Women Travelers - Traveling Moms

I was just wondering if there were any/many frequent traveler moms out there. I travel a lot for work and I find that the disapproval level from people, especially women, tends to be high. Some are supportive, but others make disparaging remarks I know they would not make of my choices if I was a man.

I like the freedom we have with me as a contractor, I can work for three months, spend a month at home, have three days off a week at home with the kids etc. No, I don't always like being away on a trip, but sometimes I do, I appreciate the kids more when I get back. Plus, I have a great husband with a very flexible position, that helps.

Would just love to hear some of your experiences if you are out there.

I was just wondering if there were any/many frequent traveler moms out there. I travel a lot for work and I find that the disapproval level from people, especially women, tends to be high. Some are supportive, but others make disparaging remarks I know they would not make of my choices if I was a man.Mothers are primary care givers of especially young children thus the onus is typically on them. For anyone to judge you, however, invites you to judge them right back. It's in poor taste to say the least to criticize others. But if attacked, you've got to stand up for yourself.

I like the freedom we have with me as a contractor, I can work for three months, spend a month at home, have three days off a week at home with the kids etc. No, I don't always like being away on a trip, but sometimes I do, I appreciate the kids more when I get back. Plus, I have a great husband with a very flexible position, that helps.You don't owe anyone an explanation about how you and your husband raise your children. Shut them up if they start. I'm sure you can come up with something pithy. ^

Would just love to hear some of your experiences if you are out there.I'm 41 and am often asked (especially outside of NYC) why we don't have children. Are you kidding? What dummy asks that kind of personal question? I don't respond and if I'm not trying to win that person's business, I'll answer her question with a question directed at her personally. It shuts her up.

Mothers are primary care givers of especially young children thus the onus is typically on them. For anyone to judge you, however, invites you to judge them right back. It's in poor taste to say the least to criticize others. But if attacked, you've got to stand up for yourself.

You don't owe anyone an explanation about how you and your husband raise your children. Shut them up if they start. I'm sure you can come up with something pithy. ^

I'm 41 and am often asked (especially outside of NYC) why we don't have children. Are you kidding? What dummy asks that kind of personal question? I don't respond and if I'm not trying to win that person's business, I'll answer her question with a question directed at her personally. It shuts her up.
While you should stand up for yourself, I'm not a fan of being snarky to people in dealing with their inappropriate comments.

If someone questions you, I'd suggest just saying, "Thank you for your concern, but I'm not here to discuss my family. I'm here to work on X project."

Mr. Kipper and I don't have kids, and we're asked pretty regularly why we don't have kids, and if we're going to have kids. I've found that there's nothing to be gained by responding negatively to someone's question. It usually just upsets them, and while the goal may be to have them realize that it's not an appropriate question, they very rarely learn that. Instead, I simply say that we've decided that we enjoy the freedom we have now, or that in our case, our dogs are our kids, except that we don't have to pay for college for them. :)

I'm a travelling mom and have been for quite a few years now. You definitely get comments from all sorts of people, especially when the kids are younger. I just had someone ask me this week how I can possibly travel with two children. I told him tongue in cheek that as they are now 9 and 11 they are perfectly able to take care of themselves.

I find that it gets better as the kids get older, there are far fewer comments along the lines of "oh, I could NEVER leave my kids". Interestingly as well, we've just moved to a city where many of the parents at the school are in foreign affairs or the military, and there is a lot more understanding for travelling parents.

Often when getting the inquisition on "how do your kids feel about your travel", I will say that while they obviously miss me while I'm gone, they enjoy the benefits of being able to go on family vacations to London, Paris, Prague and elsewhere. That seems to work quite nicely :)

While you should stand up for yourself, I'm not a fan of being snarky to people in dealing with their inappropriate comments.Standing up for yourself as someone tries to tear you down is not snarky. Asking him the exact type of question you are asked is showing him how inappropriate such questions are.

Mr. Kipper and I don't have kids, and we're asked pretty regularly why we don't have kids, and if we're going to have kids. I've found that there's nothing to be gained by responding negatively to someone's question. It usually just upsets them, and while the goal may be to have them realize that it's not an appropriate question, they very rarely learn that.Your fear of upsetting those who upset you may be why they "rarely" learn not to ask personal questions. Ask the same kind of question back and you'll find that person learns never to ask you personal questions.

Instead, I simply say that we've decided that we enjoy the freedom we have now, or that in our case, our dogs are our kids, except that we don't have to pay for college for them. :)Your choice to do so but you don't owe ANYONE an explanation of how you and your husband live your lives.

Standing up for yourself as someone tries to tear you down is not snarky. Asking him the exact type of question you are asked is showing him how inappropriate such questions are.
I was always taught two wrongs don't make a right, and I think that fits here perfectly. Presuming your understanding of of "inappropriate" is universal is as wrong as the original question; in some cultures/areas asking such questions is considered "expressing a friendly interest" or even part of the job screening process. When I was working for a multinational firm, all of the resumes I received from European applicants included marital status and number of children. My French boss always asked job interviewees about their family, and never quite got the idea that such questions offended some Americans.

Unsolicited parenting advice is also a cultural concept - quite a few Chinese or Indian grandmothers that I know consider it their responsibility to "help" mothers of young children. A smile and a non-conmittal answer have always served me well in those circumstances.

Being a parent of multiples I'm used to inappropriate comments, personal questions and lots of parenting advice, some (advice, not inappropriate comments or personal questions) I was thankful for, actually.

Most times I hope I handle the situation gracefully, though not always, by now I have a list of canned responses to the most frequent comments and questions.

I guess I was more seeking some interaction with and/or support from other FlyerTalkers who are also moms. Our experiences may be somewhat different than that of FF dads.

not sure if I understood - you are away for 3 months at a time? maybe people are curious since this does seem very unusual

I'm really glad to see this thread- am currently the working/ traveling spouse and wondering how kids would fit into the traveling equation (IF) they do. I already work in a very male-dominated industry, so I can only imagine some of the remarks and judgment I will get if I do choose to travel with children. Who knows, but I'm glad this thread was started!

not sure if I understood - you are away for 3 months at a time? maybe people are curious since this does seem very unusual

I travel 3-4 days per week and am home 3-4 days per week. I usually take contracts that last around 3 months at a time, and prefer to take time off between contracts.

Lots of military parents are gone for more than three months at a time and they don't get to come home at all, I'm not sure it's unusual. I feel fortunate that I am home several days a week with my family.

I was always taught two wrongs don't make a right, and I think that fits here perfectly. Presuming your understanding of of "inappropriate" is universal is as wrong as the original question; in some cultures/areas asking such questions is considered "expressing a friendly interest" or even part of the job screening process.In this 'culture' (USA), it is ILLEGAL to ask about a candidate's plan to have children in a job interview. But this thread isn't about job interviews. It is about being asked a personal question. When asked, you ask right back. Nothing offensive there unless you intend to be snide. In fact, it can open the eyes of the inquisitively nosy person to perhaps think twice next time before judging others in the form of a question.

Unsolicited parenting advice is also a cultural concept - quite a few Chinese or Indian grandmothers that I know consider it their responsibility to "help" mothers of young children. A smile and a non-conmittal answer have always served me well in those circumstances.I am assuming that the OP wasn't dealing with a Chinese or Indian grandmother. Call me crazy but that's my assumption. :p

I've had older Tanzanian colleagues ask me when I'll have children/why I don't have them, and where I go to church (the answer to both is "no thank you") and Kyrgyz men pull pens out of my left hand and place them in my right (my handwriting is bad enough with my natural left handedness, thank you....) I try to be polite, understanding cultures are different- but I've been known to vent a bit via email to my husband:rolleyes: I guess that's the key when you work in a global environment - maintaining the balance between not pissing off or offending your colleagues, but never apologizing for your own choices and the way you live your life. Never seems to be easy, no matter what your choices have been.....

In this 'culture' (USA), it is ILLEGAL to ask about a candidate's plan to have children in a job interview. But this thread isn't about job interviews. It is about being asked a personal question. When asked, you ask right back. Nothing offensive there unless you intend to be snide. In fact, it can open the eyes of the inquisitively nosy person to perhaps think twice next time before judging others in the form of a question.

I am assuming that the OP wasn't dealing with a Chinese or Indian grandmother. Call me crazy but that's my assumption. :p
Let's see, you repeatedly condemn others as "inquisitively nosy" - see above, or judgemental, above and post #2 - "anyone to judge you" or a put-down - post #5 "someone tries to tear you down" - and then your advice is to descend to that same level and dish it right back, as if such a response was a justified educational strategy - post #5 "showing him how inappropriate such questions are."

Somehow, I doubt the result of this will give the desired result. I suspect such behavior will merely serve to give the asker a rather negative opinion of you.

Does it hurt to give people the benefit of the doubt and be courteous?

Could we please return to the topic of this thread? Are there any FlyerTalk moms out there interested in sharing support or experiences together?

Here's something I just started doing when I travel for work....I just got on the Skype bandwagon. I recently got a new laptop with a built in camera and worked with my husband to install the drivers and what not to do video calls on Skype. It was really great to use, I was surprised! Fairly easy too, as long as the internet connection is good on both sides. Watching the kids in addition to talking to them was huge, and I think they got a kick out of looking at me too.^

Here's something I just started doing when I travel for work....I just got on the Skype bandwagon. I recently got a new laptop with a built in camera and worked with my husband to install the drivers and what not to do video calls on Skype. It was really great to use, I was surprised! Fairly easy too, as long as the internet connection is good on both sides. Watching the kids in addition to talking to them was huge, and I think they got a kick out of looking at me too.^

I love Skype too! Do you use it on your smartphone as well? I use the FaceTime feature on my iPhone but hate that I have to be somewhere with wifi so was thinking I'd try the Skype app since it works so well on the laptop.

I find the kids are more willing to chat when they can see my face, plus they love to see my hotel room, look out the window, check the weather from the window where I am staying etc. They can even read me books and I can look at their homework over Skype. I am really thankful for it. ^

Something that was always nice when my father was away was that he'd bring back some sort of present for us. It could be a small toy or a book, but we knew he thought about us when he was gone, because he'd bring that.

A female friend of mine used to be the road warrior while her husband had the more flexible job and was Mr. Mom. Financially, family balance, and job interest wise, it really worked out for them.

She observed that flight attendants seem to help "single" dads who travel with children more than single moms with the children. It annoyed her that the FA's seem to think Dad's can't take care of the kids and handle luggage at the same time like the mom might be able to. Her husband was annoyed with this observation, too, for similar reasons. Her kids are awesome kids (even now as teens); they are interesting conversationalists, polite, well behaved, and fun.

Could we please return to the topic of this thread? Are there any FlyerTalk moms out there interested in sharing support or experiences together?

I'm a traveling mom; used to travel a ton but have scaled back since my oldest was born, 4.5 years ago. I don't recall many disapproving comments, but maybe I just brush it off. I do get questions along the lines of "how do you do it?" but they seem to me more curious/envious, and I'm always quick to give lots of credit to my husband (and partner-in-crime) who does more than his fair share (but don't we all?) In my line of work, I don't think it's unusual for one partner to work/travel quite a bit and leave the other to juggle the kids; it's just that it's usually the father - but I don't let that bother me and I tend to ignore those who think there's anything unusual about my situation.

I have also started Skyping (was using it constantly in the office, so why not.) It's actually been great for keeping my older son entertained before bedtime (if the time zones work out) as I can actually "read" him a story while DH puts the toddler to bed (otherwise he's trying to juggle both kids.) I do have to squint and rely on memory a bit!

I also started out buying too many guilt-reducing gifts for them, til my DH told me to stop or the kids would come to expect something every time I came home - so now I limit it to longer trips.

You mention traveling w/the kids also - you might come over to the Travel with Children forum as there is a good community of parents over there, who also travel a lot without their kids! :)

Welcome!

I also started out buying too many guilt-reducing gifts for them, til my DH told me to stop or the kids would come to expect something every time I came home - so now I limit it to longer trips.

You mention traveling w/the kids also - you might come over to the Travel with Children forum as there is a good community of parents over there, who also travel a lot without their kids! :)

Welcome!

Thanks!

I fell into the frequent gifting trap at first too! Then the kids did get expectant, even though they were just little nifty gifties. So, I started bringing home a package of cookies from a lounge, or breakfast bar from the plane snack basket etc. instead. This went on for some time, finally last week my daughter said, "mom, do you think we could have a little something that's not food sometime please?"

Thanks for the tip re. the Travel w/Children forum!

I'm sorry to intrude, but I just wanted to point out that as a man who is very involved in the upbringing of my three children, together with an incredibly supportive and patient wife, I too get many comments regarding my travel schedule and choice (it is a choice ultimately) to be away from home so much.

I get this attitude from all manner of people; men, women, politicians and C's down to PM's and consultants, down to servants, cooks and drivers. The frequency of comments and level of concern expressed is greater in Asia and the Muslim countries, where an active and involved family life is, culturally speaking, a top priority, and where if one appears to be detached from ones family, it is considered noteworthy.

Just my $0.02.

I'm a working mum with 6 kids & travelling for work definitely gets easier as they get older ... they're now aged 16 down to 9, and becoming much more self sufficient ! As "sucheng" said earlier, most of the comments I get are "how do you do it ?" type questions, although the odd judgmental comment gets thrown in and I usually just ignore it, much as I ignore all the other comments being a parent of 6 usually provides.

No, it's not easy juggling parenting with work & travel, but if you have to do it then you just find a way ... I'm fortunate in that my travel is generally only for a few days at a time, albeit once or twice per month. On the other hand, my husband usually travels for several weeks at a time, 2-3 times per year ... Skype is definitely a wonderful thing for us all !

When my kids were younger I had a full time nanny employed so that they had the stability of routine irrespective of whether either my husband or I were away, then once they were in school I went to a part-time (3-7pm) nanny for the same reason ... now that they're older we no longer do this, and they're pretty good about keeping their normal routine going around us.

I always pre-cook meals to ensure they can eat decently while I'm away, make sure the pantry is stocked and washing is up to date, try and avoid travelling around dates that are important to them (ie, sports day or something at school), and religiously update our communal calendar ... that said, with a large family these things have to happen anyway, so generally it's not that much more work than normal for me - we live by calendars & charts (especially the meal planners) !!

Personally, although I know there are times my kids hate it that I'm away AGAIN, I don't necessarily think its a bad thing that kids learn that responsibilities and commitments have to be upheld ... I work in a family business so simply don't have any option but to travel to run the business, even though there are plenty of times that I'm sick to death of it too (that oh-so glamorous life that people think you lead - ha !!)

The comments from the kids themselves are much harder to take than from a stranger, and as they go through their various stages they can engender the "working mother guilt" in spades - however, it is nice to know now that a couple are hitting 15/16 that they do get past "hating me for going away again" and realising that it's simply part of life and what we all have to do !

Louise

I remember when a friend of mine with two young boys got a new job that would see her away from home 2-4 nights about 3 times each month. Many 'friends' uttered comments that some of you mention (how could she leave her children, selfish, etc). I commented back that if her husband had got that job everybody would congratulate him, not put him down or judge him and his parenting. That shut them up :D

The friend in question was now doing a job she loved, and the days when she wasn't away she was at home all day for a lot of the days so on balance she spent the same amount of time with her sons, and got to see everything from breakfast to bedtime when she was having a 'home' day - many working parents struggle with that many days I imagine?

No kids, but I remember reading somewhere on the i-net (or maybe even in this forum) some folk send postcards to their kids when on the road; the postcard is addressed to the child(ren). Or have a map w/ pins where 'mom/dad' are traveling so they can kind of follow along.

Also, Skype has got to be one of the greatest inventions for people who are traveling, whether it's keeping in contact with spouses, kids, parents, friends & relatives.

Cheers.

I remember when a friend of mine with two young boys got a new job that would see her away from home 2-4 nights about 3 times each month. Many 'friends' uttered comments that some of you mention (how could she leave her children, selfish, etc). I commented back that if her husband had got that job everybody would congratulate him, not put him down or judge him and his parenting. That shut them up :D

The friend in question was now doing a job she loved, and the days when she wasn't away she was at home all day for a lot of the days so on balance she spent the same amount of time with her sons, and got to see everything from breakfast to bedtime when she was having a 'home' day - many working parents struggle with that many days I imagine?

I think that is a harsh reality, women are judged by a different set of standards. Society is also quick to judge men by the yardstick of whether they are good providers, while ignoring other factors which isn't fair to them either.

I love being home all day a day or two a week taking my kids to school, picking them up, going to the waterpark in the summer. I never was able to do that when I had a "regular" job. I barely got an hour with them before it was time to put them to bed.

I also have to say that it is super sexy to see how capable my husband is as a dad and partner with me. He can bring home the bacon duh nah nah nah, fry it up in a pan, etc. There is nothing like coming home from a trip to a clean house, my beautiful kids asleep in their beds and a basket full of folded laundry to turn me on. ;) It's not all positive but there are some good things.

So here's a current dilemma I'm facing, that is really a work-life issue for parents, and many others in general: What do you say when approached by a headhunter about a job that clearly involves more travel than you will accept (whatever that figure is)?

Do you turn them down right away, citing the excessive travel requirement? Or do you string them along a bit, hoping to work around that requirement later?

FYI, for my current job, I started informal discussions with them before knowing the details of the travel requirement. When it got close to an offer, I pushed back on the stated requirement, and we negotiated a lower limit before I accepted the job. (With two little kids - or one at that time - I was not willing to travel 25% and we agreeed to 1-2 trips per quarter).

But in my field, it is often stated right upfront (e.g. 25% travel) quite unambiguously, so it seems it would be naive to ignore it and "hope". Anyone else have experience dealing with this recently?

This is more of a tip but it really does help them settle at night, which is the hardest time. Or recording yourself reading a story that they can listen to in the event that you are unavailable.

I can't resist the travel treats but try to keep them under 4 bucks.

So here's a current dilemma I'm facing, that is really a work-life issue for parents, and many others in general: What do you say when approached by a headhunter about a job that clearly involves more travel than you will accept (whatever that figure is)?

Do you turn them down right away, citing the excessive travel requirement? Or do you string them along a bit, hoping to work around that requirement later?

FYI, for my current job, I started informal discussions with them before knowing the details of the travel requirement. When it got close to an offer, I pushed back on the stated requirement, and we negotiated a lower limit before I accepted the job. (With two little kids - or one at that time - I was not willing to travel 25% and we agreeed to 1-2 trips per quarter).

But in my field, it is often stated right upfront (e.g. 25% travel) quite unambiguously, so it seems it would be naive to ignore it and "hope". Anyone else have experience dealing with this recently?
I'd talk to the headhunter and explain that the travel requirement for the job is a bit much, and ask if it is negotiable. The headhunter can go back to their client, and inquire if the travel requirement is flexible at all. If it is, then you can pursue the position. If it isn't, then you know to decline.