. Use them for armrests, backrests, lumbar support. Hide them if needed while the FAs cruise doing their safety checks, then bring 'em out when the plane is safely aloft.

Always keep dental floss nearby . . .
5. As an "accessory" for the shower cap. . .


and throw it out when done using the shower cap to make sure you dont use it for how it was intended....

<bump>
too darned funny!!

When you go to a hotel, ask the person behind the check-in desk what floors the water heaters are on. Get a room on one of those floors, or really close, so your water will get hot faster.

Hey, I think those foot-pads also come in scented or deodorant, too, an added benefit for when you've got blisters or otherwise have that not so fresh feeling.

Watch out for the ones with wings, though. They get all bunched up under your arches.

[This message has been edited by FQTV (edited 06-29-2000).]


The OP is correct. Wings are a very bad idea indeed. They get all bunched up even when these products are 'used as directed'. This wouldn't constitute a significant problem, except for the adhesive. -- :D

I think it's time for another bump of a humorous and informative thread, for the benefit of newer members who may have missed it and who may have new advice to share.

Stay healthy. Do not attempt something if you are in doubt.

As this very old thread has become one of more general humor as it has aged, please follow it in our OMNI forum. Ocn Vw 1K, Moderator, TravelBuzz.