Yesterday I brought a puppy home.

I showed up at the airport (IND) 90 minutes early, checked in, paid $100 to ship him as baggage (he's a bit too big to go under the seat) and handed over the carrier.

I was misled into thinking that the IND TSA staff had taken a dose of reasonable pills. Rather than checking my ID & BP 3 times in ten feet at security they only asked twice.

For those who haven't had the pleasure -- standard procedure at IND is for one of the 2 people sitting at the head of the line to check your ID & BP -- just like at every other airport in the country except that it takes two of them to handle the crowds. Then you walk about 5 feet to the table where you pull out your laptop and put your stuff on the conveyor. Yesterday the TSA person at that station did not ask for my ID & BP -- this is the first time in months that that hasn't happened. Finally you go another 4 or 5 feet to the metal detector where you must not approach the red line on the floor without permission and where you once again display ID & BP (just in case the body snatchers get you when the guard blinks...) Sometimes they even use a marker to put check marks on your BP. I'm not sure what that's all about -- maybe if they make the mark wrong or use the wrong color the next guard in line will know that the body snatchers got a guard?

So they only pestered me twice. Things are looking up! I went to the club. I should have known that balance would be restored.

Then I board the plane. Sit down in 1C, get comfortable, start reading a book... life is good, the plane is full they're about to shut the door and push back -- maybe even on time. Then I look up -- the gate agent is standing there and wants to know if I'm the customer with a puppy?

"Yes."

"Can you come with me?"

So I get up and we go out onto the jetway. Naturally I'm thinking that something horrible has happened.

The agent explains that the TSA needs me to go back to security so that they can screen the puppy carrier (this is a standard pet carrier -- you've seen them...) Then he gets on the jetway phone. Nobody seems to know just exactly where they need me to go. Apparently the agent and I are just supposed to magically figure it out. Meanwhile 120 or so people are twiddling their thumbs and probably thinking that a dangerous terrorist has just been pulled off the plane -- or something.

You'd almost think that nobody has ever brought a pet through IND before...

Finally we head up the jetway to try and find someone who knows something. Another gate agent takes me downstairs to the baggage handling area (can terrorists sign up for a tour of these areas? Or does the TSA just sell maps to properly registered terror organizations?)

Down there we find a room full of TSA types standing around my puppy carrier. "What's the problem?" I ask. "We need your permission to search it." "So do it!" I say. Well it turns out that I need to take the puppy out so that they can search it... Why they couldn't just say that is beyond me.

So I take the puppy out and the usual highly detailed and deeply meaningful TSA probe ensues -- they took out the towel serving as a blanket and lifted up the edge of the cushion enough to see about 4" under it. Then they ran a gloved finger around the inside of his collar.

The supervisor, seeing that I'm not at all happy about this, then made as if she'd like to have a pleasant afternoon chat -- was there anything that she could do to help she asked? "Yeah, stop the stupidity" was my response.

"We have procedures..."

"No, you're out of control... these procedures amount to the bad guys winning..." etc, etc I said. (Ok, it was a bit of a tirade...) The customer service training showed -- there were lots of "Yes sir" responses. I just wish I had reason to believe that anything positive will come of it. Unfortunately I think it more likely that they'll just create some more "procedures" probably modeled on the local version of id checks detailed above.

Then we go back to the plane, the original agent lets me know when the puppy makes it into the cargo hold (the US staff was great!) and off we go.

Now I know there are people who will think I should be glad that they did this and that I'm the one who is out of control here. Really? I should be glad that instead of taking measures that actually improve security this agency wastes time on pointless, wasteful procedures that accomplish nothing? That they couldn't find a way to take care of this until the last minute? This is my tax money and these are my "security fees" being wasted here. If they're going to pull this crap they could at least do an organized and meaningful search in a timely manner.

It's not their job to make little old ladies "feel better". Their job is to improve security.

Sham security procedures don't help anything -- they just waste time and money, contribute to the hassles of travel, accelerate the downward spiral of the airlines and constrain the very freedoms that are supposedly being protected.

BTW on my second leg I sat next to a woman who just happened to have a 4" swiss army knife in her purse (not one of the little key chain ones -- this was a really big one.) She was going home so the TSA missed it at least twice.

Watch out Tom you're going to end up on the NO FLY LIST. And I'll be right there next to you.

Curious, how many TSA agents had to search the kennel? Last time I got searched in ROC it took 6 of them to go through my single carryon.

Guess this is the governments way of making sure everyone in this country has a job.

I'm surprised that a cavity search of the dog wasn't part of the "procedures" as outlined in the TSA manual. You can never be too safe.

Things still are improving. The TSA is far, far, far, far, far better than the crazy, incompetent contractor screeners after 9/11. And the TSA is doing things that make more sense, like eliminating gate screening. And while this no longer allows us to fly to the gate and pick up a boarding pass, just about every airline, from Delta, US Airways, and American to AirTran, JetBlue, and Southwest have kiosks and/or online check-in to receive a boarding pass quickly or easily.

Personally, flying is much better now than after 9/11 security craziness.

Without making any specific, personal references to which cities might have better / worse TSA agents, I would just like to ask for one simple thing:

That there be one set of ****ed rules and policies enforced at all airports.

I am sick of having only some airports where I need to take my jacket off, some airports where I need to take my shoes off, some airports where I need to take my palm pilot out with my laptop, etc.

While I dont like the thought of always having to 'disrobe' all of my personal items, it would be nice to know how to prepare to go through security and shorten the waiting time for myself and people behind me.

Instead, I get 'lied to' constantly. I get told that the new odd thing I am asked to do is 'the policy'. It obviously cant be if theyre the only ones doing it. When I look funny at TSAs who do/dont ask me to do the same things other agents have asked, I get upset.

What's the point of having a national security system that works just like the old airport-specific contract employee system worked?

We used to fly our dog all the time. Alas, at 17, he left for that great kennel in the sky (on 9/11, of all days). Finally got a new guy. Took him on his first trip a month ago, via Alaska (I have shifted my transcon biz to them, thanks to B. Ben). Fabulous experience. When you check in, a special card is filled out, and after the dog is loaded, they bring part of it to your seat. You have to see it. It has paw prints on it, and says something like "relax, I'm on board". For those wondering how Alaska won the Freddie this year, that might help explain. USAirways has always been very good with our dog. I recommend you stay with the animal until it is picked up by the skycap at the counter. In most airports, they will take the dog and cage to a hand screening station, where you will have to take the animal out while they check the carrying case. You MUST stay with it. I also give the skycap a few bucks, which, surprisingly, a lot of people don't). Seems to increase their interest. You want the dog cleared early, so there is no rush on the tarmac. Most planes have 2 holds for baggage and cargo, and only one is heated. A mistake by a loader in a hurry could be serious, and remember. with all the layoffs, a lot of that work is now done by third parties, who aren't supervised as well. You also don't want anybody opening that carrying kennel in your absence. A dog got loose on the field a few months ago in Cincinnati, and a cop simply shot it on the runway, rather than deal with it. So much for level Orange! Lastly, I usually ask the F/A to mention to the flight deck that we have a dog onboard,and could they just confirm. This generally leads to a call to the loaders, and that acts as a reminder to them (which of course the Alaska tear off form also does...pretty smart on their part...it's not just clever marketing), and that's a comforting feeling. In the main, you have to be proactive with the dog these days. Not every airline or TSA employee is a pet lover (with apologies to the Covington, KY (CVG) fuzz. Then, of course, there's Continental, whose response to new government rules on accounting for fatalities with transported pets, threw a snit, and decreed that if you want to go on them, Fido (or Sylvester) goes cargo(at cargo rates). Welcome to the cargo drop off, which brings new meaning to the words "arriving early for your flight".

Last January I was on a flight late leaving the gate in Charlotte. Then after being in line for a long while for the runway, we did an abrupt 180 and headed back to the gates. Turns out that the pilot or co-pilot realized there was a dog in the hold and the heat there wasn't working. The owner and his dog were reunited and spent the night in CLT we were told, on US (ours was the last flight out that night). I don't know if this was something that should have been discovered earlier, but I still thought that it was handled nicely by the crew, and I didn't hear anyone complaining, despite that we were leaving about 1 1/2 hours late.

The dog was lucky. Next to getting stuck on the runway in 85 degree plus weather (assuming the carrier doesn't have an embargo governed by temp, you avoid this by only taking early morning flights), and overheating the compartment, misloading the pet to begin with is the biggest cause of fatalities.