WebCrawler
Sep 2, 00, 8:38 pm
This is my first trip report. May you never
be seated next to this woman.
Tuesday was not my day to travel. At 6:00 AM I left the comforts of my home and family to find that my driver was already late, it was painfully obvious that the Travel Gods were smirking at me. After a 15 minute phone call to the transportation company and a silly argument over whether or not the driver was in front of my building or not (driver swore he was at the right address and I was positive that there was not a car in the circle drive and so was my doorman) I was on my way to JFK. Traffic was ok and I was at JFK by 7:00 AM for my 8:30 AM flight to SAN. Seeing that the line was miles long and full of novice travelers, I went straight to the gate and checked in, switched to an aisle seat and waited for boarding. After I settled into my seat (11C on the 737-800 with middle seat open) I saw her. She can only be described as a travel train-wreck and my worst nightmare. She was 4 ft. something tall with luggage double her weight and size. I knew immediately that she was going to be seated near me – it would just be my luck and she ended up across the aisle from me. The rolling Travel Pro almost took my head off as she tried to heave it into the overhead. There was a lot of “Barbie groans” of helplessness and then finally a gentleman helped her. My rule – if I can’t lift it myself – I better check it. As a woman I was really very embarrassed by her routine and I just knew this was not the end. The other piece of luggage (besides the massive leather ball being passed off as a handbag) was a duffle bag full of beauty products (which I found out later by incident and not by choice). This duffle was the same size as the Travel Pro and was not fitting vertically under her seat. How she got away with keeping it there was beyond me. After she was settled we left the gate and had a ground hold of 30 minutes for traffic – too many planes wanting to go West. The train-wreck mumbled to herself about the delay and I was wishing that I had noise canceling headphones. We take off as promised and the captain tells us we are still on time for the 11:30 arrival. Great. This makes train-wreck happy. We are now ready for the breakfast service of AA French Toast or Cereal. The food was not thrilling but oh the events during the meal…….Train-wreck had packed a container of cottage cheese to have for breakfast. After complaining about the airline food (though she has her own) she proceeds to open it. Now, being the traveler that she is – she does not realize that pressure builds under the seal and does not know to stab it to release the air first and before I know it – I am wearing chunks of cottage cheese. In shock, I turn and stare at her and she GIGGLES and says, “Ooops, sorry. Didn’t know it would do that. Lucky you have some casual clothes on. I’d feel bad if you had like a suit on.” My first reaction is to strangle her until her head pops off. It is one hour into a 5 hour flight and I am wearing curdled milk product. Not wanting to be an air rage headline I look at her and say, “Perhaps next time you should poke a hole in the seal to allow air out and avoid showering your neighbor with cottage cheese regardless of her attire.” I have to stop there and turn on my CD player. I cannot say one more word to her. If I do I will verbally thrash her into a little mass of Gucci goo. I contemplate returning the favor with the Dannon cup on my breakfast tray but decide in the end that it would be punishment to me to have to hear her squeal about it all the way to San Diego. I pray for the strength not to stow her in the galley in place of a beverage cart and settle in to watch the movie, Center Stage. The movie is something my goddaughter would like but is better than a sharp stick in the eye or more cottage cheese to the head.
Halfway through the movie and flight my friend decides that she needs to use the First Class restroom but needs to re-apply her makeup with a trowel before she does. Estee Lauder lives in this bag. I am convinced. She takes 20 minutes for a 2-minute walk through First Class and manages to spray me with some sort of makeup finisher. I again refrain from reaction because I know I have to be in San Diego for business. I think to myself that if she is shopping First Class for a husband that she is striking out today. I saw no one board that could possibly be her type – but I never know nor do I want to. We get 45 minutes from SAN and in preparation for landing Le Train-wreck again performs her tribal ritual. Estee is out in full force and the end result resembles Tammy Faye Baker meets Twisted Sister. This is most likely exaggerated and a product of my sheer blinding anger toward this stranger. I assure you that I am really a nice person in real life. The icing on the cake comes when she pulls out a large spray bottle of apple-scented hair spray and showers my glasses and face with it.
I am now the apple scented cottage cheese curd who is lucky I am not wearing a suit and whom now sees the world through tiny spray dots on my glasses. I have never been so happy to land and I promptly shoot out of my seat once we are parked in order to get ahead of her. A wise move on my part and as I turn to pull the handle on my roll-a-board I do so just in time to see her fall under the weight of her 400 pounds of luggage and 200 pounds of makeup and notice that the culprit was her two and half inch heels.
The passengers behind her and forming a lynch mob and I walk happily up the jet-way.
be seated next to this woman.
Tuesday was not my day to travel. At 6:00 AM I left the comforts of my home and family to find that my driver was already late, it was painfully obvious that the Travel Gods were smirking at me. After a 15 minute phone call to the transportation company and a silly argument over whether or not the driver was in front of my building or not (driver swore he was at the right address and I was positive that there was not a car in the circle drive and so was my doorman) I was on my way to JFK. Traffic was ok and I was at JFK by 7:00 AM for my 8:30 AM flight to SAN. Seeing that the line was miles long and full of novice travelers, I went straight to the gate and checked in, switched to an aisle seat and waited for boarding. After I settled into my seat (11C on the 737-800 with middle seat open) I saw her. She can only be described as a travel train-wreck and my worst nightmare. She was 4 ft. something tall with luggage double her weight and size. I knew immediately that she was going to be seated near me – it would just be my luck and she ended up across the aisle from me. The rolling Travel Pro almost took my head off as she tried to heave it into the overhead. There was a lot of “Barbie groans” of helplessness and then finally a gentleman helped her. My rule – if I can’t lift it myself – I better check it. As a woman I was really very embarrassed by her routine and I just knew this was not the end. The other piece of luggage (besides the massive leather ball being passed off as a handbag) was a duffle bag full of beauty products (which I found out later by incident and not by choice). This duffle was the same size as the Travel Pro and was not fitting vertically under her seat. How she got away with keeping it there was beyond me. After she was settled we left the gate and had a ground hold of 30 minutes for traffic – too many planes wanting to go West. The train-wreck mumbled to herself about the delay and I was wishing that I had noise canceling headphones. We take off as promised and the captain tells us we are still on time for the 11:30 arrival. Great. This makes train-wreck happy. We are now ready for the breakfast service of AA French Toast or Cereal. The food was not thrilling but oh the events during the meal…….Train-wreck had packed a container of cottage cheese to have for breakfast. After complaining about the airline food (though she has her own) she proceeds to open it. Now, being the traveler that she is – she does not realize that pressure builds under the seal and does not know to stab it to release the air first and before I know it – I am wearing chunks of cottage cheese. In shock, I turn and stare at her and she GIGGLES and says, “Ooops, sorry. Didn’t know it would do that. Lucky you have some casual clothes on. I’d feel bad if you had like a suit on.” My first reaction is to strangle her until her head pops off. It is one hour into a 5 hour flight and I am wearing curdled milk product. Not wanting to be an air rage headline I look at her and say, “Perhaps next time you should poke a hole in the seal to allow air out and avoid showering your neighbor with cottage cheese regardless of her attire.” I have to stop there and turn on my CD player. I cannot say one more word to her. If I do I will verbally thrash her into a little mass of Gucci goo. I contemplate returning the favor with the Dannon cup on my breakfast tray but decide in the end that it would be punishment to me to have to hear her squeal about it all the way to San Diego. I pray for the strength not to stow her in the galley in place of a beverage cart and settle in to watch the movie, Center Stage. The movie is something my goddaughter would like but is better than a sharp stick in the eye or more cottage cheese to the head.
Halfway through the movie and flight my friend decides that she needs to use the First Class restroom but needs to re-apply her makeup with a trowel before she does. Estee Lauder lives in this bag. I am convinced. She takes 20 minutes for a 2-minute walk through First Class and manages to spray me with some sort of makeup finisher. I again refrain from reaction because I know I have to be in San Diego for business. I think to myself that if she is shopping First Class for a husband that she is striking out today. I saw no one board that could possibly be her type – but I never know nor do I want to. We get 45 minutes from SAN and in preparation for landing Le Train-wreck again performs her tribal ritual. Estee is out in full force and the end result resembles Tammy Faye Baker meets Twisted Sister. This is most likely exaggerated and a product of my sheer blinding anger toward this stranger. I assure you that I am really a nice person in real life. The icing on the cake comes when she pulls out a large spray bottle of apple-scented hair spray and showers my glasses and face with it.
I am now the apple scented cottage cheese curd who is lucky I am not wearing a suit and whom now sees the world through tiny spray dots on my glasses. I have never been so happy to land and I promptly shoot out of my seat once we are parked in order to get ahead of her. A wise move on my part and as I turn to pull the handle on my roll-a-board I do so just in time to see her fall under the weight of her 400 pounds of luggage and 200 pounds of makeup and notice that the culprit was her two and half inch heels.
The passengers behind her and forming a lynch mob and I walk happily up the jet-way.