QuietLion
Aug 20, 00, 8:59 am
Special Guest Star
The only thing that could have brought me to Houston in August was Danny and Jacey’s wedding. Hunnybear dropped me off at LAX in her black Cabrio convertible. I went to the 1K/First Class queue and watched as a Japanese family stood next to me at the mysterious Secondary Screening counter that no one was staffing. The father finally waved his ticket at one of the 1K agents and said “Special Screening?” The agent said, “Shuttle? Go down to the other end of the airport!” Confused, the man took his family and headed down to the Shuttle checkin. They were stopped by one of the red-vested line monitors and redirected to Secondary Screening but the man said the agent had sent them away so she let them go. Man, are they going to have some bad things to say about United when they get home.
Just then, a woman came to staff Secondary Screening but, having no customers because they were all checking in at Shuttle, she waved to me to come check in with her. She dutifully collected my certs and sent me to gate 66. Instead I went to the Red Carpet Club where the goodie basket was out of biscotti so I had to beg for some from the food-service staff. She first said they were out but then I asked if they had any more in back and she relented. “What kind you want?” she asked. “One of each,” I said. She brought out three. I ate one with a cup of decaf and saved the other two for the flight.
I arrived at gate 66 at the scheduled boarding time only to find a 757 at the gate where my Airbus 320 should have been. The crew was equally surprised. Just before departure time a beautiful blonde with bare midriff and extremely tight jeans arrived by herself and stood waiting. I wondered if she was a model—she looked familiar. After about five minutes the 757 pushed back but still no Airbus. Finally the plane arrived from the hangar and we boarded about five minutes before scheduled departure. We had a great flight attendant who did a preflight drink service instead of making the excuse that the flight was late like most of them do. It was a good thing, too, because the flight sat and sat and sat on the ground. The blonde took seat 1A. Normally I take 1B but lately I’d been avoiding bulkheads on Airbuses because of the short legroom and difficulty watching the movie screen so I was in 2C.
About a half-hour after scheduled departure the captain got on the PA and announced that they couldn’t find a push crew. Then the push crew showed up but they apparently “deferred a binding strap.” I said loudly that they should do that kinky stuff on their own time. Then the captain said they had forgotten to put the fuel cap back on and they were looking for one. The lady in 3B said she thought she might have one in her purse. Meanwhile the blonde in 1A had whipped out a movie script and was studying it. I looked at her again. Oh no. Could it be? I couldn’t wait to get up and check the manifest.
Finally we took off, 61 minutes after scheduled departure time. As soon as the seatbelt sign was off I got up and nonchalantly looked at the manifest. Sure enough. Charlize Thieron, one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood, was sitting on my flight. I had been taken with her in That Thing You Do! And Trial and Error. Seat 1B stayed empty but I couldn’t very well move at this point. I told the flight attendant it was Charlize Thieron. She offered to make up a story to let me move into 1B like the audio wasn’t working but I thought that would be tacky. I spent the rest of the flight practicing video poker and rehearsing what I was going to say to Charlize Thieron.
(Suavely) “Excuse me. You’re a movie star, aren’t you? Allow me to introduce myself. Bond. James Bond.”
(Seductively) “Miss Thieron? Forgive the interruption, but I just had to tell you…I admire your work very much.”
(Groucho) “Hey, if I told you you made beautiful movies, would you hold them against me?”
Breakfast was a choice of fruit and cereal or carbo sampler. I had the sampler. Charlize Thieron didn’t have anything but a glass of orange juice. The movie was Where the Money Is with Paul Newman. I thought it would have been amusing if they had been showing one of Charlize Thieron’s movies such as Mighty Joe Young or The Astronaut’s Wife. I had seen this one before on the 777 earlier in the month so I passed. The plane had laptop outlets but they were not turned on and apparently there was no switch on the video unit. Fortunately my battery lasted.
Charlize Thieron fell asleep but woke up to watch part of the movie. Being in the industry I guess she likes movies. I told the guy behind me that Charlize Thieron was on the plane.
We landed about 50 minutes late in Houston. The flight attendant apologized several times for the delay—the only one in the company totally blameless—and passed out bottles of wine to all the First-Class passengers, me first. Charlize Thieron took one too. When the seat belt sign went off I leapt out of my seat, determined to at least say something to the 25-year-old South African actress. She beat me out of the plane and I caught up with her outside the jetway. I was just about to open my mouth when she fell into the arms of a big buff boyfriend so I cast one last glance and headed onward.
The Hertz shuttle took about five minutes to show up but in the heat it felt like an hour. I was the only passenger so the driver made all the announcements to me personally. I had reserved a Taurus with Neverlost but there was a Mercury Grand Marquis waiting for me—an upgrade, I guess, but what a crappy car. The steering was mushy and the rear-view mirror bounced up and down the whole trip. I set the controls for Beaumont and headed to the wedding. I called Hunnybear and told her Charlize Thieron was on the plane. “Ooh,” she said, “She’s on your List of Five, isn’t she?” Yep.
Danny’s 22-year-old wife Jacey is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, with a disposition to match. I asked Danny if he was nervous and he asked why would he be? He’s just glad she’s going through with it. The ceremony was brief and we adjourned to a great reception in the Holiday Inn Beaumont Plaza (Beaumont actually has two Holiday Inns) with surprisingly good food. The cake was phenomenal. I figure if you have a beautiful bride and a great cake the wedding is a success. I told Danny Charlize Thieron was on the plane with me and his eyes widened. “You know,” he said—and I interrupted. “She’s on your List of Five, isn’t she?” “Yep.”
I headed back to Houston to stay the night at the Sheraton North Houston by the airport. Neverlost got lost and took the stupidest route imaginable but I finally got there. They had upgraded me to the top floor, Club level, although the club was not open on weekends. It was an ordinary moderate hotel with a two-line phone and a desk. No amenity but surprisingly they had a bathrobe. $53/night. Did I mention Charlize Thieron?
[This message has been edited by QuietLion (edited 08-21-2000).]
The only thing that could have brought me to Houston in August was Danny and Jacey’s wedding. Hunnybear dropped me off at LAX in her black Cabrio convertible. I went to the 1K/First Class queue and watched as a Japanese family stood next to me at the mysterious Secondary Screening counter that no one was staffing. The father finally waved his ticket at one of the 1K agents and said “Special Screening?” The agent said, “Shuttle? Go down to the other end of the airport!” Confused, the man took his family and headed down to the Shuttle checkin. They were stopped by one of the red-vested line monitors and redirected to Secondary Screening but the man said the agent had sent them away so she let them go. Man, are they going to have some bad things to say about United when they get home.
Just then, a woman came to staff Secondary Screening but, having no customers because they were all checking in at Shuttle, she waved to me to come check in with her. She dutifully collected my certs and sent me to gate 66. Instead I went to the Red Carpet Club where the goodie basket was out of biscotti so I had to beg for some from the food-service staff. She first said they were out but then I asked if they had any more in back and she relented. “What kind you want?” she asked. “One of each,” I said. She brought out three. I ate one with a cup of decaf and saved the other two for the flight.
I arrived at gate 66 at the scheduled boarding time only to find a 757 at the gate where my Airbus 320 should have been. The crew was equally surprised. Just before departure time a beautiful blonde with bare midriff and extremely tight jeans arrived by herself and stood waiting. I wondered if she was a model—she looked familiar. After about five minutes the 757 pushed back but still no Airbus. Finally the plane arrived from the hangar and we boarded about five minutes before scheduled departure. We had a great flight attendant who did a preflight drink service instead of making the excuse that the flight was late like most of them do. It was a good thing, too, because the flight sat and sat and sat on the ground. The blonde took seat 1A. Normally I take 1B but lately I’d been avoiding bulkheads on Airbuses because of the short legroom and difficulty watching the movie screen so I was in 2C.
About a half-hour after scheduled departure the captain got on the PA and announced that they couldn’t find a push crew. Then the push crew showed up but they apparently “deferred a binding strap.” I said loudly that they should do that kinky stuff on their own time. Then the captain said they had forgotten to put the fuel cap back on and they were looking for one. The lady in 3B said she thought she might have one in her purse. Meanwhile the blonde in 1A had whipped out a movie script and was studying it. I looked at her again. Oh no. Could it be? I couldn’t wait to get up and check the manifest.
Finally we took off, 61 minutes after scheduled departure time. As soon as the seatbelt sign was off I got up and nonchalantly looked at the manifest. Sure enough. Charlize Thieron, one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood, was sitting on my flight. I had been taken with her in That Thing You Do! And Trial and Error. Seat 1B stayed empty but I couldn’t very well move at this point. I told the flight attendant it was Charlize Thieron. She offered to make up a story to let me move into 1B like the audio wasn’t working but I thought that would be tacky. I spent the rest of the flight practicing video poker and rehearsing what I was going to say to Charlize Thieron.
(Suavely) “Excuse me. You’re a movie star, aren’t you? Allow me to introduce myself. Bond. James Bond.”
(Seductively) “Miss Thieron? Forgive the interruption, but I just had to tell you…I admire your work very much.”
(Groucho) “Hey, if I told you you made beautiful movies, would you hold them against me?”
Breakfast was a choice of fruit and cereal or carbo sampler. I had the sampler. Charlize Thieron didn’t have anything but a glass of orange juice. The movie was Where the Money Is with Paul Newman. I thought it would have been amusing if they had been showing one of Charlize Thieron’s movies such as Mighty Joe Young or The Astronaut’s Wife. I had seen this one before on the 777 earlier in the month so I passed. The plane had laptop outlets but they were not turned on and apparently there was no switch on the video unit. Fortunately my battery lasted.
Charlize Thieron fell asleep but woke up to watch part of the movie. Being in the industry I guess she likes movies. I told the guy behind me that Charlize Thieron was on the plane.
We landed about 50 minutes late in Houston. The flight attendant apologized several times for the delay—the only one in the company totally blameless—and passed out bottles of wine to all the First-Class passengers, me first. Charlize Thieron took one too. When the seat belt sign went off I leapt out of my seat, determined to at least say something to the 25-year-old South African actress. She beat me out of the plane and I caught up with her outside the jetway. I was just about to open my mouth when she fell into the arms of a big buff boyfriend so I cast one last glance and headed onward.
The Hertz shuttle took about five minutes to show up but in the heat it felt like an hour. I was the only passenger so the driver made all the announcements to me personally. I had reserved a Taurus with Neverlost but there was a Mercury Grand Marquis waiting for me—an upgrade, I guess, but what a crappy car. The steering was mushy and the rear-view mirror bounced up and down the whole trip. I set the controls for Beaumont and headed to the wedding. I called Hunnybear and told her Charlize Thieron was on the plane. “Ooh,” she said, “She’s on your List of Five, isn’t she?” Yep.
Danny’s 22-year-old wife Jacey is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, with a disposition to match. I asked Danny if he was nervous and he asked why would he be? He’s just glad she’s going through with it. The ceremony was brief and we adjourned to a great reception in the Holiday Inn Beaumont Plaza (Beaumont actually has two Holiday Inns) with surprisingly good food. The cake was phenomenal. I figure if you have a beautiful bride and a great cake the wedding is a success. I told Danny Charlize Thieron was on the plane with me and his eyes widened. “You know,” he said—and I interrupted. “She’s on your List of Five, isn’t she?” “Yep.”
I headed back to Houston to stay the night at the Sheraton North Houston by the airport. Neverlost got lost and took the stupidest route imaginable but I finally got there. They had upgraded me to the top floor, Club level, although the club was not open on weekends. It was an ordinary moderate hotel with a two-line phone and a desk. No amenity but surprisingly they had a bathrobe. $53/night. Did I mention Charlize Thieron?
[This message has been edited by QuietLion (edited 08-21-2000).]