Worst Passenger of the Week: Blech! Get a Room!

Third Place – Another Flawed Exit Strategy

A passenger on a Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) to Minneapolis–Saint Paul International Airport (MSP)-bound American Airlines flight allegedly joined the ranks of flyers who are so unhappy with the modern air travel experience that they have attempted to leave a flight before arriving at their destination. The fact that a commercial jet’s emergency exit door is impossible to open during flight doesn’t seem to deter these determined individuals among us at all.

Like many before him, the latest flyer to attempt a midair escape only had a bit of rough treatment from fellow passengers and a police escort from his flight to show for his efforts. Despite the almost non-existent chance of success, there has been a spate of attempts to open emergency exit doors during flights in recent weeks.

Just last month, a first class passenger on a Delta Airlines flight was beaten with wine bottles after reportedly attempting to open the cabin door. A few days later, an AirAsia passenger made headlines after making a similar escape try. This latest attempt gives plane doors a 3-0 win record vs. erratic passengers.

Historically, the success rate of passengers actually managing to exit from a commercial jet plane while in flight hovers at barely above zero percent – with only the mysterious B.D. Cooper pulling off the impossible. The infamous hijacker managed to jump from the cargo door of a Boeing 727, after ordering the pilot to drop altitude and reduce speed, before disappearing forever in the wilderness. Changes in aircraft design have made a repeat of this well-choreographed escape very much impossible today.

The Runner-up – On the Next Episode of Tales of the Gold Monkey

Reports of an international incident at Cairo International Airport (CAI) read like an excerpt from Indiana Jones fan fiction. Much as in Raiders of the Lost Ark, it seems, an evil plot was foiled and the good guys eventually won the day.

Authorities say that an Egyptian passenger was caught attempting to smuggle priceless artifacts out of the country. According to a Ministry of Antiquities spokesperson, once out of the country, the unnamed smuggler had plans to exhibit the contraband in Saudi Arabia where he intended to auction the rare items.

The collection of archeological finds intercepted at the airport reportedly included Khedival-era coins, early paper money, historic contracts, and ancient bonds. Among the authenticated items were one-of-a-kind finds, including historically significant contracts detailing transactions involving the ancient slave trade. According to officials, among the oldest of the coins were 25 pieces dating back to the Ottoman Empire.
“Among the coins from the era of King Farouk was a very rare gold coin,” CAI Antiquities Units Director General Hamdy Hammam told reporters.

Wednesday’s bust was far from the first time Hammam’s team has disrupted a criminal scheme worthy of a movie villain. Just a few weeks ago, the unit based at the airport managed to interdict two lion cubs. The passenger attempting to smuggle the exotic cats out of the country insisted that the lion cubs were “domestic kittens.” Officers didn’t buy the lion smuggler’s story (for obvious reasons), despite forged documents backing the claim. The cubs had, in fact, been born just days earlier and were still nursing when discovered. In yet another Hollywood happy ending, the objectively adorable cubs were rescued by the Giza Zoo where they are being nursed back to health.

The Winners – Free Love and Free Checked Bags

For many of us, simply drinking a beverage on a cramped commercial airline flight can be a test of flexibility and physical agility – others among us are looking for a more elusive challenge. An amorous couple on a Southwest Airlines flight from Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport (ATL) to Las Vegas McCarran International Airport (LAS) was reportedly inspired to join the “mile high club” in full view of other passengers.

Amazingly, while police met the plane at the gate when it arrived in Las Vegas, the accused exhibitionists avoided arrest. Authorities on the ground, in fact, seemed to take a very Las Vegas view of the alleged lewd activity.

“Apparently, they just couldn’t control themselves,” LAS spokesperson Michael Oram told reporters. “They were all over each other.”

If authorities in Las Vegas didn’t exactly consider the inflight antics to be a serious matter, Southwest Airlines officials certainly didn’t find anything amusing about the incident. Perhaps more concerning than the public love act itself, was the airline’s assertion that the couple involved repeatedly ignored instructions from crew members during the flight.

“Southwest does not condone this type of activity and we apologize to the other passengers onboard who were potentially exposed to this activity,” the airline said in a statement.

Although doing the deed on a commercial airliner may sound unhygienic at best, rockstar Tommy Lee and his girlfriend Brittany Furlong reportedly took a decidedly more considerate approach to joining the exclusive mile-high club this week. According to TMZ, the pair met in the lavatory for a quiet moment of one-on-one time on an American Airlines flight bound for LAX. Based on the Mötley Crüe drummer’s earlier film work (including a widely released home video co-starring ex-wife Pamela Anderson), it was courtesy rather than modesty that led the couple to find a private area on the aircraft to share their private moment.