US Airways Dividend Miles (Pre-FlightFund Merger) - Exciting new marketing plan

JOKE MARKETING ANNOUNCEMENT.

We at *** Airways are pleased to announce the latest in our series of in-flight service enhancements.

1. We realize that not all passengers need, or even want, to use the jetway. In order to make these passengers' experience more enjoyable, we will be providing a rope ladder out of the back door of the aircraft. We will continue to offer jetway use for a small extra fee.

2. We appreciate how frustrating it can be for passengers to wait for their baggage to arrive at baggage claim.
We are pleased to announce a new revolutionary service! All hold baggage will be placed outside of the aircraft on the ground. Baggage will be placed into two sections, cheaper and more-expensive. Passengers can simply chose the baggage that they like the look of. Obviously, we will make a small charge for baggage selected from the more-expensive aisle.

3. We are constantly looking to improve our inflight food and beverage service and have had long and hard to beat our current red wine offering of "vin de table". I am sure that you will agree when I say that no other international carrier offers this calibre of wine.
In order to enhance your experience further, we will be provide one "super" wine that is neither red nor white, dry or sweet. Obviously, we will need to add a little surcharge to cover the extra costs occurred with a wine of this stature.

4. Finally, we realize that the larger seats on in transatlantic envoy class are a little too large for many people. In an effort to make everyone feel welcome aboard we will be replacing our current envoy class seats with the ones currently in economy class.
To facilitate this change, we will be replacing the seats currently in economy with the finest of white plastic seating from Home Depot's new "garden in the air range". This new seating arrangement will allow our economy class customers a new feeling of cleanliness and comfort unrivalled in the industry.

I am sure that you will agree that these exciting new programs will further the new direction that we have been following over previous months.

Mr IDO N.T Car'e
Customer Services Director

Welcome to FT, but please note that we don't like to joke around here. Serious posts only. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif

Customers have told us increasingly the most important thing is to get to their destination on time, and that they don't want to pay for other unnecessary services or frills. Therefore, based on customer feedback, we will elliminate beverage service on board flights of less than 2 hours. Customers tell us on these shorter flights that beverage service is not a decisive factor, and thus they are being elliminated to reduce costs. We will not raise fares on these flights for the convenience of customers. We will offer 5 oz bottles of water for a nominal $5 charge for those customers who still desire beverages. US Airways begins with you.,

We realize that not all USAirways customers like the plactic cups we serve our 'fine' wine in. So beginning October 1, 2003 customers are able to bring their own wine glasses for a nominal 'glassage' fee of $5.

Also...now added to the worldwide issue of when to tip and when not to tip, any request made by passengers of US flight and desk staff should now be accompanied by a cash gratuity. While this does change the paradigm of upgrade availability, it will benefit all passengers by providing clearer reasoning for preferential passenger treatment. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif