How to Smuggle Sex Toys Through the Airport

Traveling can be a tricky business, one that’s often complicated by unexpected, misery-inducing difficulties — but fear not! Mile High Manners is here to lend a helping hand and guide you through the polite “do’s and don’ts” of flight etiquette, regardless of the class you’re seated in and situations you come up against. 

Have you ever faced an in-flight encounter or unexpected situation at the airport which you were unsure of how to handle properly? Send your dilemmas to us at [email protected] and check back every Wednesday as we endeavor make the travel experience more enjoyable for everyone.

 

Q: Besides worldly pursuits, I enjoy the carnal. Sometimes I even like to double team them! But I don’t want TSA getting their panties in a twist over my playthings. Any tips for a person who likes to bring an adult toy in their carry-on to enhance their pleasure where ever they might be (getting) off to?

A: Your pursuits are noble, and the good news is that your ride to pleasure town doesn’t have to be blocked by the cockpit.

The TSA is not as prudish as one would expect, and you are allowed to take adult toys on the plane as long as you adhere to their guidelines. Remember, the liquid contents of all lube tubes and lifelike silicone body parts are limited to 3.4 ounces. Also, be sure that any bullets you pack are of the non-lethal nature. If you are into the hardcore stuff, keep in mind that all sharp objects must be packed in your checked luggage. Whips, paddles and ticklers are okay to carry on, unless there is a spiky ball at one end, in which case I would encourage you to pack it in a checked bag.

There are certain types of adult toys that could resemble something more sinister, which is why it is wise to be prepared to bare all to a TSA agent in the event that they become suspicious. Pack your items inside of clear plastic bags so they can quickly see what you’re into without having to manhandle your bits and pieces. If a TSA agent asks you what’s in your bag before taking a peep, just tell the truth. It might be embarrassing, but it could help reduce the amount of heavy suitcase petting.

Remove the batteries from any toys before you pack them so they are not accidentally turned on during screening. The TSA does not love when there is a tiny electronic machine humming and buzzing inside of a bag.

Remember, all of these items can be packed in the checked luggage with much less fuss. You should not be using them while you are on the plane anyway, but if you do, expect either an unforgettable flight or immediate arrest upon landing.

Safe (and sexy) travels!

Q: Hi MHM! Long time, no chat! So, this is a tricky one. I was flying back home from a business trip recently, and the cabin was pretty chilly. Luckily, I was smart enough to have tossed a blanket in my carry-on before boarding, so I popped that puppy out and took a little cruise to “snoozetown.” Halfway through the flight though, I awoke shivering to find that my seatmate had stolen half of my blanket! I really wanted to say something, but he was TOTALLY passed out. I tried to shut my eyes and ignore the theft (?), but my annoyance levels kept me up. Eventually, I gave up on continuing my nap and rented a movie. The guy ended up not waking until almost touchdown and didn’t even bother to thank me for my amenity. Hrmph! What would you have done?

A: Good on you for remembering the blanket. Regardless of the real world temperature, the airplane cabin usually reflects arctic tundra levels of cold, and the fight for survival is real.

When your seatmate decides to help himself to your blanket, the get-to-know-you process is considerably accelerated. In one fell swipe, Middle Seat Guy now becomes Bedtime Buddy. The bright side here is that this newly discovered intimacy now gives you free reign to run through the gauntlet of unpleasant bedmate behavior.

There are a variety of activities that can open his eyes to your disagreeable bedside manner. For example, there are those times when you have trouble falling asleep and you need to read for a while before hitting the hay. Use his overhead light for finishing that last chapter, positioning it to shine directly into his face. Another tried and true tactic for inciting blanket displeasure is the ever-popular Dutch oven. If executed properly, this method should rouse him enough to think twice about sharing your blanket or ever paying a visit to Holland. The jimmy leg is also a common affliction that causes wild spasms of any number of appendages and is easily applied by simply kicking the guy.

At this point, you could also decide to reap the benefits of your relationship level jump by taking something of his and using it. Why not locate his credit card to purchase the movie you are now awake to watch? Perhaps you would like an adult beverage to calm the mood? He didn’t hesitate to hop into bed with you, the least he could do is buy you a drink.

The most satisfying and immediate solution is to violently rip the blanket from him. If he is sawing logs then he may not even notice anyway. Otherwise you will have to decide to be okay with sharing it. What’s the point of stewing if you are not willing to rectify the situation or at least have a little fun tormenting him?

There is a chance that the guy did not realize what he was doing when he helped himself to your blanket. He may have been embarrassed about it when he woke up and that is why he didn’t acknowledge the incident. Or maybe he didn’t care about you at all, he was fine with inconveniencing you, he enjoyed taking advantage of your forward-thinking skills, and not only did he hog the covers but he drooled on them too.

 

[Photo: iStock]